Who Knew.
Pick Me Up Now....
“I was mad at myself for the longest time; how did I miss your unhappiness that hid behind your eyes? How could I not see that you wanted to die when you had your whole life ahead of you? Then I realized that you were always a bit selfish, you weren’t the best of friend to me; but you were there when I did need you—a few times. I was overcome with a huge sense of dread, that something was terribly wrong and when I found you that night; I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to yell at you, scream at you; but I loved you too much and I was selfish enough—just enough—to keep you here.”
I began to fidget with my hands again—not daring to look him in the eye as I spoke.
“I was the one to call the ambulance for you; I couldn’t tell your brother or your mother that it was me who saved your life that night. I was there, at your house a few times you had called home—the night Mikey yelled at you—I was there. What I felt for you that summer I’ve never felt for anyone before; you weren’t my first ‘summer love’ but you were my first real love. I felt so helpless, so worthless even, I wasn’t enough to keep you here—you still wanted to leave. If I let you have what you wanted you wouldn’t be here right now, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I can’t even begin to explain to you how I felt as I hid in the crowd that watched you as you were loaded into the back of the ambulance; or how I felt every time someone told me you really were going to kill yourself—I’ve punched so many people for telling me you weren’t going to be here anymore.”
My chest tightened as my emotions were taking the best of me and throwing them into every tear that raced down my cheeks.
“I, I held on to you for the longest time; still loving you, still calling you my boyfriend. One day I woke up though, I realized I was holding on to someone I wasn’t sure I even knew anymore. I don’t know you anymore, I don’t know the man sitting next to me, all I know is that your name’s Gerard Way, your Mikey’s older brother. I know your past, I don’t know what all happened the past three years—all I do know is that you still love me and you don’t know me either, but I’d like to get to know the person you are now, and maybe, just maybe, fall for him, love him the way I still love the old you.”
I quickly got out of the car, not giving him a chance to say anything in return. I made my way inside, wiping my eyes as I went; sat down next to Mikey who pulled me to him. I put my head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck as he rubbed my back. We shared his ice cream as the guys continued their small talk from before; incorporating Gerard when he finally came in. Mikey moved and kissed my forehead, such an intimate action between two friends—that’s his way of letting me know he’s still there.
“Oh, Mikes, before I forget, are Ray and I still coming over tomorrow night for, well you know?”
“Yeah, Frank wants to join in, do you guys mind?”
I watched as they nodded; I was glad someone broke the silence that was permeating into each of our minds. Making me realize more and more how much I actually do hate myself for what I did. I can’t take back my words—I told him I was still in love with him and he’s just as much still in love with me. I haven’t changed much, I’m still the spastic boy he left behind so long ago, I’ve just grown up and I’m broken. The only person who can fix me is glaring at the boy whose shoulder I am currently resting on.
“What do you play Frankie?”
I glanced at Bob and smiled—first time since leaving the fair.
“I play Pansy.”
I began to fidget with my hands again—not daring to look him in the eye as I spoke.
“I was the one to call the ambulance for you; I couldn’t tell your brother or your mother that it was me who saved your life that night. I was there, at your house a few times you had called home—the night Mikey yelled at you—I was there. What I felt for you that summer I’ve never felt for anyone before; you weren’t my first ‘summer love’ but you were my first real love. I felt so helpless, so worthless even, I wasn’t enough to keep you here—you still wanted to leave. If I let you have what you wanted you wouldn’t be here right now, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I can’t even begin to explain to you how I felt as I hid in the crowd that watched you as you were loaded into the back of the ambulance; or how I felt every time someone told me you really were going to kill yourself—I’ve punched so many people for telling me you weren’t going to be here anymore.”
My chest tightened as my emotions were taking the best of me and throwing them into every tear that raced down my cheeks.
“I, I held on to you for the longest time; still loving you, still calling you my boyfriend. One day I woke up though, I realized I was holding on to someone I wasn’t sure I even knew anymore. I don’t know you anymore, I don’t know the man sitting next to me, all I know is that your name’s Gerard Way, your Mikey’s older brother. I know your past, I don’t know what all happened the past three years—all I do know is that you still love me and you don’t know me either, but I’d like to get to know the person you are now, and maybe, just maybe, fall for him, love him the way I still love the old you.”
I quickly got out of the car, not giving him a chance to say anything in return. I made my way inside, wiping my eyes as I went; sat down next to Mikey who pulled me to him. I put my head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck as he rubbed my back. We shared his ice cream as the guys continued their small talk from before; incorporating Gerard when he finally came in. Mikey moved and kissed my forehead, such an intimate action between two friends—that’s his way of letting me know he’s still there.
“Oh, Mikes, before I forget, are Ray and I still coming over tomorrow night for, well you know?”
“Yeah, Frank wants to join in, do you guys mind?”
I watched as they nodded; I was glad someone broke the silence that was permeating into each of our minds. Making me realize more and more how much I actually do hate myself for what I did. I can’t take back my words—I told him I was still in love with him and he’s just as much still in love with me. I haven’t changed much, I’m still the spastic boy he left behind so long ago, I’ve just grown up and I’m broken. The only person who can fix me is glaring at the boy whose shoulder I am currently resting on.
“What do you play Frankie?”
I glanced at Bob and smiled—first time since leaving the fair.
“I play Pansy.”
♠ ♠ ♠
sorry for the shortness