Tear Tracks Forever

My heart fluttered, knowing that what I was going to do would affect my life forever.

“Well, here’s the Cyanide. One of the deadliest poisons in the world and the same one used to kill your father, found in your room. Se if you recognize it,” Daniel said.

“Okay. Thank you, sir,” my voice sounded hollow, and I wondered if those were the last words I’d ever say.

No, they couldn’t be.

“I love you, Alex,” I whispered, and then smiled a little bit. Those were the last words of mine meant to be said.

“What?” Daniel asked.

I shook my head and picked up the bottle, pretending to scrutinize it but instead my eyes darting for the sweet moment when Daniel would turn away from me.

He got up and looked at one of the walls, facing them and away from me. I knew I had only one chance to die. Otherwise I would be stuck in jail the rest of my life. And then there was nothing else to live for. I took a deep breath, summoning courage and forgiveness, and while he wasn’t looking, I snatched the Cyanide off the table, unscrewed the tiny black cap, and drank it all in one gulp.

Daniel turned around, just in time to see me finishing off the last few drops.

“No! Put that down!” he screamed as he snatched it from my hand. But it was too late. The last drops of Cyanide had already disappeared down my throat.

The last thing I remembered was feeling drowsy and like I was being choked as Daniel screeched into a walkie-talkie, “I need EMT here on the stat! She drank the Cyanide!”
Then the world spun around...once…twice…three times, and then it went black.

*~*

One Day Later

My eyes fluttered open, my first sight heart monitors, other machines, and finally me, in a hospital gown, with at least 10 needles crammed into the crook of my arm. My first thoughts were, what? Am I dead? I glanced at Lynn and Daniel who were sitting in two plastic chairs near my bed.

The detective Lynn smiled at me, her glossy brown bob still as perfect as ever.
"They pumped the Cyanide out of your stomach. You're going to be all right."

I began to cry. "I don't want to be all right! I want to die!"

Lynn shook her head. "I’m afraid that's not all right. Your family will miss you, sweetie."
"What family??? My mom and dad are dead, every other relative is dead except for my aunt, and she's too far away to care about any of this shit!" I yelled, my throat sore and my voice hoarse.

Lynn opened her mouth to speak, but her co-worker, Daniel placed a hand on her shoulder. I knew that there was something romantic going on between them but I had been too wrapped up in my own shit to care. Why did it even matter?

"Lynn, the girl's been through enough stress already. I think it would be better if we left her alone," he told her quietly.

They sat back down in their chairs.

Then, there was a knock on the doorway.

"Come in!" Daniel shouted.

The door creaked open, and Alex stepped in, a single red rose in his hand. He placed it on the bedside table, and then studied my face. Then he asked Lynn and Daniel, "Please can I talk to Rhee alone?"

"I'm afraid that's not possible," Lynn sighed, shaking her head.

Just say yes, I wanted to scream.

"Please? Just two minutes alone so I can talk to her. You guys can even videotape it or something, but I just need two minutes alone," Alex begged.

The detective Lynn sighed and looked at her watch.

"Two minutes," she said and then she and Daniel left the room.

Alex sat on the edge of the hospital bed and brushed a loose strand of hair out of my eyes.
His cloudy blue eyes searched my brown ones, ashy blond waves falling over his forehead.
His eyes were a mix of confusion and worry.

"What's going on in your head?" he whispered.

"I don't know," I replied, staring back at him. My eyes never left his face and his eyes never left mine.

Then I paused. "Alex, can you do me a favor?" I asked.

"Anything," he whispered back.

"I need you to help me. Commit suicide. I don't care what you do--bring me poison, a gun...Hell, I don't care if you throw me off a cliff. There's nothing more I want than to die. That's why I took the poison," I told him.

He jerked away. "Rhee, I can't do that. Anything but that."
"Why not?" my voice came out in a cold, hoarse whisper, and it didn't sound like myself at all.

"Because I love you too much, Rhee," he told me, then he leaned in and had barely touched his lips to mine when Lynn burst into the room, shouting, "Two minutes are up!"

Alex ignored her. "Rhee, promise me that you'll do one thing. For me."

"What?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

"Keep breathing. I couldn't bear to see you dead," he said softly.

I wanted to stay that way forever, Alex leaning above me and looking into my eyes with so much love.

"Ahem," Lynn cleared her throat softly.

I snapped back to attention, annoyed.

"I'm sorry Rhee, but it seems as if your visitor has to leave," Lynn said. I thought I saw a smirk, but I couldn't be too sure.

Alex gently kissed me one more time, a soft, gentle kiss, and I felt the emotions rush through me, it felt like drinking the Cyanide all over again. Except it didn’t taste bitter and unforgiving, it tasted sweet and…loving. My emotions felt as if they were taking over my whole body, and I felt high. I wondered if it was because of the Cyanide or his kiss. Probably both. I titled my face up, trying to kiss him again, wanting more, but instead, Alex pulled away from me, giving me a tiny smile. He caressed my face, the smooth skin of his thumb brushing against my cheek. He stood up, getting off the bed and stepping toward the door. I didn’t want him to leave, but as usual, I had no choice. I closed my eyes as he quietly left the room.

I hated my life more than ever and really wanted to die. But even Alex wasn't going to let me.
I sobbed into my pillow, not caring if Lynn or Daniel or anyone saw, feeling more confused and alone than I was before. And praying to God to let me die.