M. Shadows' Lips of Deceit

The soft bed cushions my hungry body as I sit here in silence. The television is untouched, my Ipod still hidden somewhere in my leaving bag and the clock radio hanging by the cord off the nightstand. Earlier I sat there watching it, almost stalking it and letting my eyes burn into the red numbers that read the time. In slower then slow motion the minutes went by and eventually I got sick of sitting there watching it.

I’ve got the bathroom door closed, blocking off any of the light from that window and the comfort of the soothing looking bath. I’m punishing myself. Because if I don’t who will? I regret that Adam had to find out and that I’m sitting here now cold and alone. That’s something too big to forgive.

Sandra and Chase made it perfectly clear earlier not to come back and my eye still burns with the hit she threw at me. I don’t know if it’s swollen or black, I can’t look in the mirror. Though maybe I should, maybe I should stare at my reflection like I did the clock. Let the guilt and everything else just engulf me, even further.

I can’t stop playing their voices or the muted screen of the night that brought this all into the light. If only I threw it away…or maybe if I just got out at night, left and never went back. If I did that at least he wouldn’t have had the pain of me cheating on him. But it’s too late for that, what happened happened and now it’s time to deal. Deal and try to get out of this.

With every blink I blink my eyes sting painfully, every time I tried to stop crying I just cried more. Why do we do that? It feels like my chest fell through as well, into the very pit of my stomach were it lays disintegrating. I’m waiting on tonight but with the clock hanging away I won’t know when tonight comes.

A tap echoes through the door three times and I flinch. Someone’s knocking on my door. They can’t possibly be back for round two can they?

After three knocks who ever it is pauses and when I think they’re gone they knock again. This is how it’s going to be now? I scramble silently off of the bed and walk over to the door, tripping every few steps over my shoeless feet.

Tap. It coils through my body as I have my hand on the handle. Unnoticed, I bite on my already chewed out lip and like peeling off a band aid, in one smooth turn, I turn the knob to open the door. And light from the hallway floods through the slim crack as I step backwards to open the door farther back.

No pushing or screaming, maybe it’s…hotel people…

I can feel my sore eyes bulge and my face contort into a mighty confused look. “Ma-Matt?” I stutter, tightening my fingers around the circular metal knob.

“Uh…hi…” I fall into a frown as I notice the look dug into his face, the sadness that’s slowly eating through his features. “Mind if I talk to you?”

“Why?” I ask alarmed like a kid when they do something wrong and they don’t know if anyone knows. It starts down at my feet, a tremble working up to give away my mess and what it’s created. I fight to stand still but I shake a little more. Matt nods to come in and I step back. He stands just against the molding surrounding the door, the door that’s keeping me from dropping into a pile of goo.

This is just a little too much…

“I have to ask you something…I know this must be a lot at the moment…but um…” I urge him to go on with my eyes, least I think I am. “…Is it…egh…true?” After he whispers true everything that has seemed to fall apart crumbles even more. If that’s even possible. Yeah, I say it’s possible because now I feel worse. This is something I didn’t think about, that’d I’d get found…

I can only nod and then I can’t even look at him. He exhales very lightly and I can see his shadow shift. I silently growl back tears, I’m not going to ruin his life and everyone connected to him. “I’m not keeping it.” I whisper clearly and at first I don’t think it even came out until a couple minutes later, “Are you…sure?”

“I can’t and I’m not going to ruin your life…It was an accident…”

“Are you…sure it’s mine?” I bring my eyes up to his and instantly regret it, they’re wet with grief and that just pulls on whatever is left inside.

“Yeah…me and my…ex fiancé…never…” He came all the way over here by somehow finding out and the last thing I want to do is break down in front of him. I hold in my breath so I can’t sob but that doesn’t work…as I gasp for some air my body betrays me and let’s a sob fall.

“I’m sorry,” I flinch and he pulls his hand away, he rested it on my shoulder for comfort but I don’t deserve it. “He won’t take you back?” I shake my head and tremble with the let go of the knob, bringing my hands over my mouth and nose.

He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t leave, he just stands there listening to me cry. After…I dunno’ some minutes I force myself to calm down, biting on my tongue roughly as if to help. “I don’t know if I can let you just throw it away…” As soon as he whispers I instantly shut the hell up. “…I mean…” His tongue rolls over his dark bottom lip as he searches for the words to say. “…Two wrongs don’t make a right, right?”

“I’m sorry you had to come here…that you even found out…you’re talented and have a lot going for you, you don’t need some one night stand ruining what you have and can have. I don’t want to do that or be the thing that ruins it…And I know how it must sound…but…” A chill runs up my spine as I rummage for the words to say to him and for him to get it.

“I love her…” He’s looking at the floor and his voice sounds far in the whisper he’s speaking in. “…She’s the one and…”

“Then go…”

“The brush off?”

“No, not at all…It’s not like anyone knows…well other then…”

“…It’s wrong though…” His voice breaks and I can’t look and watch the tear that falls, slip down his face. Hesitantly I lightly touch his hand, in an ‘it’s gonna’ be okay fashion’. My breath knocks out of me through my spine as he pulls me forward against him, in a hug. “…thank you.” He murmurs against my head before letting me go and I nod.

So do you say goodbye in these situations?

“Good luck with her,” I say with a sniffle, trying to clear my throat.

“You too,” I don’t want to notice the light relief in his eyes and that upsets me. Where do I have the right to not be happy for him, he who can make his life work? After a small, hesitant peck on the forehead that’s stacked with bangs, he turns and walks down the hall. I close my door and as soon as the snap indicates it’s closed I collapse against it, almost silently.

I don’t know how long, yet again, I sat against the door but it was sometime…or so it really felt. It has to be night by now…

I can’t hear the beat of my heart but I can hear the slight crunch to my every blink. My back is against the comfortable pillows of the bed. And my knees are bent upwards with my feet side by side. For a couple of minutes everything seems kind of calm. Is that weird?

A pen lies at the end of the bed and my bag is open over to the right of the room. A piece of paper rests on my lap, a blank piece of college ruled notebook paper. I concentrate on it and I wonder will I see it? And then I pull the trigger that silences me.