This Is How I Disappear

Delilah's P.O.V

“Do you want a beer?” Johnny yelled from my kitchen.

“Sure” I yelled back to him, I don't normally drink but Zacky has pushed me to this. I haven't seen him since the day that I held him in Brian's front yard. I am scared to death that he isn't gonna come back to me. I don't know what his mental state will be if he comes back to me.

“Well, then you don't get one.” Johnny said before sitting down beside me on the love-seat.

“Why not?”

“Because I know you. I know that you only drink when you don't want to deal with something. But you have to deal with it, it's the only way you can move on.” Johnny said looking at the floor as if he were talking more to himself than me.

I don't know why, but I have this sudden anger for my fiancee. How could he leave us, not just me, but his brothers. How could he just run off and leave us not only to grieve for the loss of Jimmy. But for him. How could he leave me to deal with this alone.

“Hey,don't cry you know I hate that.” Johnny said pulling me closer to his side.

I didn't even notice I was crying. But now that it had started I can't stop. At this moment I am unsure if I am crying over Zacky or Jimmy. Do you ever cry in till you feel like you have been cleansed of all emotion. That's what was doing when I heard a pounding on my front door.

I answer expecting it to be someone trying to sell me a vacuum,but that's not it at all. Matt and Brian had each had one of Zacky's arms thrown around their shoulders. I stepped to the side allowing them to drag my obviously passed out fiancee in the house. They walked past me into the bedroom and put him on the bed to sleep it off.

“Where did you find him?” I asked Brain.

I didn't get an answer he just stood there in front of me, towering over me. He wore a look of total defeat on his face, a look I have seen before. But never was this look on Brian's face. We stood there like that for what seemed like forever before he spoke

“I am sorry, but I can't deal with this. It is to much.” A single tear rolled down his cheek as he walked out my door. My heart-ached, as he left. I turned to Matt for the answer to my question.

“We found him in an alley and your car is out front.” he said handing me the keys.

“I don't understand why was he in an alley.”

“I don't know but, when he wakes up I am going to kick his ass.” Matt stated

“Why?”

“ When we found him, we started trying to get him to come back with us and he was fighting us on it, but we got him in the car. I was driving and Brian was in the back with him, when we were driving to the hotel that Zacky said he was at. Brian noticed something in his pocket.” Matt said as he pulled the small plastic bag from his pocket. The bag had once contained a white powder. I could tell from the residue left on the inside of the bag. Once I processed what Matt was telling me I felt as if the world was crumbling. Not my sweet Zacky, he can't do this. How could he do this. I instantly start blaming myself I should have stopped him from leaving, I should have went and found him instead of 'giving him some space'. How could I do this to him? I see the look on Brian's face again in my head and begin to wonder if he was thinking the same thing I was.

“Matt, what's wrong with Brian?”

“Oh yea, well Brian asked Zacky why he had that shit and started tripping on him and Zacky pretty much blamed Jimmy's death on Brian.”

I automatically wish I didn't ask.

“That doesn't sound like Zacky.”

“That's because that man in there isn't Zacky.” and with that he left.

I couldn't move. I just stood in the doorway leading to mine and Zacky's bedroom, watching him sleep. If I had any sense I would pack my bags and leave. But I can't. I can't leave him, I have to face the monster I created.

“Are you gonna be okay here alone with him?” Johnny asked from behind me.

I guess Matt filled him in on what was going on.

“Yea, go get some sleep Johnny.” I said hugging him. Did I really want Johnny to leave, no.

I laid down on the bed beside Zacky and attempt to sleep. But nevertheless I start thinking about what could have caused him to do something that he normally wouldn't. I could only come up with one reason, Jimmy. Jimmy was always there to protect him from himself, but Jimmy did it so smoothly that Zacky had no clue. If he had known he would have been pissed.

“Jimmy, why did you have to go, I miss you so much. I don't think that I can protect Zacky on my own.” I said to Jimmy.

And now that I had admitted that to myself the tears were pouring down, and nothing or no one can stop them, no one but Jimmy.

Zacky's P.O.V

I lay there in bed thinking about what I over heard Matt telling Delilah. I can hear the pain in everyone's voice. And I instantly hate myself. I feel the bed shift underneath me and then I hear Delilah's voice speaking to Jimmy. She is worried over me. What the hell is wrong with me? I am so supposed to be helping everyone and instead I am making it worse. I hear her crying and I can't stop myself I have to make it stop.

I rolled over and pulled her closer to me. She didn't fight me like I anticipated, but instead she rolled over and looked me in the eyes. Then she spoke.

“For the first time in my life, I am looking in to your eyes and I don't like what I see. And I am in your arms and I don't feel safe.”

This has shattered me. I am no longer a broken man, I am a tin man. I am cold, and I am heartless.