This Is How I Disappear

Delilah's P.O.V

I wake up and almost instantly realize that Zacky is not sleeping next to me. I start to panic, but then realize that this would have been odd behavior for my Zacky but for this man, the man my Zacky turned into, this is normal. In fact this is rather nice behavior for this “Zacky”. In these past few weeks since he has been home he has been a completely different person. I am about to go into the bathroom to get ready for the day when I hear “Zacky's” voice from behind me.

“Delilah”

I ignored him. I haven't even so much as looked at him since the night he held me and I told him exactly how I felt, not sparing his feelings one ounce.

“Delilah, please look at me.” and me being the idiot I am, did what I was told. I looked him right in the eye as I spoke harsher than I intended.

“Why?”

“Why, What?” He asked

“Why, would you blame Jimmy's death on Brian?” and now I couldn't stop all the pent up emotions and words were coming out. I would no doubt hate myself for this later but I have to get this off of my mind.

“I don't know.” he said looking a little sad.

“well, I can tell you why.” I said walking over to the dresser and pulling out a bag similar to the one that Matt had given me the night the brought “Zacky” home. The only difference was this one was full.
As I reach in and pull it out I see the look on “Zacky's” face change from a look of sadness to one of anger. Before I can even process what is happening “Zacky” is next to me ripping the page from my hand.

“What the hell are you doing?” said “Zacky”

“Well, if you really want to know I was going to go flush that shit down the drain!”

“Why in the fuck would you do that.”

“Because you can't see this person you have become when you are on that shit.”

“I am a better person because of this.” he said putting the bag in his pocket, safe from harm.
“What- you think that drug has made you a better person? Zacky you were a perfect person. You were good to me and your friends and anyone else who came along.” I said, I could hear the sadness in my on voice, so I know he had too.

“No, Delilah, I was just a shell of a person. Who I am now is who I have always wanted be.”

Okay, this is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. Does he not even remember that we are mourning Jimmy's death. Well at least me, the guys and the fans are. He hasn't even so much as called the guys to check on them.

“Zacky.” I said taking a step forward and closing the distance between us, I would also hate myself for this later. “Have you even called the guys to check on them? Have you even thought about Jimmy, since you have been on that shit”

“Nope.” he said sounding all giddy.

“Do you not see a problem with that?”

“Nope” he answered still giddy.

He put his arms around me as he spoke, “Baby, I don't need anything or anyone but this” he said pulling one hand from my waist on patting his pocket containing his “lifeline“.

He kissed the top of my head and walked in to the living room. Now I am scared. Now I know the answer to the question I have been asking myself since the day he got home. He is addicted.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed Johnny's number.

“Hey, Delilah.” Johnny said from the other end of the line.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Fine, I was just talking to Jimmy.” Okay, now Johnny's going crazy.

“Uh.. Johnny are you sure you are fine?”

“Yea, I was asking Jimmy if he would tell me his secret to protecting Zacky from himself, without him knowing it.”

“Okay, but I still think you are losing it.” he laughed. That was a refreshing thing to hear.

“Probably.” he said “Do you need something?”

“Oh, I was just going to tell you that Zacky is addicted to that shit.” I said, once again hearing the pain in my own voice.

“ I thought he would be, Damn him. Are you gonna be okay there alone with him?”

“Yea, I think so. Bye, Johnny.”
And with that I hung up the phone and went to get ready for the day.

*****************

A while later

oh, shit I hate bacon. I am currently cooking bacon, why because "Zacky" and I had an argument(again) and I am going to give him an ultimatum. It's either me or that shit. So I thought offering him his favorite food would be a nice way to break the ice

I put the bacon on a plate and took it to him. He sat there on the couch looking at a dancing penguin on the TV, ignoring me.

“Zacky, I made you some bacon.”

“I'm not hungry.” How could he not be hungry, he hasn't ate in three days.

I sat the bacon down on the coffee table. Okay well, here goes nothing.

“Zacky, I want to talk to you.” he continued to look at the dancing penguin on the TV. I reached down for the remote and turned the TV off.

“What do you want?” the coldness in his voice bothered me.

“Zacky, I love you.” I said I sat down on the couch next to him positioning my self so that I was looking at him.

“But.” he said sounding cold.

“But, I can't stay with you if you keep using that shit.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he yelled.

“No, I'm not.”

“Did you not here what I said earlier, I need this.” he said showing me the bag that was once full and was now half empty. You know until Jimmy died I always saw the world as half full not half empty. I guess I am changing too.

“Zacky, that doesn't change what I said. Just promise me you will try to stop this shit.”