All Those Things I Still Remember

I took out the journal that I had bought earlier and opened it to the first page. I grabbed a pen from the drawer and scribbled the date at the top corner. I took a deep breath and began writing.

Dear Jimmy,

Mikey suggested that I make a diary to write to you. He said it helped him, and so, seeing as how I am so desperate for help, I decided to try. I don’t know exactly what to say. I mean, I guess I’m supposed to tell you everything that is on my mind. So, I’ll just start with this. I love you. No, I take that back. I’m in love with you. I wanted to tell you so bad, but I was afraid that it would mess up what we had. That’s why Mikey and I were in such a big fight.

On Halloween, after he confronted us and I sent everyone home, he started talking about how he couldn’t believe that I would do that to him again. I told him that he wasn’t the person that I married. I mean, you know what I mean. He’s He was a total dick. He wasn’t ever there. He was usually with Pete and Frank and he hardly ever bothered to help around the house, let alone have an actual conversation with me. He just didn’t care. I said that he had a huge ego and that I felt that Melody and I didn’t have a place in his life anymore. I told him about how you would stop whatever it was that you were doing just to come over and make sure I was okay. He called me a whore and told me that I was just making shit up, just so that I could have an excuse to leave him and run off with you. He told me that I was a whore because first, I was with his brother, and then, I was supposedly with you. He said that I would be with anyone who said that they cared about me, and that you had been in love with me since the day we met. I told him that I was glad, because I was in love with you too. I knew it hurt him, but I was angry.

I told him that if you were in love with me, then, at least I knew I had a real man who cared about me. One who puts Mel and me first. One who doesn’t give a shit what I wear, as long as I’m happy. I said that I wished he was more like you. I don’t know exactly what made me say it, but I just did. I mean, you were really important to me. We never fought. And I think that the one time that we did, you didn’t even let me leave before you apologized. I will never know another you, Jimmy. I’ll miss you, but not forever, because that’s just not long enough for me.

All my love,
Shay

I closed the book and put it back in the drawer along with the pen. I shut the drawer and rose from the chair. I started to walk over to the bed, but I changed my mind. Instead, I left the room and walked to the living room, where Trick and Frank and Pete were playing with Melody. Patrick looked up at me and patted the seat next to him.

“You’re alive, ”he smiled faintly. I nodded slightly.

“I have to get out of this, ”I replied quietly.

“Good, because life sucked ass when you were stuck in that shit, ”he laughed softly. I nodded, smiling slightly.

“Well, I’m not completely out yet.”