If You Only Had a Heart

John

Christmas day…the one day of the year you should always spend with your family. I fucked that one up, since I left my son and ex girlfriend, my parents have been pretty hard on me, I can’t say I don’t blame them. Instead of having a lovely meal, sharing presents, I was sat on the couch of the apartment Karen and I share, drinking anything I could get my hands on, yet it was only lunch time. I was near enough an alcoholic, I started drinking when I left that time, to ease the pain and the guilty feeling that seemed to haunt me. I started to lose sleep over it, every time I closed my eyes, I would see my son, John. He would be growing up in front of me, yet he had little acknowledgement of who I was, or why I was watching him. The disappointment on his face, when he finds out that I’m his father, knowing I had left his mother to take care of him on her own, to raise him as a single parents because I thought that would be best. I knew I had completely destroyed what chance of family and happiness I had.

“Baby? You’re spacing out again.” the small blonde beside me spoke, waving her hand in my face.

I never told her about my weird dreams, that terrible feeling of abandoning the family I had. I never felt secure with her, especially with my feelings, she wasn’t one to care about anyone but herself.

“Sorry, I was just thinking” I smiled at her, watching her play with necklace I bought her as a gift. “ I think I need to take a walk” I added whilst getting up from the couch.

“Baby, it’s Christmas! The time when families spend time together, that includes you and I” she whined.
“Don’t remind me” I muttered under my breath.

“I won’t be long, okay? I just need air” I said kissing her softly before heading towards the front door.

I wasn’t that drunk, just a little merry. I guess I would be safe out there. I just needed to be somewhere else, other than here.

I had no idea how long I had been walking, but I found myself on a familiar street. Chris’. The guys cars were all park on the sidewalk just outside her house, I was curious to know why they were there on Christmas Day, I would have thought they would have gone to see their own families. I walked past the cars, up the porch and stood in front of her door, I hesitated at first but soon built up the courage and rang the door bell. I could hear them all laughing and joking around, it made my heart sink. I was about to turn away when the door opened. I was expecting to see Chris stood there, but instead found Kennedy, with a confused expression on his face.

“What are you doing here, John?” he asked curiously.

“Uh, I-I actually don’t know, I think I’ll go now” I replied sheepishly before turning round a second time, but only to stop when I hear her angelic voice.

“Kennedy who-John?” she said surprised. “Wh-What are you doing here?” she added wearily.

What was I suppose to tell her? That I just walked her not knowing I was going to end up at her door? Because she wouldn’t believe me if I did tell her that.

“I came to see John and, uh, you” I replied quietly.

I looked down at my shoes, stubbing the tip into the wooden floor of the porch. I heard her sigh.

“Let him in Kenny”

I heard her footsteps move away from the door, I looked up to meet Kennedy’s gaze, I could tell he was pissed with me.

“You’re drunk.” he stated bluntly. “Don’t do anything stupid, that will hurt her, John or make you look like a fool” he added before stepping a way, letting me in.

I think this was a bad idea.