Falling to Pieces

“Wow,” Lindsey said.
She stole my words if I could vocalize anything.
I gazed at myself in mirror. My hair was shorter and a vibrant red
.
“I’ve always envied red heads,” Lindsey had said, sitting on the bed with the box of dye in her hands.
“I bought the dye but chickened out,” she explained.
She looked at me and smiled. “You’d be a pretty redhead with your blue eyes and all.”
Was that really the color? Blue? I always thought they were gray.
But I had let her dye my blond curls.
She had been right though, the red brought the color back in me; or maybe it was just this whole thing with Joel. I don't know if he thought about it, but I sure did. We were so different in personalities, but then again we were so similar, again we were an AM station while everyone else was stuck on FM, never being able to understand us. I liked that about us, we were so out of it. In school we sat in the back of every class we had together and talked aimlessly about random things.
“I hate American language,” Joel said one day.
I laughed softly so I wouldn’t disrupt the class. “And why is that?”
“Well,” he mused, “For one, we didn’t even make it up on our own. We just stole it from different cultures and blended it together. Sure we made it seem original by adding stupid letters like and extra ‘r’ in February and changed the accent a bit. Two, its so confusing! We got all of these weird spellings that don't even sound like the word.”
I smiled. “Well …”
But I couldn’t argue against him. He was always so smart and I couldn’t argue intelligently anyway.
And then we would have little arguments that weren’t really all that playful.
“I don't want any Christmas presents,” I said, yet again.
“That’s stupid. Everyone likes Christmas presents.” He sighed.
The truth was that I didn’t want him to spend money on me, because I knew that he couldn’t afford it.
Then he got it. He let out a frustrated sigh. “Rose that really doesn’t help. We’re fine. And it makes us feel better when you act normal.”
“There’s no reason for you to buy me anything, I don't need it,” I said.
“Rose, I can afford it.”
“You cant afford to get groceries!” I yelled.
His eyes went flat. “You think I don't already know that? God! Lindsey works at two jobs and I waste time going to school!”
“You’re a teenager!” I yelled, “You're supposed to go to school, not work full time.”
“You know what? Just shut up about our situation we’re fine.”
I froze there for a moment. His voice was so harsh that I looked down at the ground and focused on anything but the anger that colored his voice.
He sighed after a moment of pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to control that temper of his. “I'm sorry, Rose, I didn’t mean to yell at you...it’s just that’s a hard subject for me. I feel like I'm letting Lindsey and Ryan down…and now you too.”
I held him closer. “You're not letting anyone down.”
I was worried about him though. He was already talking about dropping out of school to help out with the money issue, so what about college? He was far too smart to not go to college, but he couldn’t afford it. And he skips a lot of days at school to get good grades so he can get a scholarship.
“What do you want for Christmas then?” I asked him.
He chuckled. “Nothing. Just you. I don't want you to spend any money either, its not like you have a job.”
“Joel…”
And the argument picked up.
“You’re a miracle worker,” I said to Lindsey now.
She smiled. “Wait till Joel sees you.”
I smiled at her through the reflection. I could imagine his face now.
“Aww, you’re blushing,” she giggled.
I broke out in laughter.
“Hey are you two ready?” Joel asked through the door. “People are starting to show up.”
Lindsey smiled. “Wait here.”
I nodded as she left.
I couldn’t look away from the mirror. I looked so different. The girl in the mirror was a stranger now. Her eyes looked too bright, she had too much redness to her cheeks, her mouth was twisted the opposite direction.
I saw the door open in the reflection. It was Joel and his eyes grew wide.
“Wow,” he said like Lindsey had. He looked at me though the mirror and step closer, closer, till his arms were around my waist.
“What's with the red hair?” He asked.
I leaned back against him. “It was time to change things.”
Joel didn’t push the subject any farther. That was another thing about us, we knew each other’s limits.
“Let’s go party!” he said with mock enthusiasm.
I laughed and he sighed, releasing all but my hand as we left the room.
Joel took a beer from the table and handed me one. I didn’t plan to open it all night. He wondered around the room, socializing with a few people that didn’t have his kind of intelligence so he got bored and would move on. After a couple hours everyone, except me, was well over drunk.
“Joel,” I said as he grabbed another drink, “I think you should take break from the drinks.”
His eyes were unfocused as he glared at me. “Its my life, I’ll do what I want.”
I grabbed his drink. “You’re done Joel.”
He grabbed my arm and he wasn’t gentle. “Ow, Joel,” I said.
“You're not the boss of me!” he yelled.
I hated seeing him like this, he wasn’t my Joel.
“Your so wasted!” I cried.
I pulled him off the couch, me having the advantage since I was sober, and into his room. I pushed him down on the bed.
“You need to get some sleep,” I said pulling the blanket up.
“Your gonna hate me when you find out,” Joel slurred.
I smoothed the bangs off his forehead. “Shh, go to sleep.”
“I wonder how scared you’ll be,” he continued in this foreign haunted voice that broke my newly mended heart and sent chills up my spine. I wanted so bad to comfort him.
“Joel…”
“I don't think you could love me,” he whispered, I could hear the raw apprehension.
“Joel, why are you acting like this?” I asked, stroking his face with anxious hands, “You're usually not like this.”
“I'm no good for you Rose.”
I shook my head. “No Joel you don't seem to understand how much you’ve helped me. I need you so much,” I whispered.
I was pouring all of my heart into it too. I hoped that he could tell that.
“There hasn’t been a whole week where I've been sober for all seven days.”
“Joel stop!”
“This is who I am!” He yelled, “You cant change it!”
My eyes were filling up with moisture, “Why are you talking like this Joel?”
“Little Rose gonna cry?” he taunted.
The tears fell as I snatched my hand away and got up.
“it could have worked for us,” I said, “I know your scared, but so am I.”
I walked to the door and opened it. I looked back at him. “You didn’t even give us a chance.”
* * * *
He watched as she left and then waited. He knew that she would come back, she had too.
God, his head hurt so bad.
Lindsey walked inside his room. She seemed a little tipsy, but not at all as bad as he was.
“Rose just left,” She said. “Did you two get in a fight?”
Joel really didn’t want to say it aloud, but he couldn’t deny that he may have just pushed away Rose, what he had been trying to avoid. He still had this small hope that Rose would walk back in, but he knew she wasn’t.
But could it be better this way? Would it be better if she was mad at him, so he wouldn’t hurt her anymore, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
“She’s not coming back tonight Joel,” Lindsey said, “I think you two need to cool down anyway. Why don't you sleep on it and talk to her tomorrow.”
Joel couldn’t wait that long.
He ran out of the room, stumbling into the little furniture that they had and got out of the apartment. He had his keys already in his hands as he opened the car door. He ignored Lindsey when she came outside and started to yell at him.
He pulled away from the curb and he hated the silence in the car, somehow it was louder than the music that Rose always had on, her laugh, or arguments.
The anguish just seemed to make him accelerate even more. He wasn’t really in the driver’s seat anymore and that was incredibly reckless but he didn’t care, he had to get to her, no matter the cost. He turned down the road in which he always took when he would check on Rose at night without her knowing and he wondered if he would be able to fix this.
His heart hadn’t held a beat in over fifty years, yet it felt real, he felt like it was actually there because it was screaming in some foreign pain that was so strong it almost felt like a numbing, and that hurt more.
He knew that his reflexes were so much slower with the alcohol in his system, but he couldn’t wait till tomorrow. When he decided that the silence was too unbearable, he leaned down and turned on the radio. And then he flew forward against the steering wheel.
He slammed his head back against the seat and sighed. Great now his car was screwed.
He knew that Lindsey had been following him and it wasn’t a surprise that she opened the door.
“Come on,” She said, “People are starting to notice,”
He let her help him out of the car and into her car. She drove away from the demolished car and down the road.
“What were you thinking?” She hissed, “Even immortals are weak under alcohol.”
He rolled his eyes.
She glanced at him. “What happened anyway?”
He shrugged.
“Don't give me that crap.”
“I pissed her off,” he said simply.
“Well that’s a given.”
He closed his eyes. “Look can we talk about this later when I can think straight.”
She grinned. “Good idea, I don't know why that sounds so familiar.”
* * * *
Kyle came in from South Carolina about a week before Christmas.
“What about school?” I asked when he came.
He shook his head. “And you say I worry to much. I already enrolled into the University down the road.”
“Will you still—“
“Rose, I’m not deprived of anything. Its alright.”
I couldn’t argue, I really loved that Kyle would be with me again. I needed a lighthouse after losing so much; it would be hard to see through the starless night without a light somewhere.
He sat on the bed with me.
“Not to say ‘I told you so’ but I did tell you didn’t I?”
I held back the tears that wanted so badly to fall.
Fall for my pain of losing yet another star when I had grown reliant.
Fall for my frustration that Kyle had been right all along.
Fall for the anguish that I wanted so badly to prove Joel wrong.