Falling to Pieces

Kyle watched my own war going on inside of me and decided that maybe the best thing for me was to be alone. But of course we all knew that was not the case; being alone would ruin me.
I couldn’t believe I was back to this. I thought that I had been so strong the last few weeks without Joel, but it seemed that it all came crashing down. I was like a falling actor with a collapsing stage. I couldn’t pretend that I was alright anymore, and now I was paying for all the disingenuous acts.
I pulled out a cigarette and lit one, smelling the smoke before sticking it in my mouth. I inhaled the smoke letting it kill whatever it may. I let the tears fall wherever they landed. Letting the pain come and grow numb for only a moment as the poison filled my lungs. I knew it was killing me, but what was the point anymore?
I was on winter break now, so at least I didn’t have to see him. It was torture sitting in the same room as him and not let myself cry in front of him. He had tried to apologize many times but I would always ignore him, kept telling myself not to give into anything he said.
“Rose, please, I wasn’t sober!” He yelled down the hall.
I let his embarrassment, as everyone in the hall turned to look at him, be my motivation.
My phone rang yet again. It seemed like an echo in the numbness. Why even bother looking at the pathetic name that was displayed on the screen.
I decided to reorganize my room, there was too many happy nights that echoed here. All the nights when I had returned from his house after all those great nights seemed to play on my broken stage.
I blasted my angry Flyleaf songs as I pulled furniture in different alignments. I smiled and walked to the doorway when I realized how familiar the room was. It seemed like I couldn’t win.
I threw down my phone when it rung again and walked out the apartment building.
Christmas eve was blessed by beautiful snowflakes that kissed my tear stained face. I closed my eyes, savoring the touch.
“Rose,” a hoarse voice said.
I knew that it was only my imagination, this wasn’t the first time that I had dreamed about our romantic little make up and we’d forget about the confusion and all that.
“Your not real.”
“Rose, look at me,” he said, I knew he was real then, but I didn’t want him to be.
His cold arms circle around me. My eyes opened and I looked up at him; I shouldn’t have.
His face was so heartbroken, I wanted to comfort him. His eyes were deep violet hidden behind his black hair.
“Its been three weeks, Rose,” He said, “I’ve been thinking…”
I looked away. He held my face so I had to look at him in the eyes.
“You were right, Rose I was scared okay?”
I tried to look away. I wanted my poison.
“I drank to feel numb. I’m sorry I hurt you that night, Rose I'm so sorry. I haven’t drank since, “ he said.
My eyes grew slightly wider.
“I've been sober for three weeks. And it hurts when your not there. It hurts so much to be sober. I want to be better though. I want to be someone that wont disappoint you. I don't want to be them, Rose.”
I shook my head. Of course he wasn’t like them. How could he be? He was the exact opposite of them. They could never catch up with him. He was so much better than them. They couldn’t understand my pain because they’ve never knew that such an ache could exist.
“Your not like them at all Joel,” I whispered.
He looked down, he believed he was.
“you’re not,” I said sternly.
“I wish I was different. I let you down like all of them did,” he said. And his voice was so self-pity like and I hated it. Where was my strong uplifting Joel that was always so sure of himself? I wasn’t good at helping people, I had too many of my own problems. How did he expect me to be able to hold him up while I held myself together? I couldn’t let him depend on me. What if I fell? I didn’t want to bring him down with me. I wasn’t fair to corrupt those that I love.
“Your different,” I cried now.
He looked up and his face fell apart. It was even more maddening than it was at first. This pain was so unbearable. It wasn’t that my heart was breaking this time, it was that there was nothing there. It felt like there wasn’t a heart to break.
“Rose, oh please don't,” he whispered wiping my tears away with his thumbs.
“Joel,” I sobbed.
I hated doing this to him. I hated that I didn’t know how to help him, yet I was always relying on him. It wasn’t fair to him.
He kissed my tears. “I'm sorry I made you cry.”
That did it. I broke down in his arms. It may have been because of the broken stage or maybe it was the guilt. Or possibly it was just the need to be with him.
He pulled me in his arms. And neither of us spoke for a long time. He just swayed us back and forth like he was comforting a child.
“My brother is living here now,” I said.
Joel laughed. “He’s gonna hit me with that Bible now, isn’t he?”
I pulled back just far enough to look at him, to see the smile that would in turn, make me smile. “Probably.”
“Lets get out of here,” he sighed.
I nodded. I knew what he meant, we had our cry now we needed to do something insane.
He took my hand and ran down the street.
“Where’s your car?” I asked out of breath.
“Crashed it,” he laughed.
“WHAT?” I yelled.
He pulled me into an alley and looked up at me. “After you left that night I waited for you to come back. You never did, so I drove—I mean I tried to drive after you. Apparently driving drunk is a bad idea.”
He grinned at my horror stricken expression.
“Joel…”
He interrupted me with a quick kiss. “Nope, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to talk about that night or the last few weeks. Ok?”
I nodded. “Ok.”
“So,” he said, “What do you want to do?”
I grinned.
We ended up back at his apartment watching “Titanic”. I was using him as a pillow as he sprawled out on the couch.
“Shouldn’t we be watching a Christmas movie?” Joel asked.
“Well there's an iceberg,” I giggled.
He chuckled. “Well if there’s an iceberg…”
“ ‘Titanic’ is the best love story,” I said, “ well that and ‘A Walk to Remember’”
Joel smiled. “Don't you think its ironic that all love stories are sad? I mean think about the Notebook and ‘Romeo and Juliet.’”
I thought about it. Wurthing Heights, “Othello”, and ten million books by Nichols Sparks. They all made my cry.
I rested my head on his chest, realizing again how cold he was. He shifted uncomfortably.
“Are you ever going to tell me why your so cold?” I asked.
“Told you it was a family thing,” he said smirking.
I rolled my eyes.
He placed a cold hand on my cheek; it felt like that iceberg. I turned and pressed a kiss on his palm.
He smiled and held me as the movie continued. It got intense when jack was drawling Rose. And I closed my eyes, completely relaxed as Joel traced his fingers lightly up and down my back.
I couldn’t believe that I had almost lost this. I couldn’t believe that I almost threw it all away. This felt so much better than the numbness.
I started crying when Rose jumped off the lifeboat and back onto the Titanic. I watched, as the tears spilled uncontrollably, as Jack held Rose while yelling at her for being stupid, yet feeling relived she came back. And by the end of the movie I was going into hysterics.
“Are you going to be okay?” Joel laughed, “If this bothers you so much, I can turn it off.”
My eyes were glued to the movie., “Don't you dare touch the T.V.”
He laughed.
After the movie was over the song “My Heart Will Go On”, played.
“I love this song,” I said wiping my tears off my cheeks with my sleeve.
“Is there a song you don't love?” He teased.
“Oh shut up!” I hissed.
He kissed my forehead. “I'm never watching ‘Titanic’ with you ever again.”
I laughed and stood up. “I should probably go.”
Joel got up and wrapped his arms around me.
“What time is it anyway?” I asked.
“Too soon for you to go,” he whispered in my ear.
I smiled and stood in his arms for awhile, till he pulled away.
“I want to show you something,” he said, grabbing my hand. He ran down the hall and into his room.
He pulled me to the bed and pushed me down. “Sit.”
I smiled at his enthusiasm. He opened his drawer and pulled out a folder. He came over and sat down next to me. He handed me the folder.
I opened it and went blank. It was the painting he had worked on the other night I was here. You could tell that I was lost in thought. He was amazing, he got all the emotion on paper.
“Wow,” I said.
“Do you like it?” He asked. What a stupid question.
“I love it,” I answered.
He smiled so huge, and it reminded me of a five year old.
He trapped my face in his hands. “Can I draw you again?”
I rolled my eyes, I really didn’t like to be drawn, its like a person who doesn’t like to have their picture taken. I sat up and went to his stereo.
“What are you listening to?” I asked.
“I rather wish you wouldn’t,” he said, “my playlist hasn’t been the most cheerful.”
I hit play anyway and was attacked by the band “Poison”.
“That is pathetic,” I said.
He sighed and went to the stereo and hit the eject button. I smiled and went through his CDs.
“Were deprived as a child?” I asked.
“What?” he asked, laughing.
“I mean come on, ‘The Maine?’”
“That’s Lindsey’s.”
“uh-huh and what is this ‘Simple Plan’ CD?”
“Ryan’s.”
“ ‘The Backstreet boys’?”
He rolled his eyes. “Teach me, oh great one.”
I laughed and went to the living room to get my bag. I came back and emptied it. About six or seven CD’s poured out along with my keys, phone, and a tube of lip gloss.
“Jesus Christ, were you expecting to go DJ a club or something?” he asked.
I frowned. “ I always carry CD’s on me.”
I loved my IPod, but you cant replaced CDs.
I handed him the first one. “Ok you have to know ‘Prince’ right?”
He shrugged. “Sure.”
“Have you heard his songs?”
He looked down.
I sighed and put it in and went to my mom’s favorite song by him, “When Doves cry.”
Joel pulled me in his arms and smiled. I could tell he was as relived as I was that things were back to normal. But with that, there was still that unexplained pain that we shared. No matter how much we looked for something to hold on to, we never could.
Some time later I woke up in Joel’s arms. He was still asleep though. He pulled me closer and hugged me like I was a teddy bear. I stifled a laugh and smoothed his bangs off his eyes.
He sighed and mumbled something incoherently.
I giggled and flicked his ear. He groaned and rolled over, pulling me with him.
“Joel!” I whined.
“Go back sleep or Santa Claus wont shove his fat self down the chimney.”
“Your squishing me!” I complained.
“That’s what you get for waking people up.”
“Joel…”
He laughed and released me, rolling onto his stomach.
“Are you nocturnal or something?”
He turned his head towards me. I smiled and kissed his cheek.
“I really should go now,” I sighed, getting up, “Kyle’s gonna shoot me.”
“Thought he believed in the ten commandments. I believe ‘thou shall not kill’ is kinda important.”
I grinned.
“How are you going to get home?” he said sitting up, “Besides its almost midnight.”
I laughed, “your funeral.”
He grinned mischievously. “I guess we should come up with some excuses.”
I flopped back onto the bed. “Most defiantly.”
“By the way,” he whispered in my ear, “Merry Christmas.”

* * * *
“I cant believe you were out all night with him!” Kyle roared. “Even after what he’s done to you. How can you just forgive him like that?”
I smiled. “I love him.”
Kyle laughed. “Rose, hon, your only eighteen you don't know what love is.”
I bounced to my closet in search of finding a church worthy outfit.
“Then how do you explain this feeling?” I challenged pulling out one of the only skirts I own.
“A crush,” he stated.
I held out the skirt and a blouse. “Does this look churchy?”
Kyle raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you go to church?”
“Well Joel says that we should go on Christmas,” I said finding a pair of heels. “Still think it’s a crush?”
“Maybe.”
Kyle left me to change. I actually made sure I looked somewhat decent; my hair was curled and I wore natural looking makeup.
When the doorbell rung I ran down the hall and slid into the door. I wasn’t use to wearing heels.
I opened my door to my definition of perfection. He was wearing a nice button down shirt that was as white as his pale skin, he had on jeans that weren’t torn, and his black hair was actually brushed.
“You look nice,” he said.
I smiled. “You too only….” I pulled him into my room and grabbed my gel and ran it through his hair to make it messy like his normal style.
He smiled.
“We should get going.” He said.
I nodded and followed him out the door. Uncle Tomas was walking up the stairs to the apartment when we got outside.
“Have fun you two,” he said.
I grinned at him. “We will. What time are we going to grandma’s house?”
“Around two or so,” he answered.
Joel helped me into Lindsey’s car.
“I cant wait till I get my car back from the shop,” he sighed.
I laughed as I turned on the radio. “Me too, her radio has horrible reception.”
He smiled.
“I didn’t know you had other relatives in New York,” he said.
“My grandma lives in Albany, so I wont be home till late tomorrow. We’re spending the night there.”
“Well I guess that we’ll have to go to my house before you go home so we can give you our presents,” he said.
“Joel I told you not to get me anything,” I said.
“Well I didn’t listen. When do I ever?” Joel said.
“You weren’t suppose to spend money on me.”
I hated it that Joel and Lindsey struggle already with money, they didn’t need to waste any on me.
“Relax, I didn’t get you a diamond necklace or anything like I would like to have been able to,” he sighed. He made a turn off the highway and stopped at the light.
“Well we’re going to have to stop by my apartment anyway,” I said, “If we’re dong presents then I want to get yours and everyone’s.”
He groaned. “You weren’t suppose to spend money on us either.”
“Get over it.”
He laughed.
We pulled up to the church near his apartment.
“Do you think they’ll let me in?” I asked.
“I don't see why you think you’re going to Hell,” Joel said, “I don't believe in anything that Kyle said to you. You’re the nicest person I know, and you have morals, and I don't know what you think you did that’s going to put you in Hell.”
I sighed. It wasn’t really the fact that I thought I was going to Hell it was that I didn’t feel worthy enough for Heaven. That and I don’t think there is a Heaven.
“I’m not good enough for Heaven,” I said.
“Rosella that’s so stupid,” he growled.
I really didn’t want to get into this now. “Can we not talk about this?”
He sighed and got out of the car. He walked around and opened my door and helped me out.
“You look very beautiful, I did tell you that didn’t I?”
I smiled. “Yes you did. Thank you.”
He took my hand and led me into the church. There were rows of benches with an aisle in the middle, decorated with a runner. In the front was a stand and behind that was a large wooden cross with stained glass windows.
“Its so pretty,” I said.
Joel brought our tangled hands to his lips. “It is isn’t it?”
“Rose!”
I looked up and saw Lindsey running to us. She had on a black t-shirt that had a cross on it and a pair of jeans.
“She doesn’t get the whole appropriate attire idea.” Joel said.
She rolled her eyes. “I'm wearing a cross”
“Where’s Ryan?” I asked.
“Sunday school,” She said.
“That’s for kids.”
She nodded. “Yeah, and?”
“He’s seventeen.”
“Joel I don't get her point,” Lindsey whined.
The service began shortly after we took our seats. The preacher began talking about things that I just didn’t get. I never liked going to church because I never felt like I belonged. It always seemed like the preacher would always make me feel like I didn’t deserve to go to Heaven that I was going to Hell. Religion never comforted me like it did other people.
I picked up a piece of paper from the little shelves and a pencil and began folding the paper. I made a fortune teller and turned to Joel.
“Pick a color,” I said.
He pressed his lip to keep from laughing. “Red.”
“Ok now a number.”
“Seven.”
I opened the flap. “You will eat cottage cheeses.”
“That’s stupid. What kind of fortune teller are you?”
I gasped dramatically. “Do not question Madame Connors!”
He laughed and poked me in the side, causing me to jump. He laughed and poked me again.
“If you two don't stop, I’ll send you to Sunday school,” Lindsey hissed.
“Sorry ‘mother’,” Joel said.
Lindsey laughed.
“Shhh,” someone behind us said.
“Sorry,” all three of us whispered.
* * * * *
Joel looked at Rose as she opened her present he had given her. Her eyes widened, that was the response he was hoping for.
“Joel,” She said, “its so pretty, I thought you said…”
“It was my mother’s,” he said.
He heard the sudden quickened beats of her heart. He had given her a bracelet that his father had given to his mother. It was a silver band really, but there was an engraved saying.
Totus meus pectus pectoris
She turned to him. “What does it say?”
He chuckled. Of course she wouldn’t know. “All my heart,” he told her.
She ran over to him and crawled into his lap and kissed him.
“Thank you so much,” she whispered.
He grinned and kissed her forehead. “You’re welcome.”
He looked over at Ryan who was playing with some weird toy that Rose got for him.
“I should go,” she said.
He sighed. He’d have to wait till tomorrow to see her again. Lindsey suggested that he goes haunting since he hasn’t gone in a long time. They really didn’t need to have a constant intake of blood; it’s just like a human and chocolate. They don't need it, but they crave it. Vampires only needed blood when they lost some.
“I’ll take you home,” he said.
She grinned and let him lead her out of the crappy apartment.
He opened the door and waited for her to climb into the car. He got in and drove down the road, slower than usual.
He could hear the sound of her heart beats as they quickened. He wondered what she was thinking.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
She smiled. “Whether or not I'm going to ditch Kyle and them and just go back to your apartment.”
If he had a heart that beats it would have been flying like hers. “I think you should go, regardless.”
“Regardless…”
“That I want you to ditch them.” He said. He was far too selfish.
She smiled. “So what are your plans?”
“I’ll probably end up painting or something,” he said.
“Oh.”
Of course he planned to drive out of the city to one of the hospitals, so they could feed. He probably would end up painting later though, so he wasn’t lying entirely.
He stopped in front of her apartment. Kyle was waiting on the steps for her and Thomas was in the car, getting it started.
She opened the door, but he pulled her wrist and the door shut.
He smiled at her intuition and kissed her, making it look good because he knew that Kyle was watching. He grinned at the roar of her heart and the warmth of her skin as it turned red.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.
“Okay-y,” she said a bit shaken and stumbled out the car.
He glared at Kyle and sped down the road and turned sharply.
He accelerated at the light before it turned red.
Lindsey was waiting for him with Ryan. They got into the car and then he drove off.

Joel stuck in a CD that Rose had given him for Christmas. She had gotten him like twenty CD’s, a new sketch pad, some paintbrushes (the good kind), paints, and a book of her favorite poems and quotes.
He hit play and Paramore played. He opened the little leather book and read the first page.
“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”
He smiled and turned the page to another.
“Knock, knock,” Rose said, her voice hoarse.
He jumped up and opened the door and saw her with her hair wild in her face and tears in her eyes.
“Rose what…” he whispered pulling her into his room and in his arms.
“Kyle and I got in a fight and I just didn’t want to be in that house with him yelling at me all the time. That’s all he does. Its not the same anymore. Ever since mom got sick….”
“Shh…” he whispered swaying back and forth.
“I just want things to be back to the way they were,” she whispered, “I want my mom back.”
“I know,” he said.
“I know you do, you’re probably the one person who does understand,” she said softly.
He smiled and hugged her closer. “Everything will be alright, maybe this is how Kyle deals with the pain.”
“By yelling at me?” she demanded.
“I don't know, love.” He said.
She didn’t say anything for awhile and neither did he; he just listened as her heart beats slowed.
“You're listening to my CDs,” she said after awhile.
He laughed and released her. He sat on the bed where all her CDs were scattered. “Yeah. Jimmy Eat World, All American Rejects, My Chemical Romance, The Killers, Coldplay. And then the older stuff: Nirvana, R.E.M., Pearl Jam, shall I go on?”
She smiled and sat on the bed with him. She still had on the bracelet. She saw him looking at her wrist and she blushed.
“I haven’t taken it off,” she said, “I love it.”
He grinned. “I'm glad it looks good on you.”
“ I haven’t gotten the chance to break in my new art supplies,” he said.
She smiled. “Well get to it.”
* * * *
I sat on Joel’s bed looking at the pale white walls.
“You need colors,” I said.
He was working on a painting, well trying to. “I cant possible work with you distracting me.”
I grinned and eyed the walls. “Can I paint?”
He shrugged and handed me some paints, a brush, and paper.
I smiled as he went back to his painting. He was always caught up in that art of his.
“Hey Joel what's your favorite color?” I asked.
“Green I guess,” he said.
“Ok,” I said opening the green paint and standing on his bed.
“Why?”
“Because I need to know what color I should paint your wall,” I said.
“Do what?!” He yelled. He looked at me with wide eyes.
“No,” he said.
“Why, there so boring? Please can I just put my handprint on it?” I said.
“Do what you want crazy person,” he sighed.
I jumped off the bed and kissed him on the cheek. “You know that’s what makes me so attractive.”
“Uh-huh that’s it,” he said rolling his eyes.
I painted my hand and pressed it on the wall next to Joel’s pillow. Next I wrote my name next to it. I glanced at Joel, who was still working, completely oblivious to me. I stifled a giggle and opened the red paint and finger painted a heart in the middle of the wall. Then I painted a unicorn and wrote “save the Unicorns”. And I finished my masterpiece by painting a bunch of stars and flowers. Then I put my handprints everywhere. And then I poured paint on the walls like I saw in the Flyleaf video “All Around Me”.
“Oh, yeah just a handprint,” he said.
I laughed, “you're just jealous because I'm a better artist than you.”
He pulled me in his arms. “Yeah that’s it. But what's that purple thing?’
“It’s a unicorn!” I yelled.
“That looks more like a rat with a stick in its head,” he said.
I hit him playfully. “You’re mean.”
“You know you still haven’t shown me that book you always write in,” Joel said.
I shrugged. “It’s at home.”
“We’ll take Lindsey’s car.”
“I don't want to go home, remember?” I said.
“Oh, come on,” he said, dragging me out of the room.
He stuck the stolen key in the ignition the drove away from the curb.
“See what CDs are in here,” he said.
I smirked. “I see that my music insanity has rubbed off on you,” I said.
He smiled. “Anything good?”
I opened the glove box and pulled out the CDs. “Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, Jordan Sparks, and Finger Eleven, well that blew the streak.”
“Must be one of her dates’,” he said.
I put it in and turned it up.
He pulled up to my apartment. “Looks like no one’s home. Got a key?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ll never let me forget that will you?”
“Nope.”
He followed me inside and into my room.
“And you say that my room is boring,” he said, “it looks familiar.”
I blushed and looked down. “You can say that I had a melt down.”
He walked over to me and put a finger under my chin and lifting it up so I was looking at him.
“At least you didn’t crash a car.”
I smiled. “I don't have a car.”
He shook his head, laughing. I pulled away and lifted my mattress, pulling out all my books.
“Take your pick.”
Joel eyed the small journal on my night stand. “May I?”
I shrugged. “That’s more personal, so don't surprised.”
He opened to some random page and began reading silently. I watched his expression warily. Soon his face was furious.
I looked at the floor. “ I know they’re really cheesy, I'm not that good of a poet…”
“Rose shut up,” he hissed.
My eyes flew up from the floor to stare at him.
“When did you write this?” he demanded.
“When my mom died, I told you not to be surprised.”
He flipped through again. “I think of how you died, I think of suicide.”
“Here is my death?” he read.
He looked up at me. “Do you see something wrong here?”
I fell back on my bed and felt my head fall in my knees. I let the tears gush out of my eyes miserably. I heard Joel put the book down and sit next to me. He pulled me in his arms and tucked my head under his chin.
“I'm sorry, Rose,” he whispered, “it just hurts so much to know that you feel like that.”
“I don't feel like that when I'm with you,” I said.
“Rose…”
“I want to be better,” I said, “It hurts so much, Joel.”
“I know.”
“It hurts so much to be sober.”
He hugged me tighter, “ I know.”