All Those Things I Still Remember

I stared disbelievingly at Matt. He just looked nervously at the ground. After several seconds, Gerard decided to speak up.

“So, you’re saying that he overdosed?” Gerard clarified. Matt just nodded. I looked at him, and I could tell there was something more that he wanted to say. I gave Matt a hard stare.

“What else?” I pressed. He bit his lip and averted his gaze from my eyes. “Matt, tell me now.”

“Well… People are starting to say that it was planned…”He said quietly. This was like a dagger to the heart. My eyes widened in disbelief.

“What, like, suicide?” I choked out. He nodded uncertainly. “Matt, you don’t believe that shit, right?” He looked down and I felt my heart pound. “Oh my fucking god… You guys think he killed himself… I knew him better than that. He wasn’t that kind of person.”

“Well, apparently, neither was Kurt Cobain…”Gerard said quietly. I turned to glare at him.

“Look, if you really think about it, it makes sense…”Matt jumped in front of the bus to save Gerard. “You’ve heard the song he last wrote… You know how weird that was… If it wasn’t suicide, then he just knew…”

“He wasn’t like that. He would’ve told me…”I shook my head in disbelief. They both looked at me and Gerard put his arm around my waist. A spark shot up my spine. I looked at him and then, I looked away nervously. Matt just shook his head.

“I don’t know. That’s just what everyone is saying.”

“Well, everyone can go eat shit and die, ”I muttered. Gerard laughed to himself, but Matt just looked down. He sighed.

“Well, I have to go. I just came to tell you what I found out, ”he said quietly. I nodded. He just ducked out of the room without another word. I looked at Gerard and he just wrapped me in his arms. I sniffed quietly as the tears threatened to spill. He rubbed my back and I just remained in his arms.

“It’s been a really long time since I’ve held you like this…”He said suddenly. I looked up at him and he was watching me intently. I nodded and rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes. Memories came back in tidal waves. From the day I first met him in class to the day we started dating.

“Yeah, except now it’s not so illegal, ”I laughed quietly. He chuckled quietly. “I’m sorry about everything…”I pulled away and looked up at him. “I mean, you could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble…”He sighed and nodded.

“You say this almost seven years later?” He laughed quietly. “And, for what it’s worth, you’re worth anything that might’ve happened. Those four months or so were the best of my life… And I can say the same even today…”

“I’m not worth ruining eleven years of marriage, losing your job, or getting arrested…”I disagreed. He sighed and cupped my face in his hands.

“You are impossible, even today, ”he laughed. I felt my face burn. “You are worth anything. Don’t tell yourself otherwise. Besides, had you never been with me, none of this would have happened. I mean think about it. If you hadn’t met me, then you may not have met Mikes. You definitely wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. You wouldn’t have gotten in that fight with him about me, you know? The one that caused you to leave the first time? You wouldn’t have met Frank, and in not meeting Frank, you wouldn’t have met the Academy of the Avenged Green Boys’ Panic. If you never met them, I would never have been inspired enough to quit teaching and become a singer, so My Chemical Romance would have never formed. So, I’d say that all of that was worth it. Wouldn’t you?” I nodded slightly, knowing that he was right. He put his hands on my hips and I felt the butterflies flutter wildly in my chest. “Besides, like I said, you were worth it to me.”

“I’m just a girl. I’m really not worth it, ”I said quietly. He sighed and rested his forehead against mine. His eyes burned into my own.

“You’re still worth it, ”he muttered quietly. He leaned down as if to kiss me, but a cough sounded from the door, causing us both to look over. Frank, Mikey, Bill, and Pete all stood in the doorway.

“Ashlyn, what the hell?” Mikey asked quietly. Pete and Frank just backed out of door slowly. Bill stood behind Mikey, trying to assess the situation. I sighed and looked at Gerard.

“Every single time, ”he muttered. I just shook my head and walked over to Mikey.

“Look, nothing happened, ”I said to clarify his thoughts. He just narrowed his eyes. “I’m serious, Mikey. Nothing happened. I know that it looks really suspicious, but nothing happened.”

“Doesn’t mean you didn’t want it to, ”he hissed. I hung my head in defeat.

“I don’t even know what to do anymore, Mikey. You don’t trust me. How Gerard and Lindsey have made it through seventeen years will always amaze me. This is a mess, Mikey. I don’t even know… I don’t even know how to deal with this…”I sighed.

“Gerard, you should come with me, ”Bill suggested calmly. Gerard stepped around Mikey and followed Bill out, who shut the door behind him. Mikey looked into my eyes and I sighed.

“It’s only been about six years, and you can’t trust me. On top of that, you’re never home. But, I still trust you, don’t I? I mean, you put me on this pedestal that I’m supposed to live up to. You keep thinking that I’m Jenny, but I’m not, ”I muttered to myself. He clenched his jaw and I closed my eyes, preparing for the worst.

“I’m sorry that you feel that way, ”he said coldly.