Make Amends

“Hi, John,” she said, taking off her sunglasses and showing off her amazing green eyes.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I came to see how you were doing… May I come in?” she asked.

Logan didn’t realize that she had just been staring at the girl until she took steps to walk inside. Logan awkwardly walked back to the couch and sat next to Kennedy.

Kennedy gave her a look that she couldn’t read before standing up, “Uh, hey, Autumn.”

“Hi, Kennedy,” she smiled, “You look well. You too, Halvo.”

Eric just stared at her, unmoving. She took the hint that he wasn’t happy to see her and fixated her eyes on Logan, “HI, I’m Autumn.”

“Hi,” she replied, not bothering to be nice. After all, this was the girl that broke John’s heart.

Autumn turned back to John, “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

“Sure…” he said carefully, “We can go to my room.”

They left and once the door closed Logan looked at Kennedy, “What the hell?”

“This is so awkward…” Halvo said, “Why did she come back?”

Kenny shrugged, “I don’t know… but if she tries to move back in I will be pissed.”

“She’s really pretty,” Logan said.

“She’s really nice, too,” Kennedy told her, “Other than the vindictive whore part of her that screwed John.”

Eric tried to make conversation but Logan was only thinking about what John and Autumn could be talking about. And Kennedy was only focused on why she was acting so weird. She tried her best to feign it, but the tension was just smacking them in the face.

Finally John and Autumn walked back out into the living room. He had a tight grin on her face and she was smiling cautiously.

“Um, Autumn is in town for a few days so she’s probably just going to stay here…” John said.

“Where?” Kennedy asked.

“Probably in my room,” he shrugged.

“Well, I’m going to go home,” Logan said, standing up.

“Me too,” Halvo said.

“You don’t have to leave on my account,” Autumn said, seeming to try to win over Eric again. Something told Logan that they had once been good friends.

“Yeah, we do,” Eric said before leaving with Logan.

Halvo and Logan got in his car and before he even turned it on he slammed his hands down against the steering wheel.

“Eric, calm down,” she cooed.

“I’m just pissed off!” he said angrily, “I don’t want to see John hurt like that again… I mean, he was a mess.”

“Do you think he’ll really take her back?” she asked.

“I think that depends on you, Lo.”

And she knew he was right. If she would just make a decision, or try to sort things out with the persons he wanted to kiss her and love her things would be resolved. But she didn’t see herself doing that any time soon.

Because the way she felt around Kennedy made her doubt these intense feeling of jealous in the pit of her stomach. And the way she automatically hated Autumn was evened out by the way she felt when Kennedy smiled at her.

“He really loved her. I’m not sure how you can get over a love like that,” Eric said.

That hurt her heart. “I guess I can understand that.”

“Just think of when you and Kennedy broke up. And not in high school… I mean the big one,” Halvo said.

It was the longest drive of her life. And it was hot in her crappy car that didn’t have air. Her driver’s handbook had told her to never drive while she was emotionally distraught. But she had found a way to cry and still maintain her lane.

Why was it that when a person was sad all they listened to was sad songs? It wasn’t even by choice, her stereo was broken and only stuck on one radio station. The one with the theme Lost Lovers.

She finally made it to the campus by early that evening, feeling nauseas and sweaty. Orientation was tomorrow but they let her get in her dorm room early. She was sure she would soon have to switch rooms to the special needs dormitory, but she would put it off for as long as possible.

All that was in the room was the dark oak furniture and an old mattress. She had things in her car but she was too weak to get them out. So she laid on the bed with no sheets-- not caring of any gross things on it.

And she cried. Then she cursed God for everything he was doing to her, and then she cried some more. She was wallowing in the worst possible way.

Why did she think she could leave him? Of course she knew it would be hard, but not this hard. She was stupid not to factor in the loss of two people: her baby and Kennedy. She couldn’t stop putting her hand on her stomach, for some reason expecting to feel the kicking she had recently become accustomed to.

People used to come to Logan for advice, because she always seemed to have a firm grasp on the world. And she would always tell them that when they were upset they just needed to look past all of it and realize that at some point it would get better.

But it was just bull shit.

How could she assume it would get better when she felt so awful? And this wasn’t some petty high school drama, this was life and death. Her life and possibly her death.

She wanted to go back. Every reason she had justified seemed absolutely ridiculous. But her eyes were heavy with tears and sleep and her body felt like it was a thousand pounds as the mattress became comfortable.

And she slept, asking God one question as she cried.

How would she do this?

“I can understand why she came back. I mean, if she loved him like I loved Kennedy,” Logan finally said.

“Are you jealous?”

She didn’t even hesitate to answer, “Yes.”

“I’ll talk to John,” he said encouragingly.

He dropped her off at her house and she wasn’t more thankful to see her little brother playing video games on the couch.

“Hey,” he said, “Want to play?”

“Sure,” she said, dying to get this off her mind.

They played some game where the object involved ripping off the opponent’s head. Once she had completely demolished Garrett he threw his controller at the TV and sighed.

“Everyone is going to a bar later tonight to watch the Diamondback game. Care to join?” he asked.

So she did. She wasn’t aware that by everyone he meant everyone included Autumn. All of the boys faked polite smiles, following John’s lead. Now he didn’t seem as uncomfortable or angry, he just seemed like he was happy to be catching up with an old friend.

Logan sat at the bar alone while the boys played pool. She drank ginger ale because she was already nauseas enough from chemo. While she listened to everyone cheer around her as Arizona scored she stared at the bottom of her drink, swirling it around.

“Not a big baseball fan?”

She didn’t look up at the girl now sitting next to her, “Huge fan, actually. Just not tonight.”

“I’m Autumn.”

“Logan,” she said distantly, “We met already.”

“Right,” she said before getting the bar keep’s attention and ordering some drink mixed with tequila. “John told me about you.”

“He didn’t tell me much about you,” Logan told her honestly. He never talked about Autumn, just the one time she found their picture face down on his dresser.

“Not surprising,” she laughed slightly, “He told me you have cancer.”

“That’s correct,” Logan said, starting to feel like she may want something stronger to drink.

“I’m pre-med,” Autumn said, “I’m hoping to be a children’s cancer doctor.”

“That’s… awesome,” she told her, bringing a smile to Autumn’s lips.

“So how do you know the guys?” Autumn asked.

“Garrett is my little brother, and I’ve known Kennedy since I was just a kid,” Logan said, being careful not to release too much information to this girl that might use it against her.

“Oh,” she gasped, “You’re the girl we always heard about.”

“Yep,” she said shortly.

They stayed silent for a while and it was awkward until Logan turned to Autumn, “Why did you come back?”

“I’m doing an internship at Sunrise,” she said. “I just needed a place to stay until I get settled.”

“No, I mean why did you really come back? To get John back?” Logan asked, her voice extremely accusatory.

Autumn shrugged, taking a drink. “I hurt him a lot. I still love him, as a friend before anything else.”

“I know how that is,” Logan muttered, “A lot of people don’t like you here.”

Autumn turned on her stool and Logan followed suit, so now they were facing the pool hall, “I used to be the only girl. Just like you.”

“I’m not always the only girl…” Logan mumbled.

“They loved me like they love you, too,” she said, “Some things just change.”

“Why did you cheat on John?” Logan finally asked.

“I was too scared to settle down with a boy I thought would never settle down on his own. They were touring all the time and I was on my way to med school.”

“So you cheated instead of just breaking up?” she asked.

“I was with John since high school. I never experienced anyone else. And I know it’s so selfish, but before I called it off I wanted to make sure I could be with someone else. And I realized I could,” she said with a small shrug.

“So you were willing just to hurt John like that?” Logan questioned.

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life,” Autumn said.

Logan tired to not to draw the strong correlation that her brain was screaming at her. They were a lot alike. “Is that why you’re back then?”

But before Autumn could answer Logan’s name was being called from across the bar as an old Springsteen song came over the juke box.

“Logan it’s our song!” Eric cheered.

She laughed as he pulled her to her feet and spun her around, singing along. The open floor of the bar soon turned into a makeshift dance floor while drunk couples danced along, and even more joined when the tune turned slow.

“May I cut in?”

Logan transferred over to John, putting her arms around his neck, “Why aren’t you dancing with Autumn?”

“Is that why you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder all night?”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” she said.

“And I don’t want you to worry.”

“Looks like we both won’t get what we want, then,” she said.

“What’s going on with you and Kennedy?” he asked.

“Is my answer going to affect what you do with Autumn?” Logan asked.

“Logan, I’m asking because I don’t want to be led on anymore. I know you have cancer, but I’m not here to just wait forever,” John said.

“I-I don’t know, John,” she stumbled over her words.

“Well, good then,” he stated. And before the song ended he left her.

++

“Wow, it’s really happening,” Kennedy sighed.

Logan combed through her hair with her fingers one more time, bringing out a few more strands and adding it to the small clump already in the trash can.

“Better get used to it,” she shrugged, “I think that’s the last of it.”

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the cold pillow. She took slow breaths in and out to keep her head from spinning.

“Do you need anything?” Kennedy asked.

“Nope,” she said, “Just a conversation.”

“Well…” he thought for a moment, “What did you and Autumn talk about?”

“Her intentions. I tried to hate her but she was kind of nice,” Logan said, “How was it with her at your house?”

“I don’t think she and John had sex, but it was still weird either way,” he said.

“She said that you guys all used to love her,” Logan said, “Is that true?”

“Yeah, she was perfect for John. It was a big shocker,” he said sadly.

She sighed, her eyes still closed, “I don’t want John to get hurt again.”

“He’s a big boy, Logan. He can make his own decisions,” Kennedy said.

She looked at him, “So we just let him make the wrong decision?”

“You can’t control the way people feel, you should know that,” he said snidely.

“Sorry that I care about him,” she said defensively. “What’s wrong with you?”

He stood, running a hand through his hair, “I’m over it, Lo. This little game… I’m out. You have to choose what you want. Do you love me?”

“Kennedy…”

“Logan, be straight with me.”

“Oh my God, please don’t do this to me now. You and John are both coming at me and I just need time. Can you do that, Kennedy? Can you give me some time?” she said angrily.

He sighed, speaking more calmly now, “Fine.” He walked to the door and before he left he spoke, “Just don’t forget that you might not have much left.”

His words hurt but it’s not like it wasn’t what she already knew. She sat alone in the room as day turned to night.

She lay motionless in the hospital bed that she was dying to get out of. Every time she felt like she may be finally done throwing up her stomach would find something new to rid itself of.

At least she was alone.

But was it really a good thing? Garrett had come to stay with her, but once it got late he left. Apparently there was some kind of party tonight.

And she told him to go, because she would probably just fall asleep anyways. But that was just a lie. She wanted him to stay and keep her company, but didn’t have the guts to ask. She didn’t want to be any more of a burden than she had to.

Because it was about to be worse as the effects of chemo strengthened. But it scared her that by just the second cycle in she was alone in her hospital room, crying through her spewing.

She had begged her friends to not treat her differently, even though she knew it would be impossible. And they complied with her wishes. But now she hoped she wasn’t burning any bridges and that cancer wasn’t just an excuse for her lack of clarity, because right now she was only more lost.