I Believe in Yesterday

Bailey's POV

“Virgiiiiiniaaaaa!!”

“I banged a girl named Virginia once.” Alex laughed at Jack and went back to humming his melody he made up about being in Virginia. “In Virginia.”

I laughed beside Jack as we all lounged in the front of the bus. It was almost noon but none of the boys had gotten ready yet. We had been lying around since the donuts and I was surprised the boys weren’t really getting up and doing anything; it was the first show today and they had a lot to do. I didn’t mind though because I was feeling happy again as we laughed my piteous feelings away. Maybe not away, but buried them at least for a while.

Leaning my head against Jack’s shoulder and I tilted my chin up to look at him doubtfully. “You’re full of shit, Jack.”

“No I’m serious. It’s like, my bucket list. Fuck a girl from every state with the same name of that said state.” Alex scoffed at Jack’s tone of voice and attempt to sound smart. “North Carolina, Caroline. South Caroline, Carol. New Jersey, Jersey. Maryland, Mary—”

“Okay, Mary, I believe. Mary Nelson? Total babe.” Jack and Alex bumped fists and Melanie rolled her eyes before getting up and going outside.

“California, Callie. Indiana, Anna. North Dakota, Dakota. Alabama…Allie. Florida…uh…Florry…?”

I shook my head against the sleeve of Jack’s shirt. “Bull shit.”

Alex took a swig of his beer and laughed at me. “Bailey is a sassy, frassy biotch!”

Laughing half-heartedly, I eyed the beer in Alex’s hand. It made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t that I was being judgmental or in any way motherly, but I knew why he was on his second beer by noon.

I guess we all dealt with grief in different ways but that didn’t stop me from worrying about him. I watched Alex’s sluggish body move, trying to appear like he had high spirits about everything at the moment. He set down his half consumed drink before speaking, “I’m going to go and talk to some bitches.”

“You look like a lion with a shitty mane.”

“Wow Jack, I think that was the first half-quality simile you have ever thought of.”

“Fuck you”

“Later.” Alex winked. “I think I take a stroll around the venue and then maybe get ready.” He opened the door and I saw a curly head of hair walk up to him as he exited the bus. “Hey man.”

I heard Zack’s aloof voice greet Alex back before hopping up the bus stairs. “Hey, guys.” He paused and smiled at me, making me blush, before strolling back further into the bus.

Jack started nudging at my ribcage. When I sat up and looked at him, he was wiggling his eyebrows. “So…you and Zack, huh?”

I suppressed a laugh, “Eh…I don’t know if it’ll happen. I mean, he’s nice and all but…he’s just…”

“Too muscle-y? Too talented? Too big of dick?”

“Exactly,” I said, shaking my head. “Buuuutt…I guess I’ll just kind of string him along for a while.”

“You know, I can hear you!”

Jack and I both smiled before Jack hitched his voice up two octaves and yelled pretending to be me, “I love you, baby!”

“Stop hitting on my boyfriend, Jack.”

Jack smirked and shifted positions so his head was lying in my lap. I looked into his brown eyes and instead of smiling with a giant cheesy grin back at him, my mind flashed to all those nights where I sat squished between, underneath, on top of a bunch of my high school friends as they shoved pizza down their throats and we watched Home Alone for the third time that night. Those nights were filled with laughter, dirty jokes and bonding that we had been unaware of. We hadn’t realized how our strings were being knotted together until one of us from the group suddenly snipped herself away and we were left hanging and fraying.

Zack walked back into the front and leaned against the counter lazily as I ran my fingers through Jack’s soft, lush hair. He closed his eyes with a pleasant smile gracing his lips and I smiled up at Zack. Looking back down, I studied my fingers, how they weaved through the black strands all the way out to the fading blonde tips. I thought back to all the times I laid in Zack’s room, playing with his hair, or we both sat in his car, growing our relationship behind all of our friends’ backs.

I guess Jade wasn’t the only one with the scissors; I definitely contributed to the cutting of our strings. I just couldn’t seem to get that out of my mind. I wasn’t the one to blame anymore, but somehow, I still wondered what I did wrong to make Jade leave. And then I wondered if I did something to bring the pain back, back on this tour.

Jack opened his eyes quickly, making me jump in surprise. He smiled again at me before sitting up. “Before I fall asleep again, I better go and get ready for today! In Virgiiiiiniaaaaa!!” He stopped mid-step and turned to look at me with a face. “Goddamn Alex; got that fuckin song stuck in my head.”

I heard him start to hum the tune Alex had created earlier through the thin bathroom door. No matter how torn apart we each had become over the past two days, we would never be torn apart from each other. Jade wouldn’t break us apart even if her actions broke me apart in the process.

After Jack had disappeared, the bus became surprisingly quiet. I heard soft movement from the bunks, but most everyone was outside, setting up and getting ready for later tonight.

Zack walked towards me and I stood up. Laughing, I poked his stomach. “You are staring creepily.”

He didn’t laugh back. Instead he looked at me seriously, taking my hands lightly in his. “You should really stop faking that you’re okay.”

I looked back and forth between his eyes, realizing he could see through me. I usually loved that he could tell there was something bothering me or when I was confused with my own thoughts.

Earlier I had been ready to talk, but I was relaxed and having fun. Laughing and joking with Jack made me feel like there wasn’t anything wrong and I was completely normal again; thoughts about my sister were easier to forget and the feeling of Jade’s betrayal hadn’t completely settled in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m not faking anything, Zack,” I spat, ignoring his thumbs that were running over my knuckles.

“It sure seems like it.”

I ripped my hands away from his. I was tired of his prying. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t. “No, Zack. I’m not faking.. I’m fine! Stop interrogating me like I’m your case down at the bureau. You don’t have to use the third degree on me. I’m fine.”

His head craned back and gave me a look of offense. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine!” he mocked. “God Bails, you’re not always “fine” and I’m not always cross-examining you. I’m your boyfriend. I’m trying to help.”

I just wanted to cry in his arms. I wanted him to wrap his thick, strong arms around my tiny frame and hold me. I wanted everything to be normal again. But thanks to her, I didn’t even know what normal was. Normal used to be me, her and Sam. Then it was me, Jade and Lutherville. And then it was me. It became seeing Zack when I was on breaks from college or when he was in California for recording and touring, joking with Jack, bickering and mocking Alex and just sitting silently and watching TV with Rian.

I didn’t need another situation to adjust to and another life to live. I didn’t need another reason to cry, watch people suffer, or fight with Zack.

I felt horrible for being a bitch to Zack; he was only trying to help. But, like all the past events that happened over yesterday and today, I let my emotions get the best of me.

I started backing away to turn and head for the back lounge. “Well don’t, Zack. Not right now, not this.” I walked swiftly, directly to my bag and pulled out my pair of salvation.

I marched back up to the front, where Jack was out of the bathroom and making himself a sandwich at the counter. Zack sat at the table quietly as Jack talked to him. I sat myself down with a decent amount of space between Zack and me, bending down to roughly yank at my laces and tie them tight.

Jack turned around as I was about to stand up. With his jelly sandwich hanging out of his mouth, he noticed the disturbance in my eyes and scowl on my face. “Jazz, where are you going?” he whispered. I started opening the door and everyone’s buzzing conversations from outside slowly floated in with mine as uttered my last words.

“Running.”

==========

I had never really understood the phrase “calm before the storm.” I knew what it meant, but I hadn’t ever really experienced the idiom. My feet hit the gravel beneath me rhythmically as I jogged across the lot, running between busses and vans, dodging stray boxes and wandering people. Now that I thought about it, my whole life had been the perfect example of “calm before the storm.”

As my thigh muscles dug deep into my fast pace, I could feel my poignancy drain with the sweat that left my pores. I could start to hear my breathing echo through my ears after a while of high intensity running and even though it hurt, I didn’t want to stop.

It was just my luck that whenever my life was going fine, something had to happen. Whenever the “storm” came along, the normal “calm” I had established was destroyed. It only made sense that once my sister and I had grown to be best friends again and knit even more tightly together than before Sam’s death, she would leave me. Everything had been so perfect, I should have known perfect never lasts for me.

And then I obtained a sort of calm on the other end of the spectrum than before. Life without Jade finally became calm but she brought another storm back with her. The storm Jade created when she left finally left for good when the thought of her left my head. But as soon as she returned, that storm came back with her.

She was equipped with brunette hair, inked skin, abnormal personality and the wrong boy with a ring pierced through his lip. It was hard to believe that Jade was my sister. She was my twin sister. Twin.

Even though my chest was already struggling for air, it tightened even more when I realized that Jade was the one person I was supposed to be the closest to and feel the deepest connection to.

I had already made a loop around the venue a couple times and I still had my assigned workout from my trainer back in California that I was supposed to do today. Realizing my impulsive running wouldn’t be good for my winter cross-country training, I decided to turn and head back to the bus.

Many more people were outside, bustling to set up the stage, preparing to sound check, unpacking merch and saying hello to new faces since I had been out to get donuts early this morning. When I left for my run, I hadn’t taken time to notice all the work the crews were doing, but as I returned, I got lost in all the unfamiliar faces that I had yet to meet over the two month time period.

“Bailey?”

My pace had slowed down noticeably from when I had started, but still at a comfortable jog as I made my way back to the bus to talk to Zack. Time alone with my thoughts, even just the short run, made me feel better and I wanted to apologize to him. I was so focused on what I was going to say to Zack, that I almost didn’t even hear my name called a second time, even with more force attached to it.

“Bailey!”

I stopped and looked around, my eyes landing on a tall, skinny frame with a mop of brown, stringy hair in his eyes. He was smiling at me shyly and his lips widened a little more when he saw the recognition in my eyes once I saw him.

I immediately remembered his face and jogged over to him. “Hey John. Long time, no see.”

“I know right?” he smirked, raising the opened bottled water to his lips and taking a gulp. I looked around and saw Garrett and Jared lounging around with Kennedy and Pat, whom I met a couple hours ago after Pat barged onto All Time Low’s bus as he and Kennedy looked for the rest of The Maine.

I kicked the ground with the tip of my right shoe and looked down at the cement, tracing the cracks with my eyes. “Well…” I said bashfully, not really knowing what else to say to him. I met his soft green eyes with my brighter ones and smiled before speaking, “I better get back…”

I turned on my heel and started walking away from their van back to All Time Low’s bus. “Hey, uh Bailey?”

I swiveled back around again, “Yes?”

“Are you alright?” I looked at him with a tilted head. I knew there was something about him. When I met his eyes a few seconds ago, it was just like the moment earlier this morning; I felt like I could trust him. I didn’t know him at all, but he seemed easy to talk to and good at listening, but his ability to understand was even better.

I also felt vulnerable. I felt like I was back at my first day at Dulaney: vulnerable and cautious about people and potential friends that would pry. I know I was proven wrong by those people I eventually had made family with eventually, but I just couldn’t be sure.

“You want to talk or something…?” John continued to ask.

“No, it’s okay.” I didn’t know why John cared so much. He didn’t even know me, it was the first day of meeting me and he had plenty of other things he could be doing than talking to a pitiful girl.

“Well…how about lunch then?” I looked around, unsure accompanied with hesitance. “Come on. You just got done running and you look like you need food on your bones.”

I smirked and laughed at his statement, “Thanks, Grandpa.”

He laughed a soft laugh, “So that’s a yes?”

“Yeah, I guess it is. Um, I’ll go get some water and a sweatshirt and we can go?”

“Awesome.”

==========

“Super America, ham and cheese sandwiches? Very classy.”

John laughed as he gave me a bag of Cheetos he just purchased. “Eh. What else do you need? You got your protein, dairy and grain.”

“I don’t know…maybe some fruits and vegetables?” I joked, unwrapping my sandwich from its foil wrap and taking a small bite, making sure it wasn’t too hot.

“You,” he paused, pointing at me, “are too healthy.”

I smiled and shrugged. “I guess Zack rubs off on me.”

“Up on you, off on you, eh, what’s the difference.” He smirked at me and popped a Cheeto into his mouth. I started to laugh at John’s dry sense of humor. I couldn’t tell if he was making these jokes intentionally, or this was just his personality, but it was entertaining me. I also realized that John was pretty attentive.

He clearly offered lunch to talk; did he see something in my eyes, just like I could his? He had noticed the awkwardness settle in the room after Jade entered. He even knew Zack and I were dating with just a one-time name-drop. It kind of made me wonder what else he knew, or observed, about me.

“So, you go to Stanford?” John asked after a comfortable silence filled with chewing.

Setting down my water, I eyed him suspiciously. Now I was actually getting guarded at how much John knew about me.

“Are you like, stalking me? How did you know that? I’ve never told you about that.”

John noticed the wall I was building between me and him and quickly spoke up, “Come on, Bailey.” I looked at him distrustfully again. “You’re only the talk of the tour!”

“W-What?”

“Yeah…” John averted his eyes down at his food and thousands of questions started rolling through my head. I didn’t need people to know about what my friends and I were dealing with. What was being talked about? How much did people know? Were rumors starting?

John looked back up at me and smiled softly, barely showing his teeth. I was so unaware that I needed him to say it. It was the most unexpected thing for him to say. But when he did, I couldn’t help but smile and actually feel pure happiness for at least a few moments. I couldn’t help the warming in my chest, despite the chilly air in the gas station. He looked at me carefully but spoke sincerely, “I thought you would want a friend.”