Make Amends

Logan moved an ice cube slowly across her cheeks and forehead, letting it cool her flustered cheeks. She let out a breath slowly.

“Does that help?” Kennedy asked.

“Keep ‘em coming,” she nodded her head.

“Lo, there’s someone here to see you,” Garrett said as he peeked his head in.

“Let’s have a party,” she grumbled, giving Kennedy a small smile to apologize for her rudeness.

But when Garrett opened the door fully and the small woman entered, Logan’s mood instantly brightened.

“Anne?”

“Hi, baby girl,” she smiled, hugging her.

“What are you doing here? I would have tried to look more presentable,” Logan said, feeling more self-conscious now.

“Oh don’t you worry about this,” she said, putting a hand on her cheek, “I changed your diapers, remember?”

“Mom,” Garrett warned, “No baby stories.”

“Fine,” she said, “So tell me how you are. Are the doctors treating you okay? Everything squared away with your living situation? Are you eating all the right foods?”

“Garrett has been taking care of me very well,” Logan said, “You raised him perfectly.”

Anne smiled before looking at Kennedy, “Now, I don’t mean to be forward, but, what are you doing here?”

Kennedy laughed, “Oh come on Miss Nickelsen, you know I couldn’t stay away from her.”

Anne hugged him, “It’s about damn time you realized it.”

“I agree,” he smiled at Logan, making her look away in effort to prevent a blush on her cheeks.

“There is actually a reason I came to see you,” Anne said, “Boys, will you leave us?”

“It’s okay,” Logan said, “They can stay.”

She nodded her head and smiled, taking Logan’s hands. “Logan, you’re my daughter. I don’t care if you don’t call me mom anymore or that we’re not related. You are the pride of my life... Garrett too.”

Logan laughed to ease the serious mood, “What’s going on?”

“Logan, I found your mom.”

Logan stayed silent for a while before speaking, “How?”

“Well, you know I work in the public records office. I’ve always been keeping an eye out for April Henderson and I had almost given up…” she said.

“And?”

“She just moved back to the Phoenix area. She has two kids… a thirteen year old girl and ten year old boy. And a husband.” Anne said.

Logan felt out of breath and like she wanted to puke, and she wasn’t sure if it was from the chemo or not, “Wow.”

Logan had never met her mom, nor had she wanted to. Her dad hated to talk about her, and even as she got older she knew not to ask questions. There were times when he would tell her she was acting like her mom; usually when she was acting like a brat.

She learned that she was an addict of something… everything. Logan’s dad took Logan the day she was out of the hospital and her mom basically fell off the face of the earth. Her dad told her to never take it personally, just that April wasn’t ready to be a mom.

But it was always hard for Logan to accept that her mom had left her before she even got the chance to love her. Of course Anne was the perfect mom even when she didn’t have to be. It was just always a thought in the back of her head.

It got worse when Logan lost her baby. She wouldn’t be a mom, because she couldn’t, but her mother chose not to be a mom because she didn’t want to. It wasn’t fair.

As all these thoughts ran through Logan’s head, she realized how much she actually despised her mom. Even though Logan took her last name when she moved, that was the only connection besides blood they had.

“I don’t want to see her.”

“What?” Garrett questioned, “Why not?”

“She hasn’t even tried to contact me,” Logan said, “She doesn’t care.”

“Actually… um,” Garrett stammered, “About that.”

“What did you do?” Anne asked.

“Well I had dad’s phone calls forwarded to the house phone, and she called two weeks ago. She doesn’t know dad is dead. She said she wanted to see Logan,” he said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Logan asked.

He sighed, sitting on the side of her bed, “I knew how stressed you were and I was going to tell you when you were in a better mood, I swear.”

“So does this change things?” Anne asked.

“You’re right,” she closed her eyes, “I’m too stressed.”

“Logan-” Kennedy started.

“I really just want to sleep,” she said to all of them, opening her eyes now. “Thanks for coming though, Anne. I’ll call you later this week and me, you, and Garrett will go to lunch.”

“Okay, baby,” Anne sighed in defeat, kissing her forehead, “See you soon.”

“Bye, sis,” Garrett said, “I’ll see you later.”

They both left and Kennedy sat on the edge of her bed, “You want me to leave, too?”

She sighed, “Yeah, I do. But if you bring some ice cream tonight I’ll let you back in.”

He laughed, “Deal.”

Kennedy kissed her forehead before leaving. She didn’t think long about how Kennedy was becoming more confident in his display of feelings for her because it only led her back to John.

Who hadn’t come to see her at all this treatment.

Penny entered with another dose of chemicals, “You ready, baby?”

“No,” Logan said, already beginning to cry.

Penny frowned, “You can go home tomorrow. But we have to do this one.”

“Are you close with your mom, Penny?” Logan asked.

“Well, sure I was. She was my best friend before she died last year,” Penny said, “She raised me by herself.”

“That’s really nice,” Logan said, “I’ve never met my mom.”

“I bet she wonders about you all the time.”

“She wants to see me. Do you think I should?” Logan asked.

“Of course I do. Logan, you have to do everything you never had the chance to. Because who knows how much longer you’ll have?” Penny questioned.

Logan nodded her head, giving the nurse a silent thank you. She injected Logan in her shoulder and then left her. She fell asleep almost immediately, dreaming about what her mom would look like.

*

“Logan?”

She awoke to the whisper of her name, “Hey Kenny.”

“Guess again,” John said, coming into her view now.

“Oh,” she sat up, “How did you get in here after hours?”

“I’m pretty sure Nurse Penny is low key in love with me,” he said, pulling up a chair to the edge of her bed.

“Who isn’t these days?” she asked, lifting her eyebrows.

“We don’t need to talk about Autumn right now,” he said.

“Do you still love her?” Logan asked, ignoring his last statement.

“Do you still love Kennedy?” he asked.

“I asked you first.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, “I hate what she did.”

“But you don’t see how you could ever hate her,” Logan finished for him.

“Sound familiar?” he laughed lightly.

She held out her hand, “What happened to us?”

“Some people just fall out of love,” he shrugged sadly.

“We were so perfect though,” she said as he squeezed her hand.

“No,” he shook his head, “We convinced ourselves that the world was perfect.”

“Don’t make this so dramatic,” she said.

“Logan, I love you. And maybe I could actually be in love with you if there was no Kennedy or Autumn always haunting us around the corner,” he said.

“Do you feel like we wasted time?” she asked.

“Not at all, Lo. Before you walked into my life I felt… static. All I knew was my band. I’ve never gotten so close with a person so fast,” John said, “Did we waste time?”

“John, I owe you everything. I mean… you put me back together. It sounds simple… but thanks,” she told him.

He gave her a sweet smile and squeezed her hand, “My pleasure. You’re perfect, Logan. I’m glad I could help you realize that.”

She laughed softly, “I wouldn’t go that far, but thank you.”

They were silent for almost a minute before John spoke, “So what now?”

“I need your help… again. If you don’t want to, that’s fine,” Logan said.

He seemed to straighten up as his interest peaked, “I’m all ears.”

++

Logan took the long walk up the stairs of a house that resembled the one she grew up in. Large stone steps, elaborate door way, massive in size. It was amazing. She wondered if she had the correct address.

“You ready?” John asked her.

She looked into his green eyes that had once made her swoon. She was convinced that she only asked him to come because he would be unbiased and had always been so successful in helping her through the hardest things.

But part of it was probably to see if they still had a chance. To see if maybe if he helped her one more time-- doing the thing she fell in love with him for, she could fall in love again. It was selfish she knew, but she had to give it one more try.

Even though part of her hoped it wasn’t worth it.

“If it’s awkward will you fake a phone call?” she asked, her voice actually shaking.

“Sure,” he laughed before ringing the door bell.

The door swung open, a ten year old boy’s smile fading as he realized he didn’t recognize the people in front of him. Logan couldn’t stay a word, she was looking at her brother. The same kind of relation to him she had to Garrett. Except things were so different.

Finally a woman came behind the boy, placing her hands on his shoulders. She smiled, “Can I help you?”

They didn’t look alike. Logan’s thinning brown hair and blue eyes were in sharp contrast to her mom’s beautiful blonde head and green eyes. Logan was taller than her but they were the same size by design.

She decided against being vague, “You’re my mom.”

The woman’s expression made it seem like she now recognized her, which wasn’t true.

“Nick, go to your room,” she whispered to the boy who soon scurried off. “Come in.”

The two did and stood awkwardly by the door as Logan and April stared at one another. “Did your dad tell you I called?”

Logan bit at the inside of her lip, “Actually... my dad is dead. A few months ago… cancer.”

She put her hand to her agape mouth, “I am so sorry.”

“Really?” Logan asked, “That’s surprising.”

“Lo,” John hushed.

“Let’s sit,” April said, sounding defeated as John and Logan sat on a couch across from the chair she sat in.

“This wasn’t how I pictured our meeting,” April said, “But I guess it would have been this way either way.”

Logan sighed, “I can’t pretend to be friendly, especially to you.”

“He called me once, you know. Told me all about you,” April said.

“And you still didn’t want to see me?” Logan asked.

“I had just found out I was pregnant with my little girl, Kali. I was cleaning up, but Ronnie didn’t believe me. He didn’t want me near you. You were only about ten years old,” she said.

“What did he tell you?”

She smiled a little, “He said you were beautiful and that even though you were just a kid he knew you’d grow up to be a good person. He said that you had a good heart and you loved your little brother. Also, that you were already in love.”

Logan laughed, “Well…”

April turned to John, “Are you Kennedy?”

“No, I’m John,” he smiled at Logan, “But Mr. Nickelsen was right about Kennedy.”

“Did he ever tell you about me?” April asked.

“He said you were a screw up. You loved drugs more than me and him and you never had a chance. Was that true?” Logan stated, not even attempting to appease this woman.

She hung her head, “Yes. I thought I loved your dad and he thought he could change me. But he didn’t and I didn’t, and not even you could keep us together… keep me together. I’m so, so sorry,” she said, crying now.

Logan didn’t feel bad for her. All she could think was the life she could have had if her mom had been in her life. But would it have really been different? She still would have had cancer and probably had the same life with and without Kennedy.

And then she might not have Garrett. Or Anne. And things would be so different in the worse way that she began to wonder why she even came.

And then the two reasons came bounding down the stairs.

“Who’s this?” the girl, Kali asked. She looked like her mother and was sure to be a heart breaker soon. She was wearing too much makeup, probably experimenting, and was blushing in John’s presence.

“Kali, Nick, I want you to meet someone,” she said, “This is Logan… your half-sister.”

Logan gave a small, uncomfortable smile and the two kids stared at her, unsure. But soon the boy moved to her and held out his arms. Logan hugged him tightly, “My mom misses you a lot.”

Logan let a few tears fall but wiped them away quickly as Nick began talking John’s ear off. Kali sat down next to her mom, eyeing up Logan. Finally she spoke, “I like your hair.”

“It’s pretty sparse right now,” Logan said, “But thanks.”

“Oh my God,” April gasped, bringing the room silent, “You’re sick.”

“Cancer,” Logan said, “I came out of remission two months ago.”

Kali frowned, “That’s horrible.”

“I’m doing chemo right now, so we’ll see,” she said, not really believing in the hope she instilled in them.

They continued talking as things got less awkward. She got to know these people that she wasn’t sure she could ever call her family. But as she listened to stories of the kids and then later about April’s life before them, Logan was only wishing one thing.

For Kennedy to be with her.