Tired n' Lonely

“What the hell just happened?”
“You want it explaining to you?” he asked, jokingly.
“I know what happened... just... how could we have ended up doing that?”
“Sexual tension?”
“It's not funny, Joey.”
“Oh come on, your not dead, I'm not dead and we both got to have a bit of fun.”
Perhaps I was thinking about it too much.
“Is that all it was though?”
“It doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be. I like you, I like you as more than a friend, but if you want to be just friends then you can't be upset when shit like this happens. We're both single, I don't see the big deal.”
“It just feels like a really disrespectful way to... move on... from my husband.”
“You were 19 when he died. Did you really expect to be abstinent the rest of your life? You're 22 for fuck sake, it's perfectly natural to end up having sex with someone you fancy.”
“But I still miss my husband, Joey. It feels like I just cheated on him.”
“You think he would be happy if he could see you now?”
I was silent. He was right, I know he was, but I didn't want to admit it. I picked his argument apart to try and stop him winning.
“Well, of course he wouldn't be happy, he'd see that we just ended up together.”
“You know full well what I meant Nicky.”
I did.
“Well he wouldn't be thrilled. But he would know that I'm like this for the sake of the kids. They need me to work, they need me to support them and they need me to act like a mother, not a 22 year old.”
“Can't you be both? What's the point in your in laws giving you the weekend off if all you do is sit watching films. You need to realise that having fun doesn't make you a fucking bad mother. Having sex with me isn't going to result in you losing your kids. Going out every once in a while isn't going to result in your daughter hating you. Moving on after three years... that's too long, Nicky... three years is a long time.”
I sat with my head in my hands, trying to get my head around everything it was trying to process at this point.
Yes, I liked Joey. Yes, he liked me back. But we couldn't be together. I couldn't just go out like he said. Every where in this City was filled with memories of who I used to be, what I used to have... I would have moved away from here long ago if I didn't have to raise my kids in the best way I could think of – which meant not pulling them away from the place they felt settled in. Not moving them away from their grandparents. I would always put them before myself, and I was aware that Joey wasn't looking to be a father figure any time soon so dating him wasn't going to be the best thing for them. But it would make me happy to have him. At least, it would when he was in the state. It would when he was around.
It was ridiculous really... my husband was a musician. He was rarely around. He drank, he did drugs, he cheated on me with groupies... the list of reasons why I didn't want to be with Joey were the list of things that were wrong with my first relationship, and yet I was with him anyway, because we were in love. Why couldn't I do the same again?
I guess I was scared, more than anything. Scared I would let myself fall in love with someone again and the same thing would happen – fame would change him, or he would be led astray.
I wasn't naïve in my paranoia, I was realistic.
His arms were around my waist as he sat behind me and buried his face into my neck.
I hadn't even noticed he was there as I was so deep in thought.
“I'm sorry.” I stated. I didn't know what for. It could have been for a number of reasons; sorry for messing you around, sorry we slept together, sorry I can't be with you, sorry I like you so much...
“Don't you ever apologise for the way you feel.” he said, as he kissed my neck softly. He did not make this easy. I somehow wished he would be a jerk, or that I would find drugs on him again. Anything to make it easier to tell him we had to give up on this.
I stood up, brushing him off and leaving him sat on the bed, and began pacing the room, trying to sort out the tangled web of thoughts which were weaving themselves around my head right now.
He was silent now. From the look of it he had enough to think of on his own. I wondered if any of the thoughts I was having were shared.
“Is it because I'm your first since... he died?”
I stopped and turned to look at him. I didn't know the answer myself.
“I don't know, Joey.” I told him, truthfully. “It could be I guess.”
“Well then, I'm the one who should be sorry.”
“No. Like you said, never apologise for the way you feel.”
“I feel like I took advantage of you, now.”
“You didn't I was happy enough to get into bed with you before I thought about it for an extended period of time. It just makes it a hell of a lot harder for us to just be friends when we do stuff like that.”
“Oh come on... it's the twentieth century, why should the fact we had sex stop us from being friends? If any one ever finds out we'll tell them we were pissed and it was weird, so we never did it again.”
“But that isn't the truth, is it? It wasn't awkward, we weren't drunk and I'm hoping I'm not the only one that wants to do it again.”
“So what's the problem? Explain to me, please, because I honestly don't know.”
“I just don't think we can ever be together.”
He turned away from me and muttered “Life would be beautiful if I meant something to you.”
“Oh, Joey.... you mean so much to me.”
“I mean... something... to you. Something.”
I said nothing. He did mean something to me. He meant a lot to me. I felt so guilty as I sat beside him. He turned away from me again, so I could not see his face.
“Joey.”
No response.
“Hey, Mr. Rockstar... what if I do take a chance on you? Can you be there for my kids? Can you come more than once every couple of months? Can you promise you won't do drugs, even every now and again? Can you promise you won't end up hurting me?”
“Could anyone?”
“Well... yes.”
“OK... so it would be long distance. It doesn't mean I wouldn't care for you.”
“I was married to a musician before, remember. I loved him with my whole heart and he abandoned me with two young kids. Any idea how hard it is to get alimony from a dead guy?”
“I'm not him. We're two different people. You could move to Iowa or...”
“... listen to what you're saying. I can't move to Iowa. And you can't move here.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have my children, and you have your band. If things had been different when we met, I would have said yes in a heart beat. You know that, right?”
“Nicky, please. Give me a chance.”
“You're not going to let it drop are you?”
“Any idea how amazing you are? There's no chance I'm letting you go without a fight.”
“You hurt me and you're dead.”
He looked around at me.
“Does this mean...”
“... just call me Mrs. Rockstar.”
“Hey... not so much of the Mrs, please.”
“Fear of commitment already? This isn't looking such a good idea.” I joked.
“Hey... I didn't say never, did I?”
“So, how are we going to spend our first night as a couple?” I asked
“Well... I was thinking: pizza, a film, and some more awesome sex?”
“Sounds like a great night to me.”