Lavender Sweater and a Volkswagen Jetta

The dawn of Kylie’s burial was—for me—unacceptable. I couldn’t believe she was gone. Two nights ago, Garrett and I were sitting at the dining table across from each other, our attentions focused on the pad papers in front of us. No words were needed. The whole entire house was deafeningly silent and Kylie wasn’t there anymore to break it for us.

I’ve been staring at the digital clock on the bedside table. The bright red numbers read 5:39 AM. I decided to get out of Garrett’s arms and out of the bedroom. Ever since our daughter passed away, Garrett moved in with me to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything suicidal.

When I passed by Kylie’s bedroom, it was hard for me to let the tears spill out. My hand was inches away from the doorknob, but I quickly withdrew my hand and continued my way to the bathroom.

I didn’t know how long have I been there in the bathtub; my mind was far away, away to the sea of memories when I still had Kylie in my arms. How I’d miss seeing her bright blue eyes that smiled up at me everyday, her voice that took away the stress whenever I get home from work, her little ways of bringing joy into my life, her smile that makes me smile too, her warm and loving hugs that made me feel like I was home…

The knock on the bathroom door pulled me out of my thoughts. I didn’t realize that the whole time I was reminiscing, the tears were already flowing down freely on my cheeks.

“Elle?” Garrett’s worried voice came through the other side. “Are you alright in there?”

It took me a while to respond to his question. I wanted to say I wasn’t. It was crystal clear that I wasn’t. My daughter wasn’t here anymore. He took her away from me so soon. She was one of the reasons why I’m back here in Arizona and one of the reasons of my happiness and now she’s gone.

“Don’t worry, I’m not cutting myself.” I called back.

He always assumed that I would be cutting myself when he wasn’t around—which rarely happened ever since what happened a week ago in front of our house.

I stepped out of the tub and slipped a robe on then pulling the plug underneath all the water and foam and watched as it was sucked down the drain. I looked down at my feet and went over to the door.

I opened it, revealing Garrett standing there with a worried look on his face. I gave him a weak smile as his lips gave out a hefty sigh. He kissed me and enveloped me in a tight hug. “Everything’s going to be fine,” he whispered into my ear. But deep down, I know it wasn’t.


I straightened out my skirt once I pulled it on and buttoned my blouse. I slipped on my black flats and went to the vanity table to brush my hair and apply some eyeliner and mascara. Once I was finished, I sighed at my reflection on the mirror. My eyes have been puffy, seeing how much I’ve been crying these past days. I barely did anything.

Garrett came in and he was dressed up. My eyes averted to him through the mirror. “Ready?” he asked. I stood up from the stool and nodded, grabbing my purse and held his hand as we made our way out the house and to the church.

Pat, Kennedy, and John immediately hugged me once we got there. I hugged each of them back and giving them a weak smile when we pulled away. Mrs. Nickelsen walked over to us, held my hand in hers, and whispered, “I’m so sorry, dear.”

I faked a smile and said, “It’s okay, Mrs. Nickelsen. I just couldn’t believe she’s gone too soon…”

“Me too, dear. I would’ve spent another day with her, baking cookies at the kitchen and all,”

She hugged me and let me go to where all of our friends were. Most of them did the same. Brie had to fly back here once Jules told her the news. Now she was standing by the coffin, crying as John Gomez held her.

“I’m really sorry for your loss, Elle.” Stephen said.

I looked up at him and once again, faked a smile. “I would’ve at least seen her graduate,” I mumbled.

“Jess told us once she got to band practice. We were about to yell at her until she told us why she was late. It made us stop practice that day just so we could call you and all,”

“I’m so sorry for making you guys stop your practice,” I said.

“It’s no big deal. I mean, your friend losing someone so close to her, how can you not stop whatever you’re doing, right?” He smiled sympathetically and said, “I better go back to where they are,” Stephen hugged me before he left.

The service started a little while later. I tried my best not to reach for my handkerchief in my purse. Garrett just held my hand tightly. After the pastor said a welcoming piece, a few of our friends stood up to share some memories they had with Kylie.

After Jules, it was Garrett’s turn to say a few words. What he had written on his paper, I didn’t know, but as he said it out loud to everyone, it made it even harder for me to resist crying. Jared had his arm wrapped around me and started rubbing my arm once I was shaking.

“She was such an angel,” Garrett said. “During those seven months I was with her, made me experience what it was like to be a dad. Then, two weeks after her birthday, Jess called me up saying that Kylie got into an accident and they were on their way to the hospital, made us stop practicing. I rushed out the door with the guys trailing behind me and Pat was in the car with me while the others were behind us. All I ever thought about on the way to the hospital was how I hoped she would be alright.

But once the doctor came out and told us ‘I’m sorry’, my whole world fell apart. Just… hearing those two words from him, made my heart sink to my stomach. I wasn’t going to see her again.” He took a long pause and then continued. “Kylie, wherever you are, you know I loved you as much as I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t there while you grew up. I’m going to miss you so much,”

Garrett walked back to his seat and I was the last one to say everything I wanted to say. Once I composed myself, I stood up from my seat and walked over to the lectern and started to say everything… from the start.

“…I was terrified. How she looked in my arms, how she was slowly slipping away from me… I hoped that, once we get to the hospital, she would be saved. But she wasn’t. And now, here I am, saying these words to all of you with her inside a coffin.” My voice cracked. I had to stop for a moment and continue.

“Kylie, honey, you’ve been a very, very good daughter to me. You loved me as much as I loved you. Thank you for bringing so much joy in my life. Right now, I miss you so much. If I could have once wish, I’d wish to have you in my arms one last time. I’m sorry for not doing my best of being your mom.

I still can’t accept the fact that you’re no longer with us. You’ll always be in my heart, and you know that. I love you so much, Danielle Kylie Nickelsen.” I said in a shaky voice and went back to my seat with tears streaming down my face. Garrett immediately had me in his arms once I was seated.

We all bundled out to a graveyard and each of us had white roses. We threw the roses as I watched my little girl’s wooden coffin slowly pull down to under the earth. I threw my rose last and whispered, “I love you, Kylie.”


The funeral seemed like it went on for hours but we were only gone for two and a half hours. The guys, Brie, and Jules decided to come over in three days and said that they’ll leave us alone for a while. I went straight to our room and changed into my usual house clothes and climbed on to bed.

I stared at Kylie’s picture that was on my bedside table. A tear rolled down as I felt the weight shift on the other side of the bed. I’m running out of tears to cry, and I felt like that was the last one.

“Since this is going to be a long process,” Garrett started. “I’m thinking that… you should come with me on tour in the next four weeks.”

I shifted my position so that I was facing him. “Me? Come on tour with you guys?”

Garrett nodded and wiped the stray tear from my cheek. “I don’t want you to sulk around here while I’m gone. And I think that Kylie wants you to be happy even if she’s not around us anymore,”

I bit my lip. “I’ll think about it,” I whispered.

He kissed my forehead and was about to leave until I held on to his hand and he looked back at me. “Please stay with me until I fall asleep,” I said softly. Garrett smiled and sat down next to me, his back resting on the headboard with my head on his lap and started to play with my hair until I felt sleep come for me.

“I miss you, mommy. It’s nice up here in heaven! He’s taking good care of me, mommy. You don’t have to worry. He told me to watch over you and see if you’re happy or what. Don’t worry mommy, I’m going to keep you safe now. I love you, mommy!”