All Those Things I Still Remember

I lay in bed, listening to Seize The Day repeatedly. I was running on coffee and energy drinks. I couldn’t sleep, because every time that I did, I saw the same images over and over. I saw his lifeless body. I saw the look on Mel’s face when she realized he was dead. I saw the lights and the stretcher. I saw the tear that fell from the EMT’s eye. I couldn’t bring myself to believe he was gone. According to Patrick, the autopsy was inconclusive… I didn’t know what happened, but all I knew was that he was gone and I was more alone that I have ever been before.

I was so out of it that I never heard the door open. I felt the bed sink in as someone crawled onto it. I felt little arms wrap themselves around me, and I smiled faintly.

“Mommy, Billie says it’s time to go…”She said in a small voice. I sat up and nodded. I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and took a shaky breath. She hugged me tightly. “It will be okay, won’t it, Mommy?” I closed my eyes and sighed. I wanted to tell her that it would be okay, but I couldn’t. “Well, I will go put my shoes on. Please get ready to go. Billie says we can’t be late…”I nodded and wiped away a tear as she hopped off of the bed. She pattered out of the room and I rose from the bed. I went to the mirror and looked at my reflection. I looked like shit. I hadn’t washed my face and I had mascara stains down my face. I leaned down and washed my face before applying a fresh coat of makeup. There was a knock on the door and I opened it. Billie Joe stood in front of me.

“Hey, are you ready?” He asked softly. I just nodded. In truth, I wasn’t ready at all for what I was about to go through. I hadn’t ever handled funerals well. He took my hand and I felt the tears rise. I followed him out to the living room where Patrick and William waited patiently. Patrick took Melody and I ended up riding with William. I played Seize The Day and I knew that he must’ve thought I was crazy. When the song ended, instead of pushing the back button, I turned the radio down.

“I feel so empty, Bill, ”I said quietly. He looked at me and waited for me to continue. “I mean, I never really told him that I was in love with him too. I told Mikey… But, I never told him. And now, I never can… There’s a reason people say that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” He just nodded.

“Well, I’m sure he knows… I mean, I know how you feel, but I’m sure that he knows you love him. We’re all going to miss him, but you know him. He wouldn’t want us to be so sad…”He offered quietly. I nodded, knowing full and well that he was right.

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here. Please tell me what we have is real. So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again? So I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see. I beg don't leave me.

Those lyrics played in my head repeatedly as we drove in silence. When we arrived, I clung nervously to William until I saw Matt. I ran over and hugged him tightly.

“Hey, Shay, ”he said with a cracking voice. “How are you?”

“Numb, ”I replied honestly. “I haven’t had sleep in about three days.”

“Well, you look like it, ”Zacky said, walking over to me. I nodded.

“I feel like it, ”I muttered. I hugged him tightly and I went around from person to person. It was funny how everyone treated me like the widow. The same conversational questions were said at each group: “How are you?”, “Have you been getting any sleep?”, “How’s Mel?”, and “Are you okay?”. I eventually couldn’t take any more sympathy and I retreated to the sanctuary where he lay. No one else was in there, but I felt as though someone was watching me. I felt a weird pull towards the casket, and I followed it. I approached it with a heavy heart and I felt the tears spill from my eyes.

“So what if I never hold you, or kiss your lips again? So, I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see. I beg don't leave me, ”I cried to him. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, Jimmy.” I touched his cold hand and my heart cracked. “You’re never coming home… You know, I just wish I could’ve told you the truth. I love you… And, that’s what happened with me and Mikey. I told him that I was in love with you. He hates me now, but I don’t care. I can’t feel anything anymore. I just… I can’t sleep, but I don’t want to stay awake… Life is a nightmare, and my nightmares are my life… This is the last time that I’ll see you, and it’s killing me inside. I love you, James Sullivan. You held me together and now, I have to be strong, and I have to keep on living without you. I don’t know how it’ll be done… But I can hope that you’ll help me however you can… Right? You will, won’t you?” I heard someone come up behind me.

“Shay, ”he said softly. I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. I turned to face him. “I am so sorry, about everything. I don’t want to fight with you anymore… I love you… I don’t know what I’d do without you…”I completely fell apart and collapsed in his arms.

“I love you, Mikey…”I cried. He held me, and he held me through the ceremony. I didn’t cry anymore until Zacky walked up to the front of the sanctuary.

“I have something I wrote…”He said quietly. “Dear God, I pray James “The Rev” Sullivan is in a little piece of heaven in the afterlife making the angels scream. He seized the day in bat country then burned it down, his unholy confessions trashed and scattered. We gave him the strength of the world and he gave a us a second heartbeat. He is MIA, but will walk on through thick and thin to the wicked end. May you be in eternal rest. We’ll miss you foREVer, Jimmy…”At that point, I couldn’t hold in anymore tears and I began to cry. Mikey held onto me and several of the guys patted my back to let me know that they were there.”

“I won’t miss you forever, ”I muttered. “Forever isn’t long enough.”