An Array of Colors

I was so psyched about that English project with Silver. Pssh. As if. I think I was just as excited as he was.

I doodled thick angry strokes into my math notebook. Once again not paying attention to the boring as hell subject. Variables just didn’t appeal to me, and I thought this was supposed to be trigonometry. Key word: not algebra. But of course it was the same thing just in triangle form. Oh joy.

I heard a snap and felt a pinch. Glancing at my hand I saw my pencil snapped in two. Great. My only pencil… and I was going to stay and draw in the art room after school today. I guess that’s not happening. I could always ask Mr. White to borrow a pencil, but he hates when we borrow something so simple.

But he’d just have to deal, because really, it’s a stupid pencil. He can lend one to his best student ever. I actually believed I would be his best student before Sliver came in, but now I’m not so sure. How could my lifeless painting add up to his insightful drawing? It couldn’t. And that’s why I was upset.

I’d believed I was worth something at least in my art before that gorgeous boy waltzed in and showed me how much better he is. And the worst thing is that he doesn’t even know it. He’s sweet enough to think that I’m better. But I know it’s just a delusion.

Now I get to do that interesting English project with him. Hooray! Not. He’s going to see how messed up I really am once we do this. I tried to lie to myself and say that there’s nothing wrong with me, but there obviously is. Just Silver standing in the same room makes my self-esteem take a hit, and I know I’m not a too bad-looking guy.

But Silver looks like a god. Or at least what people seem to think gods should look like. I looked back at the black rose etched into my paper from the beginning of class. Beautiful but dark. Untrustworthy, because while a rose by any other color may smell just as sweet it’s still not the same, and how can you really say it’s a rose?

I don’t want people to see that I can be weak, and this project will definitely do that. I can’t reveal my internal struggles to my own parents, even if they aren’t exactly there to show them to. Why should I be able to open up to a bunch of narrow-minded teenagers? It just doesn’t make sense. And I especially don’t want to tell Silver, who I don’t even know. The only problems he seems to be having are his sexuality issues, and while I bet we could do our English story on that I doubt he’d want to send people that message after denying it and making up a pretty unconvincing lie.

“Hey, have you been avoiding me?”

I turned to see Silver standing there with a notebook in hand.

“No, why in the world would you think that?”

I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but I just thought it was a stupid question. I had felt a strong urge to say, ‘Of course I haven’t been avoiding you. I just ignore you in art and English and 'don’t see you' when we pass in the hallways, but of course I haven’t been avoiding you! Silly you!’

So my response had been a good one.

“Look, dude. I don’t care if you don’t like me, but we need to get our assignment done. I was thinking we could just make up some BS and see if she’ll buy it because I don’t know you enough to get all personal.”

“Yeah, I get it. When do you want to do it?”

“Maybe today after school? I know you’re heading to the art room and I was going to as well. After that you could come over to my place and we could just get started and lay down some ideas.”

I nodded, avoiding eye contact.

At least he wanted to do it. And I didn’t have to confess my life story…it was beneficial for both of us. And I was kind of looking forward to spending some time with Silver. He might decide he could trust me and come out to me at least. Then I wouldn’t be alone. I guess I still technically would be, but I wouldn’t feel alone.

“Alright. Well, I’ll see you after school Cobalt.”

“See ya.”

“Who was that piece of meat?” Amber asked, sneaking up behind me.

“Yeah, he looked yummy,” her twin sidled onto my other side.

Well, Iris wasn’t her twin, but they sure acted like they were sometimes.

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard of him yet.”

“Oh we have, we share three classes with him! But it looks like someone has a mancrush on him! So tell us, have you done anything yet?”

“Iris, I’ve told you many times that even if I did want a relationship it wouldn’t be a physical one. And no, he’s not gay. At least…that’s what he says.”

Amber scoffed and ruffled my hair.

“Don’t get your hopes down sweetie, he is most obviously gay.”

I smiled weakly at her failed attempt to cheer me.

“That’s what I thought, but I don’t know. He seems like quite the catch. I bet he had a girlfriend at his old home…”

“Then why doesn’t he have one now? I bet he could’ve gotten one on the first day if he wanted to.”

“Well, first, he just got here and maybe he’s not a player. And second, he could be trying long-distance.”

Iris and Amber just exchanged knowing glances and gave me a hug, both at the same time. Sometimes I think that if one of them was a guy they’d be perfect for each other, because they are definitely connected but also undeniably straight.

“Well, we have to take off. I’m going to Amber’s house now and I bet you want to get to the art room to play with your little boy toy.”

“Iris!”

They just giggled and walked away.

As I watched Iris’s beautiful long blond hair swing down her back I realized I should do a portrait of her. Maybe with Amber. They would be great subjects, and they wouldn’t be uncomfortable with me painting them as long as they could talk. Because god knows those girls can’t go ten minutes without talking and I wouldn’t be paying attention. So I’d have to do it with both of them. But I think that would be nice. They contrast so beautifully. Another reason that if they were lesbian/one was a boy they’d be perfect for each other.

But for now I’d just have to go to the art room and then go home with Silver. I was curious as to what it would be like. And I wished I could play with my ‘boy toy.’ Maybe I was getting my hopes up for nothing or maybe Iris’s encouragement wasn’t in vain. I’d just have to find out over time.