Terribly Fixated on You

I drove until I found him. I was obviously in no state to drive but I didn't care. I found him at the third stop light I reached. The street was vacant and I pulled over to the side of the road as best as I could and got out of the car. I felt all wobbly and it suddenly made me realize why the cars I was around before wouldn't stop honking at me.

"Tyler!" I shouted just as he was about to cross the street. He turned around and for the first time since he moved back he ran up to me and hugged me. I hugged him back of course, but the whole time I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall over. Although I doubt Tyler would let me fall in the first place. For whatever reason, I found myself crying; a drunken mess. The last time I had cried had been the day of my dad's funeral where I vowed to never cry again and here I was just sobbing away.

"What were you thinking?! Don't you ever get in a car drunk ever again. You hear me?" I was taken aback by the softness of his voice. The way he was muffled out a little bit because he was talking into my hair - the pony tail had been ruined sometime during the night. I didn't say anything at first. I just nodded my head and kept the beautiful moment we were sharing in tact as best as I could. "You... you're crying." At first it seemed like he was going to say something different but I was too afraid to ask.

"I know. I - I don't know. I was told you left and the next thing I knew I was driving around looking for you. Instinct I guess." I said as he sat us down on the curb so that we weren't wobbling around everywhere because I couldn't stand straight. I didn't look at him once. I stared straight out into the open road and hoped that my tears would somehow get vacuumed up by my eyeballs.

"You always did come after me." He said putting his arm around me. I shrugged him off wishing that I hadn't come looking for him. We weren't the friends we used to be but I guess I wanted our friendship to be the same so bad that I wouldn't take the hint. I had become one of those annoying people who deserved to get hit with a sign saying 'fuck you'. I laughed at my thoughts. "What?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry about this. I should probably just go home." I said standing up and wobbling over to my car. It was like I had completely forgotten about everything he said. I was apparently going to get in that car and drive myself home. Even I knew that I was completely incapable of doing that, especially when the tears were still going like fucking Niagara Falls. I turned around and said, "Can you drive me home?" He was already by my side prepared to take the keys anyways and so I just dropped them in his hand and got into the passenger seat.

Apparently Tyler was lost and as was I when I found him. How I found him? I don't even know. All I know was that I drove and there he was. I tried my best to navigate him to our neighborhood where he would be familiar with the ways of getting to our houses. It didn't take him long until he was pulling up onto the street where our neighbourhood began.

"Some asshole hit me on his run the other day. Right there," I said pointing to the spot where I was pushed over by the runner in Gray sweats, "I was pissed." I was thankful that the tears had stopped and that I was able to keep myself calm.

"That was me." He said smirking and I looked at him with my mouth in a wide O-shape. The asshole who needed to get hit in the head with a stop sign was Tyler. How did I not realize this before? I suddenly felt very stupid for bringing it up. "I didn't know it was you and I was going to fast to stop anyways. I'm sorry."

"Whatever, Ty." I said laughing. He pulled up beside my house and I didn't get out. I had so many things I wanted to say. Maybe it was because I was intoxicated or maybe it was because I had practiced everything I wanted to say to him in my head but I found myself wanting to talk to him longer.

"That's twice," He said smiling over at me like he was remembering something from a long time ago. I looked at him confused and waited for him to explain himself. "You called me Ty twice tonight."

"You don't like that I call you that?" I asked yawning. I figured it was around 1 a.m now and I either needed coffee or sleep. I leaned back in my chair and waited patiently for his reply. I felt my eyes close and then open again quickly.

"No, I do. It's what you used to call me all the time." Personally I didn't care whether or not he liked me calling him that because I was probably going to call him that a thousand more times without realizing it. "I want to hangout tomorrow. Just us two. Catch up, you know?" He said this slowly making sure I was listening.

"Okay," I said nodding, "Sure." He didn't leave the car sitting beside my house in the middle of the street, instead he drove it up on the driveway and got out handing me the keys. He told me that he'd just come to the house in the morning even though I told him I was probably going to end up sleeping until the afternoon. We said goodbye and then went inside our houses.

My mom had gone to bed but left me a note telling me that my friends had called and were disappointed that I left them at the party stranded without a car to drive them home but that a nice boy offered them a ride so I was off the hook. She also wrote that she had gone to bed and that Greg might still be up watching TV so if I heard a noise, it was him. I walked into the living room to check if anybody was in there and sure enough there sat Greg, his eyes glued to the TV that was showing some sort of sports review.

I told him I was going to bed and walked upstairs to my room. I layed on my bed and thought about everything that had happened tonight. I thought about how weird it was that Tyler had hugged me, like he was scared of losing me or something. It was strange to me that he had reacted that way to me driving because I didn't think he had an attachment to me anymore. It was probably stupid of me to think that though seeing as I still held an attachment to him, obviously.

More than anything though, I was pissed at myself for crying. Not only because it was in front of him but because I broke my promise to myself. I hated breaking promises. If I made a promise, I always kept it. That is in the sense where I say 'I promise'. If I don't say 'I promise' but you tell me to keep it a secret and I say 'okay' then it's not the same thing. Even though I usually always keep those secrets anyways. That was the first time I had cried in so long and the last time I had cried Tyler was also with me. He probably thought that I had turned into some crazy teenager who spent most of her time crying. I never cry though and so I wanted to smack him for being there when I did.

I couldn't fall asleep with all of the idiotic things running through my mind, so I got up and went over to my computer. I went to my email and searched through the left side until I found a file that said "Ty" with a heart beside it and clicked. Immediately a list of emails popped up. They were all from the day he moved up until we were twelve where I sent the last email we ever shared together.

I read through each email which must have taken me hours since there was over 80 of them and they were all detailed. I read some of them over and over again remembering the bond we shared. There were emails about his neighbourhood and there were emails about my dad. There were emails about how we missed each other, and emails about school. We wrote everything in those emails and for us being so young at the time, I was thoroughly impressed with them. I finally got to the last email I sent to him and slowly placed the mouse over it and clicked. An email popped up that was as long as the Earth to Moon. It talked about everything. It had stuff about school, my dad, my mom, Greg, the people who had just moved into his old house, how much I missed him, and I forgot how much I wanted a dog until I read this email because it had lots about wanting a dog too. I stopped when I reached the last paragraph and then continued to read it slowly and carefully. I had forgotten that I had written it; that it existed.

"I can't breath, Tyler. I need you here. I may be 12 years old, but I know I need you here more than anything else in my life. This stuff with my dad has been driving me insane. I want to know why. Why him? My mom said to not worry about him anymore, that he's in a better place. I know that we talk about him, Tyler, but never like this. Please come home. You're home will always be here with me. You're my other half. Look at your hand and you'll think the same thing. It hurts. It hurts so bad."

I cringed. There was more to the email but I shut off my computer before I could get a chance to read the rest. The first thing that came to mind while reading that was how a twelve year old could write an email like that. It seemed weird that I had been feeling that way since I was twelve years old. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I knew what I was referring to. I was bleeding while I was writing that to him. I was a twelve year and my wrists were bleeding. I went over to my bed and wrapped my blanket around me and hummed and I looked down at the scars on my wrist. My mom had sent me to therapy after that. She didn't want me going to a psych ward. It seemed to do the trick. I planned on never doing it again after that night because I was terrified but therapy helped me control myself a little bit better. Those scars were in my past. They were faint and you could hardly see them anymore because I had tried so many techniques of getting rid of them. I would never go back to that state, ever again. I knew that.

Tyler never answered that email. I clearly needed him more than I ever needed him before then. I guess it would always be a mystery to me. The unanswered email. I stopped thinking all together after that and let myself fall asleep.