Beautifully Broken

You.

It's all about you.

I hate you, Wesley.

I never thought I would ever say that about you, but I'm saying it now.

Right now, I can't help but hear It's All Your Fault by Pink run through my head.

When I see you standing there, talking to this cashier at the mall because she just so happens to go to our school, and you smile big and let the lights cast a glow on your face, and she flips her hair and tries to seduce you but you seem totally oblivious to that fact,

I want to kick you in the face.

But that would be stupid, only drawing attention to myself, plus she might try to fight me back or security might kick me out. So instead I stand here next to the fountain and wait for you to stop being so goddamn attractive.

You both laugh, and then you look my way.
You tilt your head with a confused smile and wave me to come over.
I stand still.
Now you frown.
You wave again.
I shake my head.
You roll your eyes and hold up a 'one minute' finger to the girl, then run over to me.
You don't even bother asking why I was standing here trying to set you both on fire with my eyes. You just drag me over to her.
You introduce us. She's friendly-ish. I don't think she wants to be nice. She probably thinks I'm your girlfriend or something.
She asks if you and I are cousins.
You laugh and say no, just friends.
My heart breaks.
You don't notice.
She smiles and leans closer to you.
You start talking about school and how we should all hang out.
I think you want me to have more friends, but I'm pretty sure that me and her are not going to work out.
I smile politely and walk over to a clothing rack, even though this store doesn't have a single thing that I would ever wear.
You go back to talking with her.

I hate you.

Why did you even bring me to the mall anyway? You act like I didn't hit my head and wind up in the hospital, and you even act like we never kissed.I'm starting to think that it was just an inconvenient accident that you want to completely forget. I want to talk to you about it, but I can't because I'm just too freaking scared. I have never been nervous around you until now. And until now, I don't even think I saw you as more than my best friend. Now I'm confused.

I look back at you. You haven't even noticed that I'm not standing there anymore. That's it - I'm leaving.

The mall is not my natural habitat. I can't find stores I would be caught dead in, the lighting is hurting my eyes and giving me a headache, and there are too many people here. A bunch of little kids swarm around my feet before running off away from their frantic parents. One parent mutters an apology at me then runs off. I look into a store that's full of beautiful girls from my school. Now I imagine I'm in Pink's F**kin Perfect music video, where I'm the girl who sees them looking happy and pretty and I want so badly to be like them.

I ignore the fact that I'm probably committing suicide by walking into this store. I bite my lip and walk to a rack of shirts. A couple of the girls look up at me, and one of them scoffs loudly. I try to ignore them. I know I don't belong in here. Now my only reason for staying here is to piss them off.

One girl bounds over to me, her blonde hair and better-than-average breasts bouncing slightly. I fight the urge to roll my eyes as she smiles at me.

"Are you lost?" she tries to say with a straight face.
"No." I say and look back at the rack.
"Well, I don't really think you would shop in this type of store. It's not really your style."
"Yeah."
"Well then, don't you think you should leave?" she says with a hint of bitchiness in her voice.
"Maybe I want to buy something. Maybe I'm tired of my old style. Maybe I want to look different for once. Is that so wrong of me? I didn't think so. Back off, blondie." I bark and stomp away from that rack to another.
I can feel her and her friends' eyes on me. Another girl, a brunette, comes over to me. Her smile seems more sincere.
"Do you really want a makeover?" she asks me.

I stare at her. I hadn't really meant it seriously. But maybe I should get a makeover. I'll probably still look ugly, but it's worth a try.

I nod, and she grabs my hand to pull me to the center of her friends' circle. They started poking and prodding at me and scrutinizing my outfit - I had never felt more uncomfortable. This was a bad idea.

The blonde pointed at three girls and sent them around the store to pick out clothes for me. The brunette started fixing my hair while another one rifled through her purse and pulled out make-up.

Oh yeah. BAD IDEA.

The blonde was like the military commander. She told everyone what to do and had no problem yelling at them if they were wrong. I looked over at the store clerk for help, but she just laughed and went back to reading a magazine. Bitch.

My eyes darted around the store as the girls given the task of shopping held up cloth after piece of cloth which got increasingly smaller: tank tops, tube tops, half-tanks - I thought one was just a bra! One of the girls came over and held up a short one-shoulder top. The head blonde shook her head no, and I let out a sigh of relief.

Brushes and make-up pencils attacked my face while a comb and brush were tackling my hair. Then they stopped abruptly so the head blonde could shove like ten pairs of pants and a mess of shirts at me, then push me to the dressing room. I sighed but started trying on the clothes - I got myself into this mess. They told me to come out and show them every outfit, so I did. There was a lot of head shaking, only a few nods. But when it came to these outfits, they all agreed on it., and I have to admit that I actually liked a few of their choices even though I'm not sure if they look good on me. Every time they put me in front of the mirror, I just stared. I looked so different, but I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

When they were satisfied with their work, they paid for my clothes (which surprised the hell out of me - I guess popular and rich just go hand in hand) and sent me on my way. I'm pretty sure that they enjoyed turning me into their own Barbie doll, but I don't know if that will change how they treat me at school.

I left the store wearing the first outfit that they liked: the champagne top with neck ribbon, aaiko skirt (printed ruffled skirt), and white flower flip-flops. My reflection in the store windows was so foreign to me now - make-up that highlighted my facial features and hair that was pulled back in a high ponytail. I thought that my reflection was very pretty... when I didn't think it was actually me.

I would rather not spend the rest of the day feeling depressed. So now I'm taking my shopping bags and heading to the food court for Cinnabon. I paid for cinna-sticks and then sat down at an empty table.

I suppose Wesley would have realized that I've left by now, but he'll probably think I went to sit in the car until he came to get me. I surprised myself by not doing that.

I looked around the food court and noticed a few eyes were on me. It felt weird, being stared at as opposed to being ignored. What had those girls done to me? I feel like we switched bodies or something, except I know none of them would ever be like me. I looked down at my table and started singing softly the song that came to mind now - Beautiful by Eminem.

"But you have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at stuff through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful-"

"You have a really great voice."

My eyes darted up to the boy that now stood in front of me. I felt my face heat up. "Sorry." I didn't even know why I was apologizing.
He looked confused but didn't question it. Two other guys came up to him, and I realized that these were the guys who were staring at me before. Now I felt really uncomfortable.
"Can we sit here?" The first boy asked.
"Uh..." was all I said.
They took that as a yes and sat down. I bit my lip. This. Is. Awkward. "I'm gonna tell you right now - I don't talk much."
"Oh. That's okay, we talk too much." He said. His friends laughed and I laughed too.

He asked me questions like what my favorite songs and artists were, and then we all chimed in which bands rocked and sucked. I was getting so into my argument about how bad-ass Breaking Benjamin was that I didn't even notice Wesley walk up.

"Hey Isalie, I was looking for you."
I turned to him. "No you weren't. You were looking at the store clerk." I snapped, suddenly becoming angry all over again.
He looked taken aback. "I was, until I realized you were being too quiet and must have left. I went to see if you were back at the car but you weren't, and you aren't answering your phone."
My phone? Where was that? Crap. I lost it.
"I guess I lost my phone."
He looked mad. "Why did you leave anyway?"
"I didn't fit into your little conversation, and I didn't like anything in that store. You were busy, I was bored, so I left. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is you walked off without telling me. I got worried."
"I'm in a mall. What was gonna happen to me?"
"Anything could have happened."
I stood up. His glare changed to a surprised expression now that he saw what I was wearing.
"What... happened... to your clothes?"
"I made some new friends and they gave me a makeover."
"Friends? Makeover- wait when did this happen?"
"After I left you there. You must have been really engrossed in your conversation to not even notice how long I was gone, you asshole."
"Is he your boyfriend?" The first boy piped in.
"No."
"Then why is he acting so protective?" He asked.
"He's acting like he's your father." The second boy said.
Wesley glared at them. "And who are you exactly?"
The first boy stood up. "I'm Jason. And for the past ten minutes, I've was talking to your friend. If you don't mind, I'd like to keep doing that."
"I do mind."

Oh great. Boys are such idiots.

"Wesley, calm down. I want to keep talking to Jason and his friends."
"I don't care - I'm not leaving you here with this asshole."
"He's not an asshole, he's a nice guy."
"How do you know that - you've only known him for ten minutes!"
"I know that when I was wondering when my best friend was gonna start acting like my best friend, I found a bunch of other people who treated me a lot better than you are." I grabbed my shopping bags and Jason and his friends stood up. "I'm going to go talk with these guys. If my friend Wesley wants to show up any time soon, tell him he can join us." I walked off and left Wesley standing there in a huff. Good.

I felt a little bad about just leaving him there, but he deserves his karma.

After talking with Jason, Kenneth, and Cole for a while, they said they had to go. They asked for my number, and my idiotic self asked why. They laughed. I don't think they've figured out yet that I'm not used to being in this situation. I'm not like those other girls - I won't flip my hair or laugh when nothing is funny or bat my eyes-lashes or whatever it is girls do. I wonder when I'll switch back to my old self.

I gave them my number anyway for my house since I had to find out where I left my cell phone. Kenneth and Cole walked away , but Jason stayed for a second to give me a soft kiss on the cheek, smile at me, then say "Bye, Isalie" in the most seductive voice ever. I felt tingles, but it wasn't as extreme as when Wesley kissed me.

Great, now I'm mad again.

Oh well, I might as well go find him now.

I figured he might be in the car so I went to the parking lot. There he was, sitting in the driver's seat. I knocked on the door and he looked up. I pointed to the trunk and he unlocked it so I could put my shopping bags away. Then I hopped in the passenger seat. He looked sad.

I put my hand on his. "What's wrong? Are you still mad at me?"
He shook his head.
"Okay, then why aren't you happy?"

He turned to look at me, then kissed me. He did it without warning and with force. Before I could even focus on what was happening, he broke away, his hands shaking. My head was spinning and it took me a minute to catch my breath. He focused his gaze on the road and started the car up.

Now I hated him for sure.

"Don't fucking act like that didn't just happen!"
He sighed and looked at me. "I just wanted to kiss you one last time."
"One last time? What are you talking about?"
"I'm not going to kiss you again."
"Why not?"
He laughed at my pout. "Because that would be a very bad idea."
"Why?"
He sighed with a smile. "Because I want to stay friends with you."
"Just friends?"
"Yep."

Now I'm lost.

"But... I thought... nevermind."
"Don't get me wrong, I like you, Isalie. But you are my best friend and I don't want to ruin what we have. Besides, I really don't think either one of us is in the right state for a relationship."
"Yes I am! Who are you to tell me I'm not ready for a relationship?"
"You have family issues and self-esteem issues, and right now I'm really your only friend. You just want someone by your side, not necessarily me. And with me, well you already know I'm having family issues, but there's more that you don't know about me yet. I think leaving things the way they are would be the best thing to do for now." He put his foot on the brake and moved the gear shift from park to drive. "By the way, I really like the new look. You're so much sexier when you're confident."

The only thing I hate more than Wesley right now, is when Wesley pretends that something never happened. Does he expect everything to go back to normal now? Screw that.

"I want to go home."
"Okay."

He took me home. I brought my bags up to my room and put everything away. He didn't have anywhere else to go yet, so he sat down on my couch. Why does he not understand that I don't want to pretend that nothing is gonna happen between us?

And it really bothers me because I didn't even realize that I wanted something to happen between us until he shot me down. Ugh.

I went up to my room and put my new clothes away, then took off my new outfit. I felt weird in it, I missed my old clothes. I put on a pair of gray shorts and a t-shirt and fell onto my bed. I don't know why he's even staying here if I'm just gonna ignore him the whole time. This whole thing is very complicated and it's making my head hurt more than it did when I was in the hospital. I decided to take a nap.

When I woke up, it was quiet in the house. I'm guessing Wesley went home at some point, and my mom had to take my brother to the doctor for some reason. I still can't believe this is how my spring break has been going: I get in a fight with my best friend who I have mixed feelings for, and get a concussion. What the hell?

The house phone started ringing, and I remembered that I still had to find my cell phone. I went downstairs and answered the phone.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Isalie?" A familiar southern accent asked.
"Yes, is this Jesse?"
"Yeah, it's me. How ya doin'?"
"Better. My head doesn't hurt anymore."
"Glad to hear it. You know, I found your phone in my car. You must have dropped it when ya had ya little accidental joyride."
"Oh yeah I was wondering where it was. And I'm sorry I almost wrecked your car."
"Don't even worry about it. I'm much more concerned about your health, darlin'."
I smiled. "Thank you, Jesse."
"If ya want, I can come by and drop it off for you."
"You don't have to go out of your way to do that."
"I don't mind. I wasn't doin' nothin' anyway."
"If you aren't doing anything, do you wanna hang out? I'm bored and I'm not talking to Wesley."
"Oh no, what happened now?"
"No offense Jesse, but your friend is an idiot."
"Well, shoot - I knew that already."
I laughed. "Well you can head over here then." I gave him my address.
"Alright, see ya soon."

We hung up. I stretched and went downstairs to make sure the house wasn't a pigsty. Finding it acceptable, I sat on the couch and started watching some TV movie about a baby-sitter obsessed with the husband, and how she wants the wife out of the picture. I had sat through two murders, already gripping the couch pillows in fear when the doorbell rang. I jumped 50 feet in the air, shrieking in surprise, before realizing it was probably Jesse at the door. I got up and let him in.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Are you okay? I heard a scream."
"Yeah, I was just watching a horror movie."
"Oh," he smiled at me.

He sat on the couch with me and watched the rest of the movie with me. I was still a little freaked out by the movie, but I did feel much safer having Jesse here with me. He's such a sweet guy, despite his appearance. When I first saw him, I was intimidated by him - he was tall and smoked cigarettes, and he seemed so cool. But he was really just a southern sweetheart with some bad habits.

We both decided that we were hungry, so I went to the kitchen and took out a package of Nestle Toll-House Cookies from the fridge and started putting them on a cookie sheet.

He walked in and smiled. "My ma makes the best cakes and cookies. One time I tried to make cookies myself, and I just made a total mess, so my ma let me make a pack of Toll-House cookies, but she gave me a bunch of treats like M&Ms and marshmallows so I could add my own flavor to it. I went crazy with them."
I grinned. "My mom isn't much of a chef. But I can make great cakes if they come from a box."
He scoffed. "Everything tastes better from scratch."
"Well I'm not baking a bunch of cookies from scratch."
"Fine, you make your poor, store-bought cookies, and I'll make mine right from my ma's recipe."
"You do that, then."

I finished putting the cookies on the pan while he rummaged through my kitchen cabinets and refrigerator, pulling out sugar and eggs and chocolate chips and such. I frowned at my cookies now. They would lose this competition, I know it. I popped them in the oven anyway and sat back to watch Jesse work his magic. He didn't spill or drop a single thing as he glided around my kitchen, knowing exactly what he was doing. He had a look of contentment on his face. I bet he really enjoyed this, doing what he's probably seen his mom do a thousand times. I thought about my mom, and how I've grown to dislike her over the years. I can't remember if we were ever close, but I know things weren't as stressful as they are now. Why did things have to change anyway?

The timer beeped. I jumped up and took my cookies out. They did look good, but I still wasn't satisfied with them. I thought deeply, then grinned as the idea popped into my head. Jesse looked at me while I ran to the cabinet. I pulled out a bunch of frosting and a spatula and began decorating my cookies, creating smiley faces of every emotion I could think of: happy, mad, surprised, confused, even emo. I heard him snicker but I ignored him, putting all my attention into my emoti-cookies. When I was done, his cookies were just being pulled out of the oven. We waited for his to cool, then he slid them onto a plate and set the plate next to my cookies.

He picked up my laughing cookie and grinned before taking a bite. He nodded. "These are actually good."
"Did you expect them to be bad" I glared at him.

He said nothing but kept eating his cookie. I bopped him on the head before swiping one of his cookies and taking a bite. My eyes immediately popped open. Chocolatey goodness filled my mouth and made me feel warm all over.

"These cookies are orgasmic." I moaned.
He laughed. "So who do you think won the competition?"
I ignored him and stole the plate of cookies. "Shut up," I said, my mouth full of cookie.

He tried to take the plate back from me but I held the plate away from him. He grabbed at my shirt but I ducked down. He wrapped his arms around my waist. His head rested on my shoulder, and his body pressed against mine. One hand reached up and he took the plate from me. I was getting a warm feeling in my stomach again, and it wasn't from the cookies. His eyes looked down at me from behind his eye-lashes. He bit his lip, his hands not straying from my body, then he looked away. We broke apart and he set the plate back on the table. I shifted my weight onto on leg and looked around, trying to figure out how to get rid of the silence. Out the corner of my eye, I saw someone standing in the doorway.

It was Wesley, and he looked just as surprised as I was.

Awkward...