Fat

I haven’t really had a lot of time to write lately. The teachers have been piling on the homework and I have three assignments all due next week. I’ve had to really crack down on all that stuff otherwise Mother and especially Father wouldn’t have let me go out tomorrow. Of course, if they knew that I was going out on a date with a boy I would’ve been locked in my bedroom for all of eternity by Father. He hates gay people. And gay people, or at least, this gay person (i.e. me), hates him. I just told my parents that I’m going out with Lucas, Jake and Lucas’ friends, even though they still scare me a bit, except for Andi. She’s nice. Mother seemed okay with that; Father just huffed and told me to make sure all my homework is done and that if I don’t get my assignments finished on time I’ll be grounded for a month.

I’ve been good with my diet. I’ve thrown up every meal I’ve eaten since Tuesday, even my lunches. I wait until Lucas and Jake get distracted and then I go to the bathroom and get rid of it all. I don’t think I’ve started to lose weight yet, though. I make sure to look in the mirror every time I come out of the shower and I still look the same. It’s disappointing. It makes me cry every morning before Lucas comes to pick me up. Then he makes me feel better. He kisses me for a bit longer now than he used to. Usually for about 20 or 30 seconds. And I swear today I felt something rubbing against my lips. It made me jump and pull back. Lucas laughed quietly and said something like: “Too fast” to himself and then started the car to drive to school. I couldn’t stop thinking of that slight pressure on my lips. I think it was Lucas’ tongue! He tried to put his tongue in my mouth! Is that normal? I really need to ask someone or do some research about this whole “kissing” thing. I’m way out of my depth.

I can hear Mother coming up the hall towards my room. I should get back to working on my history assignment.

My date is tomorrow. I’m freaking out.