Losing Lori

There are too many reminders of you here.

Sometimes I think I should get away for a while, start over new, fall in love again...but I know only one of those things could ever happen. No matter who I end up with - or don't - I'm always going to want you. It's sad, right? I'd drop my own family, even a kid, for you. Stupid, always drunk off your ass, you.

I know you took some of my things with you. Maybe by accident, maybe on purpose just to spite me, to show me that no matter what, you'll always have the upper hand. You'll always have a death grip on my heart, beating or not. I wonder if you sleep in that light blue shirt of mine when you spend the night at a guy's house. I wonder if you have my brush in your purse still. I wonder if you've got my favorite Toms on your feet right now.

And then, I don't care. I don't care because I have some of your things in the back of my closet and I hate the fact that they're there. I know if I hate having something of yours, that you hate whatever you have of mine. It'd be crazy any other way. I loved you, but I don't want reminders, so why would you when I cared more?

Your favorite necklace, a few silver charms from your sisters bracelet - do you have the rest? - a lacy blue bra, two shirts that I'm not sure are even yours....things I see almost every day, things I hate, yet things I can't bring myself to throw away.

Sometimes I think it was all a dream, you and me. Sometimes I think maybe I want it to be a bad nightmare, one that I'm just waking up from after three years. Those things of yours though, they make me realize I'm not that lucky.

You're everywhere. You're the air I breathe, you're the sheets I sleep in. You're the sound of the water as it drips in the sink, you're the feel of cotton on my skin. But more than anything...

You're the small piece of my heart that I'll never get back.