Born and Broken Every Single Time.

This is the second update today, make sure you've read the previous one!

“Don’t leave it so long next time,” Mrs. Way smiled at she ruffled my hair.

“I won’t,” I grinned. “Bye man.” I gave Mikey a quick hug before heading out the door. I pulled my hood up and rested my hands tightly in my pockets as I strolled along the street, the rain lashing down around me.

“Frank,” I heard Gerard call on me from further down the street. I chose to ignore him and continued walking, pretending I hadn’t heard. When I heard him call again I started humming to myself in the hope it would block him out.

His face is a map of the world, a map of the world. From yesterday…

“Frank,” I felt a tug on my arm as Gerard turned me to face him. He’d ran with his hood down, you could just tell. He stood silently staring at me as the rain soaked through his clothes. His hair was a mess but he didn’t care, he just left it to sit on his face as the rain and wind left it.

“Leave me alone,” I muttered as I feebly tried to push him back before walking again.

“Don’t do this,” he spun me around again as I tried to leave.

“Don’t do what Gerard, huh?” I pressed.

“Ruin everything,” he sighed as he stepped slightly closer to me. “What were you playing at tonight?”

“Playing at?” I yelled, ignoring his warning that I was beginning to shout. “Look at me Gerard! Look at me. It’s horrible.”

“Frank you need to listen to yourself, it’s crazy,” he replied softly.

“I am listening to myself, for the first time in my life I’m listening to myself. Look,” I yelled. I unzipped my hoodie sharply and felt the cold rain batter my stomach through my shirt. I lifted my shirt up enough to show Gerard my stomach, feeling a lump in my throat form as I spoke. I can’t believe it had come to this. “I’m seeing myself, and I’m hating myself.”

“Oh my god, Frank..” I watched him through teary eyes as he cast his gaze to my stomach. You couldn’t see my ribs anymore, it was marked an improvement according to everyone who’d been helping, but not to me. I hated the way I looked, hated the fact I’d gained weight. I watched as his eyes widened at the sight of my stomach which was now being frozen by the elements, but I saw him cast his eyes over every scratch and cut I’d marked myself with. Every little piece of hatred inflicted on my ‘improved’ self.

“So don’t you ask me what I’m playing at Gerard,” I snapped. “You don’t have a fucking clue.”

I sped off again along the street as my breathing tried to adjust itself around my sobs. I ignored all calls from Gerard and tried to speed up as I heard him try to catch up. I felt him tug on my arm but instead of turning as had been the case previously I tried to shake him off. He wouldn’t loosen his grip so I slipped my hoodie off as his grip tightened on it and threw it at him before bursting into a run. The rain lashed down heavier than before, soaking right through to my flesh. I used mind over matter and tried not to let the cold get to me as I ran, I failed miserably.

I stumbled into an alleyway and leaned against the wall, sliding down it until I slumped onto the ground. I curled my knees to my chest, sobbing into myself as I hugged them to me and rested my head on them. I can’t believe I’d done that. I can’t believe he’d gotten to me.

“Go away,” I muttered as I heard someone walk over and sit beside me. I’d have said that regardless of who it was, but at this time of night I knew only one person would have followed me.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he replied. I felt him rest my sodden hoodie on my shoulders as if it was going to warm me up.

“You don’t need this,” I mumbled into my arm.

“Just talk to me Frank,” he replied gently.

“There’s no point,” I sobbed. I didn’t need him here, he shouldn’t be here with me. “It’s all wrong.”

I felt him move closer and put his arm gently on my shoulder, pulling me into a loose hug. I wouldn’t cave in, I kept my head down and stayed rooted to the spot.

“I-I just,” I muttered. I didn’t know where to begin.

“Shh,” he whispered as he stroked my hair gently. I looked up to find him looking over, his face washed with concern. ‘I’m sorry,’ I mouthed before I burst into a new flood of tears, resting my head against his chest as I felt his arms tighten around me. “Frank, you’ve got to believe me, I’ll help you through this.”

“I-I can’t get through this Gerard,” I sniffed. “It’s gone too far.”

“You were doing good until tonight,” he whispered. “What changed?”

What had changed? What was the real reason for it all? I could think of a million reasons, but one was at the forefront of my mind. Surely this wasn’t it, this wasn’t where it had all rested. I couldn’t tell him any of this, I couldn’t talk to him. It had shattered me to the point where I showed him my latest spurge of self infliction, something I would never show anyone, something which had even shocked me to the core.

“I don’t know,” I muttered.

“You do know Frank,” he replied almost immediately. “You’re not as unaware to your problems as you make out you are.”

“What?” I shook out of his grasp to face him, wiping my eyes and strengthening my voice. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It’s just,” he sighed. “It’s just like I don’t know. I feel like you want to be helped, but don’t want to admit there’s something wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong though,” I frowned. “It’s just my weight changing a bit. That’s not a problem.”

“Then what’s this Frank? Why are you breaking down here? Because you’re fine?”

“I-I just, forget it.” The rain lashed heavily against my face, I couldn’t tell which were rain drops and which were tears.

“Frank I’ll help you through this,” he continued. A faint smile graced his face as he looked at me. “Please just let me.” I felt his hand rest on mine reassuringly. I looked at him briefly as I thought to myself. I didn’t know what was going on anymore, I didn’t know how it had got to this point. I was sitting here at night, in the pouring rain crying my heart out over something I couldn’t even pinpoint. Then along comes Gerard who’s acting like a personal saviour and I have no idea how to react. What could he do to help? Nothing. I didn’t need help, I didn’t need his interference.

“I-“ Before I could continue I felt Gerard press his lips gently against mine as the rain continued to fall. I wanted to push him back, to tell him to go home and forget everything, to go home and get Eva moved in. But for some reason I couldn’t, for some reason I wouldn’t.

“Don’t,” I moaned lightly into his lips. I know he heard me but chose to ignore me, doing the exact opposite. I felt his hands lock gently through my hair as he pulled me closer; this was too perfect. For some reason I had a moment of clarity as I felt myself push him off me.

“Go home,” I muttered as I locked my eyes on the ground.

“Frank,” he whispered as he twirled my hair gently,

“Go get your girlfriend moved in,” I snapped before pulling myself up and leaving Gerard sitting in the alley. That was wrong, everything was wrong. I had to get away from here, now.