You Drain The Life From Me.

"Could you grab that box right there? Thanks, Patty."

I was actually moving out. I was going to live in apartment with Stephen. We had been together for, what, two months now? I was still trying to wrap my head around that fact. The boys were helping me move all my stuff to the new apartment, since they had a trailer and a van and all. Stephen had offered for his bandmates to do it, since they too had a trailer and van, and I told him that I wanted my boys to do it because they were closer to my house anyway.

But really, it was because I had wanted to see Garrett. Ever since he had found out that I was going through with my decision to move out, he had been avoiding me, even though we had agreed to try and become best friends once more. For a while, it worked, and we hung out with each other frequently. But when word got around that I would now officially be living with my boyfriend, he flipped. I asked the boys to come so I could see him and only him, but just as I feared, he bailed.

"I called him and he's not answering. That's the fifth time now," Jared told me. I sighed. My own best friend wasn't going to be here to see me off?

"How could he do that?" I mumbled to myself.

"It's okay, Leigh. You know Garrett. He's probably still sleeping," Kennedy reassured me to try to calm me down.

"He already knows that I'm nervous about moving out, I've told him a million times. But he doesn't even have the decency to help me pack all my stuff and load it into the trailer?!" I was pissed, and the boys knew it.

It was a good thing Stephen wasn't here. No, he was with his friends Jess, Brian, Josh and his brother John. We often laughed at the fact that we both had brothers named John, but that thought wasn't amusing me at all at this moment.

I grabbed my phone out of my front pocket and dialed his number.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

"Hello?" a groggy voice answered.

The boys asked me to put it on speaker, most likely so they could yell at him too. They found it unfair that they had to load up heavy boxes and shit while Garrett got to stay home and sleep.

"Garrett Daniel fucktard Nickelsen! Where are you?!" My hand went to my hip and I paced back and forth on my front lawn.

"Why are you yelling?! We weren't supposed to meet up today, were we? And can you tell Jared to stop calling me? I'm trying to sleep!"

"I don't know, Garrett. Were we supposed to meet up today? I think we were, maybe because today is the day that I move out of my fucking house?"

"And what makes you think I want to be around to see that?"

His words probably shouldn't have hurt me as bad as they did. A collective gasp sounded and they stared at me, shocked.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Okay, you know what? I'm coming. Because princess Leigh always has to have what she wants. She always has to have it her way, because if Leigh's not happy, no one is! Things can only go the way Princess Leigh O'Callaghan wants them to! Whether it's because she's the only girl, or because she's John's sister, or because she's fucking pregnant! There's always a reason for why Leigh should always get whatever the fuck she wants!"

I was so close to crying. Why was he saying all of those things? He hung up, and I stared at my phone as if that could explain his actions or stop me from crying. But what did stop me was John's arms wrapping around me and his whispers in my ear. "It's okay, baby, it's okay. Baby sister, it's going to be alright. You know how Garrett gets when he first wakes up. Come on. Hush, baby. Stop crying."

But I didn't believe a word. I broke out of his grasp. "No, it's not okay! He meant every word he said! He meant them and they're true!"

"I'm sure he didn-" Jared started to say, but I cut him off.

"Do any of you know why he was saying those things? I know that he must have talked to at least one of you."

All of the boys looked completely dumbfounded. All of them except one.

"Pat?" I asked in a softer voice.

"W-well, he's been avoiding you because he doesn't want you to move in with Stephen. I know he said he was okay with it, but he wants you to stay here where he can visit you any time he wants. He doesn't want you to move in with Stephen because he wants to be able to visit you without having to be with Stephen too. He doesn't like Stephen because he took you away from him. He doesn't like Stephen because every minute that you're with him, it reminds Garrett of how much he fucked up. He said those things because...well, he's starting to believe it. He thinks that it's not fair how you always get everything you want. He feels like you don't think about how others feel, and you only think about yourself. Like how you didn't think about him when you chose to stay with Stephen. You didn't think about leaving him alone. He said those things when he was angry, but when he calmed down, he told me that he didn't mean any of it and that he would be willing to give you anything if you asked for it, because he loved you so much and he believes you deserve to be happy. He'd be willing to give you the world if you wanted it."

I always knew Garrett and I were both extremely selfish, and sometimes that was the reason we would fight over the last piece of pizza or the Ryan Adams tank top that we shared. But this was something bigger. And I knew he was right. I didn't think about anyone but myself when I made decisions. I didn't think about how it would affect my parents, or my brothers, or my best friends. Things were changing, and that started when I brought Stephen to the show that one Saturday when I lost my virginity.

Garrett always said how much he regretted fucking up, but the truth was, I had fucked up too. He wasn't the only one at fault. If I had tried to understand Garrett, if I had tried to stick with him, if I hadn't run away, we could've been together right now. We could have been in his bed, listening to Love Is Hell and Orion and Cold Roses and Gold and Heartbreaker and Rock N Roll and III/IV and every other Ryan Adams CD he owned, along with every Wilco CD and every Third Eye Blind CD. We could have been fighting zombies and battling each other with lightsabers and sleeping in each other's arms and sharing each other's clothes and kissing and cuddling and talking about stupid shit like we used to.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you guys," I finally spoke. And then John sighed. Jared uncrossed his arms, Kennedy visibly relaxed, and Pat engulfed me in a hug. They knew. They understood. They were my best friends. I didn't expect them to know, but they did. I didn't want them to ask, and they didn't. "I fucked up. I'll talk to Garrett when he gets here. Thanks for loading up all the stuff."

They all took turns hugging me when Pat let go.

"Hey uh," John said at the sight of Garrett's yellow car, "I think my mom made us lunch. We should probably get inside." The boys got the message and followed John inside, knowing fully well that Garrett and I would need time alone.

Garrett got out of the car looking disheveled and tired. He also looked quite angry.

"What the fuck was all that on the phone, Nickelsen?" I spat at him once he was close enough to hear.

"The truth. My thoughts."

I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms.

"We-were you crying?"

"Yeah, thanks to you."

"Look, I'm really sorry for making you cry, but I meant what I said, okay? You always get what you want and I'm fucking sick of it."

"Weren't you the one who told me to move in with Stephen in the first place?!"

"I was telling you what you wanted! Do you not understand that?! I told you that, because I could see that you didn't want to move in with him, but it was what you felt like you should do, and I knew that you were waiting for approval. So I gave it to you! Everything I've done, I've done for you. I broke up with Rachael for you, I've told everyone that the baby is Stephen's for you, I've been nice to Stephen for you, I've done so much shit for you! And you don't even say thank you! You just run off with Stephen to have a baby that's probably not even his and get married and have nice little lives! And I'll just be sitting here, thinking about how that could've been my life! That could've been me slipping a ring on your finger and calling you my wife and me watching our kid grow up! It could have been me picking out our first house, our first dog, our first refrigerator, for fuck's sake! I will always be thinking about how that could have been me. And that makes me miserable and angry. Angry at you for not picking me. But then I'll always know that it's not actually you that I'm angry at, it's me! I'll always think about how I'm the one who cheated on you."

"You're not the only one who's fucked up, Garrett! I fucked up too. I ran away. I gave up. I know you cheated on me, and that hurt, but I didn't even stick around. We could've worked through that, but instead, I gave up on us and found someone else. I'm sorry, Garrett. I'm sorry that I was a coward and a dumbass. I'm not happy anymore! I'm confused. I'm always tired. I'm lost. I don't want to deal with this anymore, but I have to! I miss you. And no matter how good Stephen is for me, I'll always want you," I admitted, "It'll always be you."

And I almost kissed him. And he almost let me. But he and I both knew it was wrong. Cheating was the one thing that had got us into this complicated mess in the first place.

"I want you to break up with him."

"I know."

"But I know it won't happen."

"I know."

"I'm sorry for saying all those things, Leigh."

"I'm sorry for running away."

"I'm sorry for everything."

He kissed me, but on the forehead. My lips stayed untouched by him and it hurt. It hurt in the way that I wanted to kiss him so bad but I knew I couldn't. His lips were different from Stephen's. His lips were familiar. Garrett himself was familiar. Garrett was like home. Because as he always said to me, home isn't a place, it's a group of people. And I was starting to understand what he meant.

"Let's uh, let's go get some lunch."

"Y-yeah, we should do that," he replied.

Once we entered the house, all the boys scampered away from the window where they were obviously watching our argument take place.

"Eavesdroppers," I muttered.

"How much of that did you actually hear?" Garrett asked, running his hand through his hair and sighing.

"Everything," Pat squeaked.

"Great..."

As a peace offering, Kennedy handed us both a plate of mac and cheese.

"It doesn't count if my mom made it."

"But still! It's warm and cheesy! It proves how much we love you, you know, because we, uh..."

"Because we didn't take advantage of the chance to eat it all!" Jared finished for Kennedy.

I laughed. "God, you have no idea how much I'm going to miss this when I'm gone."

And instantly, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. Every body in the room stiffened, and I knew right then that they didn't want to me to move either. They wanted me to stay, but they weren't as open about their opinions as Garrett was.

"You know, Stephen's probably going to be throwing some housewarming party, and I really want you guys to come. It wouldn't be right to not have my boys there."

"Of course we'll come, Leigh," assured John.

"And even if we aren't invited, we'll gladly crash the party," Jared added, knowing how nervous I got at parties without them.

"Thanks, guys. I love you, and I always will, no matter where I am," I said, and I voiced my thoughts from earlier. "You'll always be home to me."