Second Chances, Bad Habits

After Ash left the room, everything just crashed. I started hyperventilating, everything was spinning, I couldn’t think straight. Tugging on my hair, when a set of arms pulled my hands away from my face, turning me towards them.

“Deli, what happened, breathe, c’mon just breathe.” Andy was scared shitless, his panic was clear in his face. Only making my panic attack worse. Tears were now streaming down my face, my breathing getting worse.

“Deli, calm down, please, it’s going to be ok” Andy said, placing his hands on my face, stroking my cheek. Eventually, I calmed down enough to be able to breath properly and talk.

“Ash left me.” Andy’s face dropped. The words rang again in my head, making my knees buckle. Andy followed me to the floor, pulling me into a hug.

“I-I don’t k-know what to d-do.” I cried into Andy’s shoulder, as I gripped his shirt as hard as I could.

“Deli, shh, what exactly did he say.” Andy said, moving my hair out of my face.

“T-that we n-needed a b-break, b-because he c-couldn’t trust m-me.” I cried even harder, making it almost impossible to breathe, stopping off any noise I was making before.

“Deli, breathe, please, breathe, it’s going be ok, if he said just a break, then you just have to get him to trust you again.” Andy said quickly. I still couldn’t get any air into my lungs though, he’d left me. The one thing I had left, and it’s gone. What was I going to do when Oscar was born, I’d be all alone. I couldn’t look after a baby on my own. Ash promised he wouldn’t leave me. I remembered his exact words.

“What are we going to do if it comes back positive?” I asked, panicking inside at what Ash’s answer would be. I had no idea whether I’d want to keep it, or make life easier for tour, and get rid of it.

“I dunno, I honestly don’t know what to say Deli, but whatever we do I’m not leaving you to do it yourself.” Ash gave a weak smile, before pulling me into a hug, kissing the top of my head. I hugged him back, hiding in his chest, and breathing in his scent. Ash always smelt nice, and it always made me feel happy and calm.

“He promised he wouldn’t leave me.” I muttered in to Andy’s chest, when I’d finally stopped crying.

“Hmmm….he said he couldn’t trust you right?” Andy all of sudden sounded like a squirrel on crack. I nodded in return.

“He doesn’t trust you because you did drugs right?” He said, grabbing the tops of my arms. I nodded again, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Deli, I think the only way you’re going to get his trust back is if you go to rehab.” Andy said, looking at me cautiously, as if I’d blow a top or something. I was shocked at first, but after thinking it over, I realised there was no other way. If I go to rehab, then there’s no way I’d do drugs again, and Ash would know that, then he’d have to trust me.

I slowly nodded, as realisation washed over me. I quickly got Ash’s laptop from his bag, googling the nearest rehab to where we were. Thankfully we were still in LA.

“What about this place?” I said, getting up and showing Andy the page for a rehab hospital that was only 2 miles down the road.

“That’s looks great, why don’t you give them a call?” Andy said pulling out his phone, typing in the digits.

*******************

After getting off the phone with some lady from the rehab, I turned to Andy, facing his expectant smile. Neither of us had heard anything from Ash yet, which worried me a little. Even if I was pissed that he’d broke his promise to me.

“Because I’m willing to go, they said I can come anytime, even today, if I want, and they’ll set me up and everything.” I smiled half-heartedly. I’ll be honest, if I had a choice, I wouldn’t be going anywhere near that fucking place. But if I wanted Ash back, regardless of his broken promise, and I’d broke my promise too, and now I had to be the better person, and win him back.

“How long did they say you’ll have to stay for?” Andy asked, he looked sympathetic, but sad at the same time. It was sort of strange how attached we’d become in the space of a day.

“A month, unless I relapse, in which case it will be 3.” I said, looking down to hide the tears that were building up. I was terrified, and I didn’t have Ash backing me up. He’d been there for me through so much, and now, when I’m absolutely terrified, he’s nowhere to be found. But I’m guessing even if he was here, I’d probably wish him away.

“Andy? How am I gonna tell him, if he won’t even look at me?” I said, pain making my voice wobble uncontrolably.

“I dunno, leave him a note? I can make sure he reads it if you want?” He said, taking my hand and rubbing circles into the back of it. I nodded in agreement.

“Wait, what was that bass he wanted? You know the one he was playing the day that day in the music store, with Max being a dick?” I said brightly, the idea overwhelming me. I’d buy Ash the bass he wanted, and leave the note strapped to it. Then at least, I might make him smile a little.

*****************************

Hours later, me and Andy were stood outside the rehab. I’d packed all of my things, told the rest of my band what was going on, and Andy said it was fine not being able to open for them. But most importantly, Ash’s new bass guitar was laying, waiting for him, with a bow and my letter.

“You sure you’re gonna be ok?” Andy asked, looking how I felt. I smiled encouragingly, pulling him into a hug. I didn’t say anything, only because I’d scream and pelt back into the car. I didn’t really fancy being pryed out of the car.

Turning and walking to the huge building, I turned to wave bye to Andy, before walking through the doors of hell. The whole, wishing and hoping, that this would work. That Ash would come back. If not, I might as well stay here.