Fat

I really didn’t want to go to school this morning. Just thinking about what Lucas and I did on Saturday makes me feel both embarrassed and sick to my stomach. Embarrassed because Lucas is the only person (other than my family when I was a baby) that I’ve ever let see and even touch my body when I’ve been naked. And sick because of that same reason but multiplied because of how hideous my body is and how disgusted Lucas must’ve been when he was looking at and touching it.

But I was really surprised when I arrived at school (Mother forced me to go), and Lucas didn’t even mention Saturday night. He acted exactly as he always does: He said “hello, beautiful”, gave me a big hug, and a really quick kiss on the lips (after checking around to see if anybody was watching, because I am really not ready for people to know that I like boys. Dustin and his gang of idiots would probably spend the rest of their lives following me around and taunting me and beating me up for being a “fag” (that’s what he calls gay people, which is absolutely disgusting and derogatory but that’s Dustin for you.)).

I think maybe Lucas knew that I was feeling embarrassed about the other night cause he didn’t talk about it all day, even when we were spending some of our lunchtime in a quiet corner of the library, away from everyone else. He just talked about how much his family liked me and that they want me to come over for dinner again soon. He also said that he got permission from his boss for me to come and watch one of his photo shoots with Sammy and another model for a fashion company. He said the shoot goes from this Thursday afternoon and will go on to Friday afternoon and possibly Saturday if the client isn’t happy with what they’ve done so far. Lucas said to ask Mother and Father tonight if I can go with him on Thursday but I’m sure it will be fine with Mother. I learned a long time ago not to ask Father to go anywhere. He never lets me do anything except study.

The only mention Lucas made to Saturday night was just as the bell rang for our afternoon classes. He said: “I’ll call you tonight, okay? Make sure you ask your parents about Thursday so you can tell me if you can come. And we’ll have a chat about the other night, alright?” I just nodded. I didn’t trust myself to open my mouth, because I felt like I would be sick again. I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. Maybe I need to cut down on food again...

Anyway, I’m pretty excited about watching Lucas’ shoot. It sounds really interesting to watch and I’m excited to see what my boyfriend does to earn money.

And now I have homework. I’ll ask Mother about Thursday at dinner. Father will be working late tonight. Just how I like it.