Glitter in the Snow

I thought that things were going really well with Felix. I mean, we were still going on the occasional date and we were Skyping more nights than not. Every day after school, Felix had somewhere to be, whether it was the school’s math club, rehearsals, or home to watch his little brother. There came a day, though, on which Mr. Wilkins, the math teacher, was ill. The club was canceled for the day. Rather than fessing up to his mother and going home to look after his brother, Felix and I went to a local park to hang out.

“How mad would your mom be if she knew?” I asked.

Felix grinned broadly. “Not very. I think she feels bad about how often I have to stay at home for Jake. She just can’t trust him. I don’t know if I ever explained to you, but-”

I know it was terribly rude of me, but I don’t think that Felix minded. The look on his face while he spoke was so open, so wonderfully happy... well, in that moment a thirteen year old girl would have been less attracted to her cell phone than I was to him. And what was my way of dealing with such dizzying attraction? Why, I kissed him, of course. It was nothing like at the ice skating rink. No, this was the kind of kiss that had you gripping at each other, fingers clutching t-shirts and bodies shifting so that they could press against each other as much as was possible. This was the sort of kiss that was like an explosion, only you weren’t sure whether the force that you were dealing with was you or him or the simple fact that this is something you’ve been craving and now, oh now you’re finally getting it. I wasn’t even sure whether my eyes were open or closed until I realized that I could see his own, fixed on mine with an intensity that I was completely unfamiliar with.

I pulled away. “Sorry, that was rude. What were you saying about your brother?”

I tried to disentangle my arms from him but he tugged me closer again. Felix pecked my lips again. “Nat, if you think that I have any interest in talking about my brother right now, I think it will be a hit to my ego.” I grinned at that and shifted so that I was sitting on his lap like someone might sit side-saddle on a horse. Felix’s hands slid up and down my sides. It was beyond me to suppress the tremor that ran through me.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

I don’t know whether I mentioned it before, but Felix is incredibly expressive. He has a different smile for everything, and while I had never seen the one that he now wore, I knew exactly what it meant. It was like a victorious grin, but softer. His eyes roamed my face, but they never let my own eyes for very long. “I wasn’t sure,” Felix finally said. “I didn’t know whether you really wanted me.”

“What? That’s absurd,” I complained, dipping down and brushing my lips against his cheek. I know this will sound ridiculous or like I’m exaggerating, but I felt like I was radiating happiness. I had never before acted on my impulse like this. I made a note to do it more often. “You’re wonderful.”

Felix’s cheeks heated. “I don’t know how much you know about my past,” he said quietly, “but I’ve only ever been with one girl, and she was using me to get to Maximilian, who was my best friend for a long time. It worked. It made me realize how hard it can be to trust someone, to open yourself up to that kind of hurt. I sound like a girl.”

I managed to hold back a smile. I didn’t like that he had been used, but I liked that he trusted me enough to tell me about it. I did not say to him, you can trust me. When someone has to say that, it’s usually a sign that you can’t. Instead, I kissed his neck and rested my head against his shoulder, enjoying the way that our breaths were matching up, slowing together as we both relaxed into the moment.

***

There is someone that I should probably have told you about sooner. His name is Toby and he’s my ex. I think that I didn’t bring him up because, before the day that I want to tell you about now, he didn’t really have much to do with my life. We were Bio partners, but that was the only thing that we really talked about. There came a lab about nutrition that needed to be done at home, though. We were given our own miniscule vials of indicators, which would show whether a food we chose to test had starch or glucose in it, that sort of thing. Toby’s parents were the sort never to let him have a girl in the house when they weren’t around to watch, especially his ex. So it was that we decided to do our testing at my house. Definitely not a big deal, yeah?

Someone made it into a big deal. I never would have expected this from him, and I think that you will be surprised too. Try not to be too upset with him when I tell you about what Padric did. He was only acting out of his own unhappiness. It was wrong, but... Well, Felix didn’t handle the situation perfectly either. None of us did.

This is how it happened. Toby and I were scheduled to meet up after school on a Tuesday. That happened to be the day that I usually spent with Felix because he was involved with a play at the community center and this was a day that he usually didn’t have to go in to rehearse. I told Felix that I couldn’t hang out until later that evening and though he was mildly disappointed, I knew that he wasn’t very upset by it. These things happened. We were in our senior year of high school, of course we were going to be a little busy now and again.

That should really have been the end of it, but then after I had mentioned the project to Padric because I was talking about the foods that we were considering testing (spray cheese and danishes, if you were curious. Not together. Definitely, definitely not together). Next thing I knew, it was Tuesday at four thirty, half an hour after Toby got to my house, and Felix was knocking on my front door.

Toby and I were, by this point, almost done with our experiment. We were just waiting for our Benedict solution-laced spray cheese to heat up to the proper temperature. The water was already getting those itty little bubbles at the bottom of the pan that at once taunt you and tell you that the water will be boiling soon. I left Toby in the kitchen with a quick apology and opened the door. Felix stepped in, his usual courtesy abandoned.

“Felix, hi. You have excellent tim-” I said, but I cut myself off. Felix was calmly walking to the kitchen. It wasn’t the nice, Zen kind of calm either. No, it was the macho, barely-controlled-temper kind of calm. The kind of calm that they say comes before a storm, though frankly, I never noticed that before. I always thought that storms were super windy beforehand.

This isn’t really the point, is it?

Right, well, Felix walked to the kitchen, poked his head in, and whirled on me. “Really, Natalie?” he asked. His voice was strained underneath the anger. He still looked calm on the surface, though. His hands were resting at his sides and his eyes were focused intently on mine. From the outside, it probably looked like we were having a completely normal conversation.

“What?” I heard the defensiveness in my voice and blamed Felix for it. I couldn’t help it, not when he was invading my space and filling his words with accusation.

Now Felix drew in a quick breath. “At least have the decency to be honest with me. I meant nothing to you, did I?”

Foolishly, I stepped forward and reached for one of his hands. He moved swiftly away. “Felix, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

And then, oh then he glared at me. I didn’t even know how to begin handling that. “I shouldn’t be mad at you, I should be mad at myself. I should have realized that you were just using me to get Toby back again. I should be happy for you, but Natalie, right now, I kind of wish you were hurting.”

“No, Felix, you misunderstand.” Now, that was exactly the wrong thing for me to have said. Looking back, it seems so obvious. Of course I shouldn’t have spoken in a way that put the blame on him- even if he was the wrong one here- since that would only make him more upset.

“I don’t know why I came. When Padric told me that you were with him, I didn’t want to believe it. I’m leaving.” And he did.

I turned around and saw Toby standing in the doorway looking concerned. He reached out and I walked over and hugged him. “I’m sorry,” I said as I failed to hold back tears. “I don’t even know what just happened.”

“Argenti just made a fool of himself, that’s what happened.” Toby’s hands stopped their soothing motion on my back. I think he finally realized how awkward this was for us. It was your first contact since we were dating. I reluctantly pulled away, swiping the moisture from my eyes. Toby saw me do it and gave me a resigned little smile before pulling me back against him. “Hey, he’ll come around.”

“I just don’t understand,” I said. My words were muffled because I was talking into his sweater.

“I think you should call Padric,” Toby advised. I had forgotten all of the reasons that I used to like him so much. Our end was kind of ugly. Now I remembered the biggest thing: he had the most comforting presence of anyone I knew.

“Why?” I finally drew myself away. Though he was too kind to show it, I knew that Toby must have been relieved. He never had been very good at handling uncomfortable situations.

“Felix said something about him. Just talk to him, alright? Now, I finished up in the kitchen. I’m going to take off.” Toby blinked at me, obviously hesitant to leave. “Hey, if you need to talk... well, you still have my number, right?” I nodded gratefully and Toby let himself out.

I stood for a moment in the doorway, a little shell shocked still. Then I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed Padric’s number before I could think too much more about it.

“Hey, Nat! What are you doing? You want to go grab some ice cream?” Padric was like that. You could call him, but he usually had his own agenda that he fulfilled before the conversation turned to whatever it was that you were calling about.

I didn’t bother commenting on his ice cream proposal. “What did you say to Felix?” I demanded.

There was silence for long enough that I wondered whether the line had dropped. I had taken the phone off of my ear to check when he started talking again, so I almost missed it when he said, “Oh, well... Nat, I just mentioned that Toby would be over your house today.”

“And if you really saw nothing wrong with what you said and how you said it, you wouldn’t sound so guilty right now. Surely that’s not all you said.”

“Okay. Perhaps I neglected to mention that it was a scholarly meeting.”

I collapsed on the couch and huffed out an exasperated breath. “I refuse to believe that’s all.”

“Natalie, what happened?”

“Oh, you are not changing the subject right now,” I snapped. “I don’t know what you did, but you did something.” Toby was right, I thought. Padric was being far too evasive for this to be nothing.

“Fine. We were in the hallway after class and I asked Felix whether he was going to be seeing you today. Of course he said he would, but later. I think I said something like, “Oh, right, after Toby leaves, yeah?’ Well, Felix didn’t really know how to take that and he said, ‘Nat’s ex?’”

“Padric,” I groaned, cutting off his story. “What were you doing all of this for?”

“Hey, you wanted to hear what happened and I’m trying to tell you. Because Toby is your ex, I responded in the affirmative. I also told him that it was a relief, how much better you and Toby have been getting along lately, since I knew how upset you were about the tension. That was mostly it.”

“Padric! You made it sound like...” I groaned and didn’t bother finishing that sentence. “I’ve got to go. I need to find Felix.”

“Natalie, let him be for a little-“

“No, Padric,” I cut him off. “If anyone is going to be letting anyone be, it’ll be between you and me.” I hung up the phone and grabbed my keys. I thought I knew where to find Felix. I just hoped he wasn’t too upset.