How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

I clenched and unclenched my right hand carefully, breathing deeply to calm myself. “So you do…you do like Sam!”

Tyler threw his hands up in the air. “Why are you so fucking stupid?”

“I’m not stupid!” I was slightly affronted. “Unless you’re talking about Spanish.”

He started to pace slightly, walking back and forth along the edge of the rug. I watched him carefully. He looked extremely agitated. Everything from his jerky movement to tight jaw and the way he held his head spelled irritation. His hair was slightly on end, because he’d run his hand through it so many times.

“You are extremely stupid,” he ground out slowly. “You have no idea what the fuck is going on right now.”

I crossed my arms indignantly. “I think it’s you who’s got it all wrong.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!”

Tyler stopped in front of me, and we glared at each other for a moment. We seemed to be doing a lot of glaring lately. And every time, it was just the same. All I could see in his eyes was anger. His eyes weren’t piecing me or anything, judging, calculating like Lena’s would do. They just…stared, as though he thought he might be able to set me aflame if he did it long enough.

“You got it wrong, dumbass. I don’t like Sam, not like that…” he said slowly. “But I just can’t believe you. I thought…”

“You thought what?” I snapped suddenly, pushing him roughly away from me. “You…you thought…you thought you could just MESS WITH ME LIKE THAT?”

‘Tyler stumbled backward slightly, almost falling. “Mess with you?”

“DON’T ACT ALL INNOCENT!” I roared, starting towards him and shoving him angrily against the wall.

“I wasn’t messing with you!”

“LIKE HELL YOU WEREN’T!” I smashed my fist into the wall. He flinched away, but I had him by the neck of his shirt.

“Stop it!” he cried.

“NOW YOU’D BETTER FUCKING APOLOGISE!”

“Fischer, I’m sorry, but I didn’t…you’ve got it wrong, I never – it’s all your fault! YOU were the one-”

I tightened my hold, pulling him closer to me. “I fucking hate you.”

“Well guess what?” he snapped. “I fucking hate you too! I didn’t do anything, anything except tell you how I really felt. You’re just a stupid asshole. I can’t believe we were ever best friends.”

I glared at him even though his words were breaking my heart. “Same here. Because all you are is an inconsiderate bastard who can’t see what’s fucking right in front of him. And I want my shirt back.”

“YOU want your shirt back? I want MY shirt back!” He tore himself away from me, hostility burning from his every movement.

Slightly confused, I looked down at myself. Since when was I wearing his? I hadn’t even noticed. “Well, you know what? I’M KEEPING IT.”

“Then I’m keeping yours too!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“I’m going home!”

“So am I!”

We both started angrily towards the door, but Tyler stopped me with a look. “Oh yeah, and consider yourself locked out of your own house.”

“You can’t do that!” I spat.

“Try me!”

He stormed out the door and I stared after him, watching the door bang shut and feeling like my heart had dropped into my stomach. I couldn’t figure out if I was more angry or depressed, but I was so frustrated by all of this emotion I could scream. It felt so unreal. My best friend had just told me he HATED me and walked out the door.

To be fair, I’d done that too…but still.

I’d never felt so alone and upset. Take a giant fight with your best friend and mix it with a horrible breakup. That’s how this felt. It felt like fucking hell.

But there was no way I was letting him get to me. That was MY fucking house and I was going to lock HIM out.

“HEY SAM?” I yelled at the stairs. “YOU OWE ME FIFTY!”

Then I dashed down the hallway, flung open the front door, and raced outside, taking an alternate route. I needed to get home without being spotted by Tyler. The other way was a lot longer, and I ran like I was being chased by a hungry T-Rex.

But when I finally arrived on the doorstep, panting and gagging, I realized. My keys were on the bedside table. Just in case it was unlocked, I staggered over to the door and jerked on the doorknob. It remained shut.

Feeling resigned, I let my knees buckle and sat down hard in front of the door, doubled over slightly. If I couldn’t get in, neither was he. While I waited, I counted the cracks in the porch meticulously. I knew if I allowed myself room to think, my head would go straight to our argument and all the anger and resentment and depression would get ten times worse.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Tyler’s voice asked flatly. I looked up and there he was, glaring dully at me as though he hated me immensely but didn’t feel like dealing with it.

“Well, this IS my house,” I pointed out dryly.

“Can you just go away?”

I pulled myself to my feet. “I missed you,” I said pathetically. And as soon as the words came back, I realized that was really why I’d come back here. To see him, not to lock him out.

“You missed me? We just saw each other. And plus…” he growled, “you hate me.”

I shook my head with a choked sort of laugh. “I don’t hate you. The truth is...I couldn’t live without you. I mean, you’re my best friend. If you don’t want it to be anything more, that’s fine. But I don’t want to lose you.”

Tyler’s eyebrows raised. “What do you mean by…anything more?”

“You know what I mean,” I said shortly, angry with myself for caving in and saying all of that.

He looked at me carefully. “But I thought you were the one who didn’t want it to be anything more.”

“Uh, no…that was you.”

“No it wasn’t.” He shook his head with a little laugh. “It was both of us. We’re both the idiots here.”

He leaned forward suddenly, and with a fluttery, heart-soaring happy excitement I leaned forward too. We collided roughly, our noses mashing together and our teeth bumping. But of course, I didn’t care, not even when the kiss stopped because we both drew back at the sudden pain.

“I don’t understand,” I said slowly. “Since when-”

He grabbed me by the neck of my – his – shirt and pulled me closer, successfully cutting off my words. “And neither do I. So clearly we’ve both got a little bit of explaining to do…but can it wait?”

“Of course.” I smiled broadly. "I'd love that.