All Those Things I Still Remember

Patrick’s POV

I lay on my bed, unable to sleep. I just kept thinking about what Melody had said to Jimmy. Her little self standing all alone in the sanctuary with his body. She had to kneel on a chair to see him, but she spoke so softly to him, and it broke my heart as I listened.

“Jimmy, why did you leave my mommy? She didn’t do anything wrong. She hasn’t come out of her room since Trick brought us home. She just cries and I want to help her, but I don’t know how. Can you help me? I will miss you and honestly, this is scary because I never seen a dead body… But, I am thinking of it like you are just asleep. I heard Mommy listening to a song… And I think that it’s a sign. Are you a little piece of heaven? I think you are. I believe that you’ll keep us safe. Can I ask you something? Did you love Mommy? I know she loves you. She was talking to Trick about it. She said she never got to tell you. I just wondered if you loved her too.

“I think that she cared about you more than anyone really thought. Daddy didn’t like it, but he was just scared that she loved you more than him. I don’t really know if that’s true. But, I do know that I love you a lot and I will miss you so very much. You have been one of my favorite people ever. I always liked being with you because you were always so calm and patient with me while sometimes the others weren’t. Billie Joe said that you will always be able to listen to me, even if I can’t listen to you. Is that true? Well, I just wanted to say goodbye one more time. I just hope that Mommy gets better, because it hurts me to see her so sad. Can’t you help her at all? You always made her smile. Work your magic just once more. I am asking you from the bottom of my heart…” She spun around and saw me as the floor creaked. She sighed and turned back to him.

“Okay, well, I love you, Uncle Jimmy. Just remember what I said.” She hopped off of the chair and walked over to me. “I just had to talk to him one more time, Trick. Just cuz I know he’s not coming home…”

I wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes and turned onto my side, desperate to get some sleep.

Ashlyn’s POV

I sat on my bed with my arms wrapped around my legs. There was a knock on the door, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. There was a short pause before the door opened anyway. Mikey came inside and sat next to me. He put an arm around my shoulder and one draped over my stomach. He leaned his head against mine and sighed.

“You need to come out of this…”He said quietly. I just shook my head. I couldn’t speak, because if I did, I’d just start crying again. “It’s been two weeks… You rarely leave the room and you don’t eat or drink or even sleep unless you’re forced to. Melody’s worried about you. I’m worried about you. This isn’t healthy.” I looked over at him.

“I’m still alive. I’m healthier than he is…”I said quietly. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. “You don’t understand, Mikey… I never… I just… I never got to tell him… Well, he never found out what exactly you and I were fighting about…”

“I don’t understand? Did you completely forget about the fact that my fiancé died? Explain to me how I don’t understand… I never got to tell her that I was sorry for all of the things that were said right before she left. Look, I know that you were in love with him. I think everyone knows… But, that’s not going to bring him back. Sometimes, these things just happen, Ashlyn.” I felt the tears rise. I wrapped my arms around him.

“I’m so sorry. I know you must think that I am a total bitch. I just… I don’t know…”I sniffed. He lifted my chin with his hand.

“I don’t think that at all. I know that you’re hurt. I really do, and you may think I’m a heartless prick, but you have no idea how bad I feel for treating him like I did. When Gerard told me what happened, I wanted to be nowhere else but next to you and Melody, holding you, telling you that things would be okay. I felt like shit because I couldn’t. Patrick told me that Mel snuck off during the funeral to go and see him, and he followed her. You wanna know what she said?”

“Yeah, ”I said quietly.

“She was talking to him, and she said, “Well, I just wanted to say goodbye one more time. I just hope that Mommy gets better, because it hurts me to see her so sad. Can’t you help her at all? You always made her smile. Work your magic just once more. I am asking you from the bottom of my heart…” She is worried about you, ”he said quietly, his voice cracking as he tried not to cry. I bit my lip and nodded.

“I know. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore… I can’t help it. I just… Everything makes me think of him and I miss him and I can’t get him out of my head. I know, as my husband, you don’t want to hear that… But I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t live anymore. I don’t know. It’s a scary feeling, because I want to die and the only thing that’s stopped me from doing anything about is the thought that Mel would have to go through the shit that I’ve gone through.” I took shaky breaths as my body shook from the sobs. He looked hurt.

“Only Mel has stopped you? What about me, Ashlyn? What about everyone else? We love you so much. You are everything to us. You are everything to me. I can’t live without you, and I won’t. Ashlyn, I love you.” I nodded, and took a deep breath. He just held me and we sat in silence for several minutes.

“Mikey?” I said finally.

“Yeah?”

“How did you do it? Start getting better, I mean. I want to start getting better. I don’t want Melody to see me like this. I don’t want you to have to see me like this. I just… I don’t know how…”I said quietly.

“Well, I wrote letters to her. I had this journal that I wrote to her in. I just believed that she got them, and eventually, I had this dream that she told me things were going to get better. I told you about that. I still write to her, sometimes. If something comes up that I feel I need to talk to someone about. I just write to her. It helped me a lot. Maybe you should try it, ”he said, rubbing my back. I nodded slowly.

“I might just do that.”