Paint Me an Image
Selfless.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered to Matt as we laid in his bunk. "There's just so much drama going on with me. I feel bad that you're involved in this," I told him as I ran my finger's over his buzzed off hair.
Matt sighed and nodded, his fingers on my stomach. "I know you're sorry," he murmured. He didn't say anymore after that.
I closed my eyes. I didn't know what more to say. There was so much drama surrounding my life and I felt horrible that I brought it back with me, and started even more between the guys. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to tear apart a group of friends, a band, or a family. This was my fault and in the bottom of my heart I knew that I had to do something about everything.
"Matt," I said boldly as I looked up to his eyes. "I need to fix this."
Matt furrowed his eyebrows. "Are you talking about..." he pointed to my stomach. I felt sick at the thought, automatically, and shook my head quickly.
"I would never kill it," I told him, taking his mind off of the subject quickly.
He nodded, respecting my decision either way. I smiled at his gratefully and pressed my lips against the scruff on his cheek. "I meant," I continued, "about the awkward situation surrounding the guys, including Matty."
Matt bit his lip. I knew he was hiding a scowl. He nodded anyways. "What do you want to do?" he asked.
"First of all, I want to go to the doctor. Then I'm going to call Matty. He deserves to know, no matter whose child it is," I choked out the last part, still feeling uncomfortable with the fact that I was pregnant with someone's baby.
Matt was silent, watching me as I spoke. "It's not fair to either of you, Matt," I told him, unsure of what I wanted to say but knowing I felt like had to say something. His fingers were now curled around mine and that made me feel even worse. I wanted him to be mad at me. To yell at me like he used to and to get me so riled up so that I'd yell at him too.
It wasn't that I was uncomfortable around this side of Matt. I just wasn't used to it. I sighed once again and climbed over Matt. He looked at me oddly and grabbed my arm so that I wouldn't fall out of his bunk.
I smiled at him in thanks and walked out to the "living room" lightly. The guys were all sitting around on the couches, talking about random things. When I walked in, they looked up at me, their gazes cautious. I smiled lightly and walked over, sitting between Zacky and Andre. I leaned my head against Dre's shoulder and looked up at him with a puppy dog face. He was still mad at me now that the "mini-truce" between the guys was over.
I knew Zacky was slightly pissed to so I reached over and took his hand. "I'm sorry," I told both of them, then repeated it to the rest of the guys. I shook my head. "I realize that I don't think about other people when I'm making decisions..." I trailed off, thinking about what I was going to say. "But um, for the last 10 years I've never had to look out for anyone but myself." I shrugged.
"That's not an excuse, Image," Zacky said bluntly, moving his eyes to meet mine.
I nodded automatically. "I know," I replied, "I know, trust me. But from now on, I'm going to do what's right for other people instead of myself. I need to be more selfless because I want all of you guys in my life, but I want you to want to be here too."
I looked into the eyes of the guys around me. Xavier smiled at me cooly, he wasn't in on the drama but he could feel the tenseness surrounding all of us. I smiled at him and nodded my head, letting him know that he was going to be included in my life too.
I looked to Brian as he smiled at me. "It's not that we don't want to be in your life, Im," he told me simply. "It's just that, we don't know anything about you anymore."
I nodded. "Yeah. I think we can change that, Bri. I'm also going to be more open with you guys. You deserve it." My fingers were still tangled with Zacky's so I turned my attention to him and nudged him with my elbow. "What about you?" I asked, "What do you want to know?"
Zack looked to me. "What are you going to do first?" he questioned quietly.
I looked to the floor and spoke with bold words, honest words. "Go to the doctor." I looked up to meet Zacky's eyes. "Then call your brother."
Zack squeezed my hand and nodded. He and I both knew that it was the right thing to do. Zack stood up, my finger's still laced with his. I looked at him like he was crazy.
"Where are you going?" I asked as he tried to pull me up off of the couch.
Zack nodded towards the bus door, "We just passed a doctor's office. I figured we could turn this bus around and head back there."
My mouth was dry. "Now?"
Zacky shrugged, "Now is a good time as ever."
Matt sighed and nodded, his fingers on my stomach. "I know you're sorry," he murmured. He didn't say anymore after that.
I closed my eyes. I didn't know what more to say. There was so much drama surrounding my life and I felt horrible that I brought it back with me, and started even more between the guys. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to tear apart a group of friends, a band, or a family. This was my fault and in the bottom of my heart I knew that I had to do something about everything.
"Matt," I said boldly as I looked up to his eyes. "I need to fix this."
Matt furrowed his eyebrows. "Are you talking about..." he pointed to my stomach. I felt sick at the thought, automatically, and shook my head quickly.
"I would never kill it," I told him, taking his mind off of the subject quickly.
He nodded, respecting my decision either way. I smiled at his gratefully and pressed my lips against the scruff on his cheek. "I meant," I continued, "about the awkward situation surrounding the guys, including Matty."
Matt bit his lip. I knew he was hiding a scowl. He nodded anyways. "What do you want to do?" he asked.
"First of all, I want to go to the doctor. Then I'm going to call Matty. He deserves to know, no matter whose child it is," I choked out the last part, still feeling uncomfortable with the fact that I was pregnant with someone's baby.
Matt was silent, watching me as I spoke. "It's not fair to either of you, Matt," I told him, unsure of what I wanted to say but knowing I felt like had to say something. His fingers were now curled around mine and that made me feel even worse. I wanted him to be mad at me. To yell at me like he used to and to get me so riled up so that I'd yell at him too.
It wasn't that I was uncomfortable around this side of Matt. I just wasn't used to it. I sighed once again and climbed over Matt. He looked at me oddly and grabbed my arm so that I wouldn't fall out of his bunk.
I smiled at him in thanks and walked out to the "living room" lightly. The guys were all sitting around on the couches, talking about random things. When I walked in, they looked up at me, their gazes cautious. I smiled lightly and walked over, sitting between Zacky and Andre. I leaned my head against Dre's shoulder and looked up at him with a puppy dog face. He was still mad at me now that the "mini-truce" between the guys was over.
I knew Zacky was slightly pissed to so I reached over and took his hand. "I'm sorry," I told both of them, then repeated it to the rest of the guys. I shook my head. "I realize that I don't think about other people when I'm making decisions..." I trailed off, thinking about what I was going to say. "But um, for the last 10 years I've never had to look out for anyone but myself." I shrugged.
"That's not an excuse, Image," Zacky said bluntly, moving his eyes to meet mine.
I nodded automatically. "I know," I replied, "I know, trust me. But from now on, I'm going to do what's right for other people instead of myself. I need to be more selfless because I want all of you guys in my life, but I want you to want to be here too."
I looked into the eyes of the guys around me. Xavier smiled at me cooly, he wasn't in on the drama but he could feel the tenseness surrounding all of us. I smiled at him and nodded my head, letting him know that he was going to be included in my life too.
I looked to Brian as he smiled at me. "It's not that we don't want to be in your life, Im," he told me simply. "It's just that, we don't know anything about you anymore."
I nodded. "Yeah. I think we can change that, Bri. I'm also going to be more open with you guys. You deserve it." My fingers were still tangled with Zacky's so I turned my attention to him and nudged him with my elbow. "What about you?" I asked, "What do you want to know?"
Zack looked to me. "What are you going to do first?" he questioned quietly.
I looked to the floor and spoke with bold words, honest words. "Go to the doctor." I looked up to meet Zacky's eyes. "Then call your brother."
Zack squeezed my hand and nodded. He and I both knew that it was the right thing to do. Zack stood up, my finger's still laced with his. I looked at him like he was crazy.
"Where are you going?" I asked as he tried to pull me up off of the couch.
Zack nodded towards the bus door, "We just passed a doctor's office. I figured we could turn this bus around and head back there."
My mouth was dry. "Now?"
Zacky shrugged, "Now is a good time as ever."
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:) I've finally updated.I've tried to write for this a lot but it was never good enough, I didn't think.
I know that sounds like a poor excuse but it's true. I reread this whole thing and I've realized that I've made a lot of errors in it, to a point where I wouldn't read it if I hadn't written it, but I'm going back to fix them. I hope you'll stay interested in this. It would mean a lot.