Save Your Heart

I walked in the door from a long day of dealing with the office at my college. I decided to withdraw from the classes I was taking this semester and sign up for classes required for a photography major which would start in January. I flopped onto the couch next to Natalie who was lounging in her pajamas and on my laptop, today was her day off.

“How did everything go?” She asked not looking up from the computer screen.

I reached back and pulled my hair into a loose ponytail to get it off of my face. I was so frustrated with my stressful day, every little thing seemed to frustrate me.

“Stressful.” I sighed. “I got everything taken care of though.” I scooted lower on the couch so I could rest my head on the back of it. When my head hit the pillow, my eyes slowly started to droop closed.

“Uh Ry?” I heard Natalie exclaim just as I was starting to doze off. “I think you should see this.

I opened my eyes and pulled myself up, I was about to fall off the couch. I moved closer to Natalie and stared into the computer screen. She was an expert internet creeper, especially when she had days off like today. I wasn’t surprised to see that she was on some social networking site. However, I was surprised to see a picture of Derek on the screen. The picture was taken from above, he was standing next to a girl with blonde hair and she was giving him a kiss on his cheek. The girl looked vaguely familiar. My eyes moved down the bottom of the picture where it read: with my cutie! My heart dropped into my stomach. It was like someone was beating my heart like a drum, I could feel it hurting and thumping so loudly.

“Who the hell is she?” Natalie practically yelled.

I was still staring at the picture. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it, I couldn’t believe it at all. “I don’t know.” I answered. Then it clicked; she was Derek’s ex, Lexi. I remembered seeing him fighting with her the night I went to see one of this concerts. How could be with her? How could he even want to be with her? Someone was throwing rocks at my heart now. I could feel my face beginning to feel hot. I immediately reached for my cell phone and dialed Derek’s number.

“Hey, sweetie.” He answered after 2 rings. If I was calling just to say hello, I would have been so happy about this. He never answered right away on account of being so busy with tour. However, this was a whole other circumstance. “I was hoping it would be you who was calling.”

I ignored his comment. “Have you been online lately?” I watched Natalie as she did some more stalking on Lexi’s Facebook.

“Uh...no. Why?” He sounded confused.

“Well you should start doing that more often just in case one of your ex’s posts a picture of you two and calls you her ‘cutie’.” I snapped at him.

The other end was silent. It seemed as if he had no idea she posted a picture of any sort.

When he still hadn’t answered me, I told him more about the picture. “Did I mention she’s giving you a kiss on the cheek in the picture?” I hissed.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Derek cooed through the phone. He sounded sad and like he was genuinely sorry. I was still mad at the situation, so I didn’t even think of forgiving him.

“Why are you hanging out with her in first place? Why would you want to after what she did to you?” My free hand was waving in every direction as I got angrier.

“I’m not allowed to hang out with my friends?” His voice now sounded assertive. Natalie must have heard him through the phone, because she suddenly shot my phone an evil look.

“Why would you want to be friends with her?! Why would you want her to kiss you?” I yelled. Natalie was shaking her head as she scrolled down the page. Every once in a while she would point at a certain status she had that involved Derek. With every one she showed me, I got more mad. Most of the statuses would say something about her doing something with him with a heart next to the status.

“What? I don’t even remember that. We were probably all hanging out and drinking.” Derek was mad as well now.

“Again, why you want to be friend with her after what she did to you?!”

“That’s in the past, Ry!”

We were now full on yelling at each other back and forth. “She obviously doesn’t want to be just friends with you! She blatantly flirts with you all over the damn internet.”

Derek laughed. “Oh c’mon, Rylin. Now you’re just making things up.”

“I’m making things up?! I’m the one who’s at fault here?! Why don’t you give yourself a little tour of her facebook page and then let’s see who’s at fault here!”

Derek laughed again. It almost sounded evil. It only made me angrier.

“Fuck. I can not believe you’re siding with her.” My voice was getting louder.

“You’re being ridiculous!” He yelled back. Natalie shot my phone another scathing look.

“You’re being a dick.” I cried. I was to the point of tears. I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me.

“I’m not going to put up with you over reacting.” Derek replied nonchalantly. He wasn’t yelling anymore. He sounded tired. I suddenly heard a familiar girl’s voice giggling in the background.

“You’re with her right now?!” I screamed. If it could happen, I’m sure steam would come out of my ears.

“Derek baby! Come on.” I heard her coo on the other end. She sounded close to him, as if she was right next to him. I was glad I wasn’t there, if I saw them together, I can’t even think of what I would do. The image in my mind of them together made me feel kind of sick.

I chuckled sarcastically. “You have got to be kidding me.” The next few words that came out of my were impulsive and hasty. I didn’t think of what I was saying or what was about to happen. It just came out of my mouth out of anger.“It’s either her or me.”

“What?” Derek snapped back surprised. He was no longer yelling. His voice toned down to almost a hiss.

“Her or me, Derek.” I replied sternly.

“Are you kidding?” His voice cracked.

“No.” I stood in the middle of the kitchen with my hand on my hip.

There was silence on the other end. I didn’t hear Derek. I didn’t hear Lexi. Just silence.

“Well?” I said.

“Rylin, don’t do this.” His voice cracked again.

“Derek, it shouldn’t be this hard to pick between the girl who cheated on you and your girlfriend.”

There was more silence from the other end. I wiped a tear streaming down the side of my face. I heard Derek breathe in deeply.

“You’ve obviously picked her. I hope she makes you really happy.” I whispered before hanging up my phone and turning it off. A part of me felt like I was over reacting and that I shouldn’t have ended things. He meant so much to me. The past month has been so hard without him and ending it meant I wouldn’t see him at all. The other part of me that was glad I ended it. I couldn’t get my heart broken like it has been before. It’s too hard to deal with, especially when I have so many things to do in my life. Of course I was upset. Of course my heart hurt when I Derek didn’t answer me right away. But I knew the hurt wasn’t as bad as the hurt I would feel if Derek ended it first, or even worse, cheated on me. Some people might think I’m an awful person for doing what I did. I had to save myself though.

I walked into the bathroom to grab a tylenol PM. I glanced at the clock on the wall, it read 9:30. It was early, but I wanted to forget this whole day. I didn’t want to think anymore, my thoughts would eat at my brain. I opened the medicine cabinet quickly trying to avoid the mirror. I saw Natalie appear at the doorway in the corner of my eye. I could feel her watching me. I rummaged through the cabinet searching for the pills. When I couldn’t find them, I slammed the cabinet door. I heard some of the bottles fall down. I leaned on the sink and closed my eyes hoping to salvage the tears I could feel coming. I felt Natalie’s hand rubbing my back. I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I broke down. I slid down the front of the sink and sat on the floor with my knees brought up to my chest. She joined me on the floor next to me and put her arm around my shoulders.

“Fuck!” I yelled and covered my face with my hands. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn’t know what else to say, but I had to say something. I was so angry. I was angry at Derek for not wanting me first. I was angry at his ex for being near him. I was angry with myself for letting a guy get to me this much.

Natalie continued to rub my back trying to calm me down, but nothing worked. I couldn’t think of anything that would make me feel better, except for Derek walking through the bathroom door that minute and telling me he only wanted me. I knew that was near impossible, not because he was on tour and not because he had no transportation other than the tour bus, but because I had a feeling that I wasn’t the only one he wanted. If I was the only one he wanted, then he wouldn’t have had to think about his decision.