Make Amends

Logan smiled at the green eyes looking down at her lovingly, “Hey there.”

She tried to speak but couldn’t find her voice. He handed her some water that she sipped carefully, as to not spill it down her torso.

“Hi,” she said, raspy.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, brushing her hair out of her face.

She tried to shrug but her shoulder was too sore, “Not so bad.”

“Kennedy’s dad said the surgery went well. That little guy is situated perfectly,” John said, resting his hand where the catheter was. There was only a small bandage where the stitches were.

Logan smiled absentmindedly. She studied the room she inhabited. Drab Easter egg yellow walls were around her, posters having to do with medicine spaced out along them. There was a dry erase board directly across from her bed with a schedule of which nurse had come and when.

She was connected to the heart monitor just because Dr. Brock was overly cautious. The procedure wasn’t an evasive one. It took maybe an hour to complete and there was virtually no recovery time, all she had was a few stitches. It was more uncomfortable than anything.

“Ah, Logan, you’re awake,” Dr. Brock said as he entered the room.

“Yep,” she said, “I feel well.”

“Good. We only want to keep you for a few more hours but you’ll be home in no time. I told that brother of yours to make sure you don’t stress yourself out,” he said.

“Got it,” she told him, “Thanks for keeping me alive.”

He nodded his head, never one to accept praise, “See you next Tuesday in this room. We’ll start your chemo.”

“Awesome,” she grumbled, “See you.”

As soon as Dr. Brock opened the door two more boys filed in. Garrett and Eric smiled at her, Eric had flowers in his hands.

“Thanks, Halvo,” she smiled.

“These aren’t for you,” he said, “They’re for me. Do you know how much stress I’m under?”

She laughed, “No, I didn’t know. Are you about to undergo intravenous drug treatments to try to keep you alive?”

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, stuffing a candy bar in his mouth and mumbling, “No.”

She laughed softly, “We’re going to need to decorate this room. It’s a big downer.”

“I agree. We need some big posters of The Maine up here,” Garrett smiled.

“No,” she said, “That is not what I want.”

“Well why not?” he asked.

“She obviously wants A Rocket to the Moon,” Eric said.

She shook her head, “I need friends not in bands.”

“Hey, the self-assurance and God complex comes with the territory,” John said.

She laughed and rolled her eyes, “I think I want to get some sleep. I’ll call you guys when I can go home.”

They all laughed in unison like her statement was a joke, “We’ll be here when you wake up.”

When Logan woke up she spoke to the nurses about her upcoming treatment. The resident nurse was named Penelope, but she told Logan to call her Penny. She was in her forties with brown hair that hung along her neck and deep brown eyes. She looked worn from years of seeing sad patients and families, but Logan understood why she was a nurse.

It was the smile that all good nurses had that set them apart. They had the ability to make the toughest and bleakest situations into something resembling hope.

“You’re the one dating Dr. Brock’s son, right?” Penny asked.

“No,” Logan said, “You’re about four years behind.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed since David doesn’t usually take on personal cases there was some kind of connection,” she said.

“Do you know Kennedy?”

“Since he was just a kid. I’ve been working with Dr. Brock since I was in nursing school. Kennedy is a sweet boy,” she commented.

“He sure is,” Logan said.

“So do you usually have all those boys around?” she asked as she helped Logan put her button up shirt on.

“Yeah,” she said, “It comes with having a brother I guess.”

“Which one is your boyfriend?” she asked.

Logan bit her lip, “Well, the tall one, John… we’ve been through a lot. I’m actually not sure of our current status.”

“He’s cute,” Penny laughed.

“I’m not so focused on a relationship right now,” Logan told her.

“Oh come on,” Penny said as she wrote some things on Logan’s chart, “You have to live a little. John or Kennedy or whoever will be there when the cancer isn’t.”

“That is if the cancer really isn’t,” Logan said.

“Well of course,” Penny said, “But who am I to give advice? You’ve been through this before.”

She shook her head, “Not like this. Now I’ve got attachments. That’s a whole different ball game.”

“It looks to me like you have a lot of people that love you, and you’d be a fool not to take advantage of that,” she said.

“Yeah, they do love me don’t they?” she smiled to herself.

“Don’t take this too seriously, Logan. The cancer can take everything physical from you, but it’s your choice what else is takes,” Penny said.

Logan nodded her head, “You say the same thing to every patient?”

Penny laughed, “Pretty much. Okay, you’re good to go. See you next week.”

“Thanks,” Logan said before leaving.

The boys were waiting for her outside. She had her arm in a sling because it hurt more to move, but she felt fine. It was a hot day and the asphalt she her feet were walking along was making her itch for an air conditioned car.

She sat in the passenger seat in John’s car after telling Eric that she should win shot gun because she just had a procedure; he grumbled under his breath the whole ride.

The car ride made her feel woozy and sick, the effects of the anesthesia still obvious. She walked up the stairs to her apartment slowly, having to put both feet on a single step before moving to the next.

John had been standing behind her to make sure she didn’t fall back but when she stopped for a break he spoke, “Do you want me to carry you the rest of the way?”

“Nope,” she said defiantly, “I’ve got it.”

Logan eventually made it all the way up and when she got inside she kissed Eric and John on their cheeks.

“Gentlemen, thank you for coming today,” she said, “I don’t want to keep you from your plans tonight.”

“All right, baby girl,” Eric said, handing her the flowers he still had reluctantly, “Call me.”

Once Eric left and John began to say goodbye, Garrett interrupted him.

“Uh, do you mind if I leave, Lo? I kind of have a date tonight,” he said.

“I don’t need a baby sitter, Gary. Have fun,” she told him.

“Maybe I should stay,” John suggested, “You know, in case you feel too sick to get food or something.”

Logan laughed softly, “If you just wanted to stay you could ask.”

Garrett rolled his eyes, “See you guys.”

They said goodbye and they went to Logan’s room. She took her sling off carefully before laying down next to John. It felt good to just close her eyes and regain her composure. She was starting to feel much more normal.

“So I guess Kennedy took it pretty well,” John commented.

“Yeah, I guess he did,” she said, “Kind of unexpected, right?”

“I’m not surprised at all,” John said, “People will always come together in drastic times, Lo.”

“You guys have all been really great,” she said.

John smiled as he pulled her closer to him. She nuzzled into his chest and he sighed, “I missed this.”

“Me too,” she said, “You have no idea.”

“Hey Logan, remember that time you left me after we had sex?” he asked, obviously joking.

She frowned, laughing slightly, “Yes, I remember.”

“I’m not mad or anything,” he said, “There was just something I didn’t get to tell you.”

She looked at him, “Was it how great I was?”

He rolled his eyes. “What I didn’t get to tell you was,” he kissed her forehead, “Was that you are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen.”

She shook her head, blushing, “Doubtful, but thank you.”

John lifted her chin in his fingertips, looking in her eyes to make sure it was okay. She closed the distance between their lips hesitantly, but once she kissed him back she didn’t have any doubts.

Just simple kissing made her feel wanted, loved. In just a week the thought would repulse her. She wouldn’t even appreciate anyone seeing her, let alone this kind of contact.

John rolled over on top of her and she tangled her fingers in his hair. One of his hands was lightly caressing her exposed hip bone as they moved in unison with his. He moved his lips to her neck and she let her fingertips sink into his back.

He lifted his head and put his hands on the top button of her shirt. She lifted her head to kiss him and he proceeded to unbutton her shirt. She wasn’t wearing a bra because the straps over her incision would make it uncomfortable.

John gaped at her breasts for only a second before allowing her to sit up and take off her shirt completely, delicately pulling it off of her sore shoulder. They collapsed back on the bed and John moved his lips to every exposed part of her chest.

She moved her hands to his belt buckle and he looked in her eyes, “Are you sure you want to this?”

Logan gave him a small smile and nodded her head. Soon the only garment in between them was her underwear and John moved his lips to the butterfly bandage over her stitches. He kissed it sweetly and whispered that he loved her, before they were separated by nothing else.

Once they regained their staggered breaths and John had his arm wrapped around her waist as the cuddled, she smiled.

“So this is what I was missing last time?” she laughed.

“Yep,” he said, “I’m a big fan of cuddling.”

“Me too,” she said.

“Uh, I have a quick question,” John said.

“No, I probably won’t have enough energy for sex while I’m going though chemo.”

“Wow, that is definitely not what I was going to ask,” John said.

“This is embarrassing…” she laughed, blushing.

He kissed the top of her head, “Its okay my little pervert. What I was going to ask is… are you scared?”

“I’m pretty nervous…” she admitted, fiddling with John’s hand absentmindedly.

John nodded his head, “I bet. I am too.”

“I’m going to be a hot mess for a while here, John,” she said hesitantly.

“That doesn’t matter,” he said.

“But just know that anything I say… I’m not in the right state of mind, at least for the days I’m getting treatment. I might yell a lot,” she said, “I get really easily annoyed.”

“Noted,” he smiled, moving his hand so he was lightly brushing his fingers on her arm.

“So I think that’s why right now we should talk about…this,” she said, propping herself up so she could look at him.

“I knew this was coming,” he chuckled nervously.

“What are we, John? I mean… what was this?” she asked.

He sighed, looking up at the ceiling, “You know that we only knew each other for just over two months? That’s not a very long time.”

“This is true,” Logan said.

“But somehow, I fell in love with you. Every single thing made me love you,” he said.

“And then I left…” she finished.

“And it broke my heart, Lo. But it seems so trivial now considering everything you’re about to go through,” John said, “I think it’s stupid right now to deal with relationship issues.”

“We have to, John. We can’t just use cancer as an excuse to why we avoid it, and we definitely can’t keep doing this without a plan,” she said.

He nodded his head, “It’s up to you, Lo.”

“John, I would love for us to go back to normal, but maybe it’s not a good idea. I don’t have the time or energy to think about being a good girlfriend and I don’t want you to feel some kind of obligation to me,” she said.

“I’m going to feel it either way, Logan,” John said.

“Yeah but if we’re not dating then I won’t feel so bad about it. I just… want to talk about this again in a few months when we have a better idea of my life expectancy and all of that,” she said.

“Minor details, right?” John joked, “Whatever you want, Logan. I just don’t know that if in a few months I’ll be ready to just pick up right where we left off.”

“Neither do I,” she told him honestly, “Just be my friend, please?”

He nodded his head, “But it’s pretty obvious that what I feel for you is stronger than just friends, right? It’s not going to be that simple to just be buddies.”

“I know,” she said, “It’s just an easier label then whatever the hell we are.”

“So,” he said, pulling her against him, “I can still kiss you when I want to, right?”

“Yes,” she smiled before he kissed her.

“And we can still do this whenever we want?” he grinned as he pulled her on top of him.

She kissed him before sitting up so she was straddling his waist, “I might be able to muster up some energy.”

He smiled, lifting his hand to move the hair out of her face and keeping his hand cupped around her cheek, “I love you. No matter if we’re friends, I’m your boyfriend, or even nothing at all. I love you, Logan.”

And at that moment she knew why she was so scared to commit to John. It wasn’t a lie that having a boyfriend during chemo would be more difficult than needed. But it scared her even more that it wasn’t her biggest reason.

She did love John and she wished it was as easy as he made it sound. But she wasn’t positive her heart was all here. It wasn’t fair to give it away when her past still made her long for what had been.

Her heart was still with Kennedy. She wasn’t sure if it was wishful thinking that the good parts of her past had come with open arms, or the thought of a future without him. But four years ago she didn’t give him a chance to love her through this, and now she was eager to give him this chance—to give them a chance, if just for one last time.

She didn’t know if Kennedy felt the same. In fact, she hoped he didn’t. Because then it would be clear that the past is the past and so her future, though uncertain who would belong in it, would be truly untainted by what could have been.