Lavender Sweater and a Volkswagen Jetta

“Good morning, mommy! Rise and shine!”

I stirred. Once my vision became clear, Kylie’s face was in front of me with a huge smile plastered on her face. I prepped up on my elbow and kissed her cheek. “Good morning, princess.” She climbed on my bed and snuggled next to me.

“What are we going to do today, mommy?” She asked as she twirled my red locks in her small fingers.

“Well, uncle Kennedy told me that uncle John is going to have a barbecue at his house today. Would you like to come, sweetie?”

She got up and jumped on the mattress. “Yay! I’m going to see uncle Jawn again!”

I laughed at her. Seeing that it was only 7:46 in the morning, I told Kylie that she should pick out what she was going to wear later. She nodded furiously and ran back to her room. I smiled to myself when she ran out the door. Seeing her so happy makes me feel good that I didn’t choose to get an abortion.

I fell back on the bed and turned to my side to check my phone. The smile I had on slowly faded when I browsed through the pictures I still haven’t deleted from four years ago. I couldn’t believe I’m going to see him again after disappearing without another word.

My phone vibrated twice and I exited the gallery. I had two messages; one from John and the other one from Kennedy.

Bbq at my house later at 11. Come stop by and say hi! Bring little Kylie along with you.

I decided to reply to John’s text later. I then opened Kenny’s.

Wake up, Joelle. You still need to think about what you need to say to him. I know you left a mess. Don’t deny. See u later!

I sighed and replied to the both of them before getting out of bed to make breakfast. Soon after the pancakes were cooked, I called out for Kylie for breakfast. She ran to the kitchen table and sat down. I set her plate down as well as the syrup. She started to dig in while I made coffee.

After breakfast, she watched TV while I cleaned everything up; the plates, her room, and my room. I told Kylie to turn the television off for her to take a bath. While I bathed her, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut about the guys. When his name passed her lips, my heart stopped. Kylie, if you only knew he’s your father… You wouldn’t call him your uncle anymore. You’ll be screaming out, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’

I left her to dress up while I took a shower. Everything came rushing back to me. Every little detail of it all. The dates, the comforting hugs, the passionate kisses, the notes, the midnight calls; everything I didn’t want to remember anymore ran back to me. “Explaining him everything would be just as hard as explaining to my daughter that her father’s right in front of her,” I mumbled to myself when I finished.

Jeans, white tank top, a red flannel shirt, and black flats, I was ready to go. I left my hair just the way it was. I put on a semi-thick layer of eyeliner over my green eyes. I didn’t bother to put on some lipstick because I never needed it.

Kylie went in my room and sat down on the bed and watched me finish my eye make-up. She was wearing a denim skirt that stopped above her knees and a yellow sleeveless button up blouse and her yellow flats. I motioned her to come to me so I could brush her hair.

By 10:18, we left the apartment. I buckled her up on the passenger seat next to me and I drove the familiar route to John O’Callaghan’s house. My phone went off and Kylie answered it for me. “Mommy, its uncle Jawn. He’s asking where we are,”

“Tell him we’re on our way, princess.” I said, my eyes on the road.

I parked in front of Jared’s car. I cut the engine off and took my keys out of the ignition while Kylie unbuckled herself from the seat. I grabbed my bag from her and I went out and jogged to her side to open her up. She hopped out and I locked the Jetta.

“You might want to park one block away from here… or maybe you could park that inside the garage,” I heard John say. Kylie’s head shot to the right once she heard her uncle’s voice.

“Uncle Jawn!” She exclaimed and let go of my hand and ran to him, his arms wide open.

“Hey kiddo!” John laughed as he picked her up and spun her around. I grinned and shook my head. I unlocked the car and got in to park it in John’s open garage. Once it was done, I walked back to the front yard where John was chasing my daughter. I heard the garage door shut down and I spun around to see who it was.

“Is it me or have you changed?” He asked, enveloping me in a hug.

“It’s nice to see you again, Jared.” I giggled when we pulled away.

“I’m sorry I never had the chance to see you and my niece,” He said sheepishly. I smiled and told him it was alright. Kylie then ran into her uncle’s arms and, like John, he spun her around and carried her ‘til we got to the backyard.

I got to catch up with everybody who was there, especially my two best girlfriends. They finally met my daughter and to my surprise, Kylie liked them. When Pat stole my daughter for a while, Brie and Jules told me what happened when I left.

“Joelle, he’s here.” Brie whispered, her eyes behind me. I turned around. There he was in his black and white flannel shirt, tight jeans and his boots, his black sunglasses covering his blue orbs. He didn’t change. My heart started racing when he took off his sunglasses and looked my way. I quickly turned my attention back to the girls.

“He never dated anyone after you left, just so you know.” Jules whispered into my ear. Brianna went to greet him while Jules lead me inside. We sat down in John’s living room and she started to tell me everything.

“Garrett couldn’t take it, Jo. He tried everything just to forget about you and what you said when you decided to walk out of his life. Heck, he even tried to despise you but no matter how hard he tried to do so, we knew that he wasn’t. He wasn’t mad at you; he was mad about what you said and what you did.”

I gripped on the plastic cup that had Mountain Dew in it harder. I knew that he was mad for what I did and said, but I never expected him to hate me just to forget about me. I knew that it hurt him so much like it hurt me. Jules excused herself to go to the bathroom while I went to the kitchen to put some ice on my drink.

I sipped on it as I stared into the view out John’s front yard. “I knew it was you,”

I bit my lip and set my cup down. I tapped my foot on the floor before whispering, “It’s hard to say that I was wrong,”

His footsteps became louder and nearer. Moments later, he was right next to me, staring out to the deserted street. He sighed and said, “I didn’t know you had a daughter. Well, it’s obvious. You were bound to get pregnant after you screwed—“

“She’s yours.” I mumbled.

I could feel him tense up. His eyes averted to me. “She… She’s what?”

“Kylie,” I breathed out. Tears were threatening to come out of my eyes now. “Kylie, she’s… she’s your daughter.”

Garrett remained silent. I stared back into the empty road out the window as the tears started to fall down. “That night I left you, I wanted to tell you it was yours and not Joel’s, but I knew you wouldn’t listen after I told you that… that…”

“It was a mistake.” He mumbled.

My hands found their way to grip the counter to keep me from collapsing as I cried harder. “I never meant to hurt you. If you think hearing that from me hurts, think about me. Me telling you that horrible lie. It was the only way I could walk out of your life, but I was wrong. Those words scarred me, Garrett. It rang through my mind when I walked out of your house. Every day, it’s the only thing I could hear.”

He remained silent, his head hanging low. “When Kylie was born, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to forget you that easy. Garrett, she looks so much like you, it’s making it even harder to forget you and all of the things that we had. It surprised me that she never asked about you while she grew up. I always wondered what your reaction would be if I told you she’s yours, but then shaking the thought off because I know you’re happy, living your life without me to fuck it all up.”

“As a matter of fact, I was never happy after you left. I never imagined you’d come back with… with… my daughter. Joelle, I tried. I tried to forget about you but somehow you were always there in the back of my mind. It’s hard for me to leave you in one dark corner of my head but the guys, they keep on mentioning your name.” Garrett said, his voice cracking and he got closer to me.

I shook my head as the tears kept falling. “I really want to tell you I’m sorry but I just don’t know if it’s enough for all of the pain I’ve put you through,”

“Mommy!” I heard my daughter’s voice come from outside. I patted my pockets to see if my handkerchief is there but it wasn’t. I cursed under my breath. Garrett’s fingers were under my chin and he turned my head to face him. He then dabbed the tears away with his handkerchief and whispered, “I don’t want Kylie to ask why her mom’s crying… or if I made you cry,”

Right after when he was done, Kylie came running through the door. “Mommy, I—“ she stopped when she saw Garrett. Her eyes widened and screamed out, “Uncle Gary!”

He grinned and picked her up. Kylie wrapped her arms around his neck as Garrett carried her in his arms. She buried her face into his neck for a moment and looked at me with a smile then frowned. “Mommy, were you crying?”

“What? No, princess, mommy wasn’t crying. How could you say that?” I laughed lightly.

“Your eyes are all red and puffy, mommy.” She pouted. I sighed as I touched her cheek. Kylie held my hand; she was still frowning. I really didn’t know how to tell her that the person who’s carrying her now is her father. I briefly looked at Garrett who was looking at me with sad eyes. I closed mine and reopened them and gave our daughter a small smile.

She then wiggled out of Garrett’s grip and gave me a kiss before running out the door where Kennedy was waiting for her. I crossed my arms and looked at Kennedy. He gave me a sympathetic smile and carried Kylie out to the guys and closed the door.

Silence filled the room after the door shut close. Garrett then cleared his throat and asked, “How are you going to tell her?”

“Tell her what?” I whispered, not looking at him in the eye.

“About all of this; me being actually her dad, you leaving without another—“

“You know I never really had the time to think about that. All I could ever think about was you finding out that Kylie’s your daughter, how I walked out of your life, those words I never wanted to slip out of my mouth, and how I left a huge mess here.” I choked out.

Tears kept on falling down my cheeks. I still didn’t look at him. Moments later, I felt arms wrap around me. I hesitated to return his comforting embrace but I knew I needed someone to hold me, to keep me from collapsing. Immediately, I wrapped my arms around his body and sobbed furiously into his chest, telling him that I was sorry over and over.

Garrett kissed the top of my head and started to draw circles on my back as he hushed me to calm down. As much as he tried, I knew I wasn’t going to settle down. I left him and now I’m back with a kid that’s his and here I am, crying on his chest with him comforting me like the old times.

Sometimes I wonder, why didn’t I stay?