Dancing In The Rain

Mother never approved of Max. I don't know what it was about the boy that made hate course through Mum's body by mentioning Max's name.

"I'm leaving! You can't keep me in this house forever!" I screamed, slamming my bedroom door closed. I heard my father yelling at my mother, and my mother throwing things around the house. Ashley had already put her through enough pain because of her drug-addiction and her moving back into the house since her girlfriend needed a break.

"JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

That's the last time I spoke to my mother. She never called, but my father would ring just to check on me. Ashley didn't care about me, so she just ignored the fact that I had finally gotten enough courage to fly out to America and live with my twenty-two year old boyfriend.

Ashley took a lot of drugs in her past since she done a lot of fucked up stuff. I had my first bong with her, and she eventually got me into smoking. I would sneak to the back of the oval at school and steal some cigarettes from a girl called Gemma.

The depression I had at home because of family problems between my parents. They were verbally-abusive towards each other, and my dad would ignore me for months when my mother kicked him out of home or told him to get out of ours lives. Or if I simply left the house with my mother for a night, I would come home to my fathers blood-shot eyes from him crying all night. It hurt me.

So the cutting began.

I was nine when I pulled out a pair of scissors and started slitting my wrists. I used to write in my diary to release all my anger, and I was attempt suicide, only for my mother to walk into my room and catch me with the blade to my neck.

Because my sister was on drugs I was so afraid to come home after school, thinking she was dead from drug-overdose. I've suffered from the fear of loss when my mother told me she was leaving, but she ended up coming back the next morning. I didn't have any friends in primary school, and I spent all my recess and lunch's in the library, trying to get away from the eyes of everyone looking at me.

I've lost nine friends in my lifetime. All of them telling me they were my best friends, I would put my trust in them, they back stab me, I cry and tell them off, they get defensive and say shit about me to my face, I cry and started cutting again.

I gave up on friendship in year eight. I didn't want friends.

I never really needed them. I didn't want to trust anyone; not the counselors, not my parents, not my sister, not my aunt, not my friends... No one. I didn't even trust myself. I knew that if I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be alright, I was gonna' turn against myself and end up harming my body in some stupid way.

I thought I was crazy. I still think I am...

"Maddy?" I snapped out of my trance and met the eyes of Max. He was dressed in black skinny jeans and an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Ronnie had left to go get some ice-cream with Sam, and I was standing outside with a cigarette between my lips.

"What?" I asked, stomping out the cigarette with my combat boot.

Max shrugged his shoulders and wrapped his lanky arms around my waist, holding me tight. I felt my body melt into him. I just wanted everything to be perfect. "Baby, what's wrong?" Max asked, pushing some blonde hair away from my face.

"Nothing," I lied, pecking his lips lightly. Max frowned at my answer; he didn't believe me. "I'm being serious. There is actually nothing wrong with me," I added on quickly, only making the frown on his face get bigger.

"Don't lie to me, Mads," Max mumbled, turning me around so I was looking straight into his eyes that held the questions that I would never answer. I didn't want to open up to Max, not just yet. We've been dating for so long, and I almost felt bad for not telling him anything about me... I'd tell him when I'm ready.... that's just not now.

"Just take me home." Max grabbed my hand in his own and yelled out a goodbye to the boys who were inside the house. We walked down the street together, staying silent. We didn't talk at all.

When we reached my house, I leaned up to kiss Max but he started to drag me inside. I sighed and followed after him- he was going to my room.

I watched as Max pulled off his skinny jeans and t-shirt, then patted the bed. I bit my lip nervously, contemplating weather I should do the same or walk out of the room.

I pulled off my t-shirt and skinny jeans, and plopped down on his lap, snugging my head into his chest. Max kissed my forehead lightly and ran his fingertips across my bare stomach, then moved his hand to my back, and started playing with the latch on my bra.

I took a deep intake of breath as he placed a hand on my thigh. He knew I wasn't ready, so why was he doing this? Why was Max teasing me? Trying to get into my pants?

"Max," I whispered, looking up at him. "You know I'm not ready for this." I hated lying to Max. I had been using the same excuse for ages now. I'm not ready, Max. I was, but I was way too scared to even consider letting him take away my.. v-card.

I placed my fingers on his closed eyelids, and pulled them open; bloodshot.

I growled and pushed him away, collecting all my clothes off the bed and storming out into the lounge room. Max followed after me quickly, calling out, "Maddy! I can explain!"

"No! You said you wouldn't get high anymore, Max! You lied to me, and you know how I feel about lying!" Oh god, I sounded like such a hypocrite right now. I've been lying, too! Why must I get angry at Max?! He should be angry at me for not telling him everything!

My secrets, my lies, the reason why I come home late, my family issues!

"Baby, I'll stop!" Max exclaimed, grabbing me by my shoulders.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, pushing him away. "Just... Don't come back until you're clean." I ran a hand through my blonde hair, letting tears overcome my blue eyes. I saw Max's eyes water slightly before he spun around and collected his clothes from my bedroom floor and walked out of the house without another word said.

"I'm so sorry, Max," I whispered, wiping away my tears.