I Fell in Love With a Dead Boy

God please don’t tell me this has been in vain,
I need answers from all the waiting I’ve done.

Redundant had just finished playing in my ears and Church on Sunday just began to pound in my I-pod headphones.
“Today is the first day of the rest of our lives…” I sang along out loud in the car without realising. Mike and Billie turned to smirk at me.
“What?” I snapped. “It’s a good song”
“I know I wrote it” Billie smirked.
“Oh shut up” I spat, turning the volume down.
We were currently on our way to the hospital; thank God Billie had agreed to come with me to see Gerard . I don’t think I can ever be alone with Mike again after what happened yesterday. Billie sighed and turned to Mike once more to continue talking about this new band he had just signed to Adeline. I couldn’t look Mike in the eye, but I could feel his eyes on me every other time he would look in the rear view mirror of the car.
I couldn’t shake off the sneaking suspicion that the both of them were hoping things would go wrong and they would get to punch the New Jersey singer, recovering from an overdose or not.
I sighed and snuggled deeper into Billie’s chest, he had that soft blue jumper on that I was planning to rob one day. I loved that jumper.
“Nervous?” he asked.
“Nope” I answered truthfully

Bloodshot deadbeat and a lack of sleep
Making your mascara bleed
Tears down your face
Leaving traces of my mistakes

We pulled up to the hospital, my heart plummeted. I was getting nervous now. Asking at reception and following Billie and Mike down to Gerard’s room was dreamlike. The bright lights and sanitary smell of the surroundings made my stomach lurch. I clutched Billie’s hand tightly as we turned the corner and I caught sight of Mikey, Alicia and a blonde woman whom I assumed was Gerard’s mother talking worriedly outside a room.
As we got nearer to them they smiled at us sadly and waved, hugging Alicia and Mikey I turned to the lady who was eyeing me with interest.
“Fia this is Donna, my mom.”
I smiled at her as she shook my hand, she was eyeing me closely, someone obviously had told her I was the girl who Gerard wrote his letter to.
“Mom this is Fia, Billie and Mike, they were on the tour, you know Green Day?”
Donna smiled, “I know who Green Day are Mikey.”
She smiled a toothy red-rimmed grin at us, her eyes not leaving my face.
“He’s just asked to be left alone for a while; I don’t know whether you want to see if he’s in the mood or…”
Mikey smiled at me, “You go in Fia…”
I tilted my head questioningly, “If he doesn’t want to see anyone then…”
“Nah” Alicia flapped her hand, “You go in…”
I turned to Mike and Billie,
“Go on Fia, we’ll get a coffee with these guys” Billie smiled. Donna gave me a nod, her eyes shining at me in an emotion I couldn’t place.
“Hang on, is that wise?” Mike asked, causing the five of us to look at him.
“Shouldn’t someone go in with her?” My heart dropped to my chucks.
Billie and Mikey frowned at each other, “Err…I dunno” my Uncle sighed.
“Guys I’m fine by myself” I snapped quite abruptly as Donna’s eyes continued to watch me.
“Yeah best leave them alone huh Mike?” Mikey frowned at the bassist, visibly confused.
“Come on then, lets leave em’ to it” Alicia grinned.
I swallowed a small smile and turned to the door as the five of them walked off down the corridor. I felt my hand shake, this was exact position I stood in a week ago when he had overdosed. Fuckin Mike why does he have to make things so complicated?
I looked up at the door and knocked slowly before opening it in a way that suggested minimal force would knock it from it's hinges.

“I said I kinda wanna be left alone... God.”
Gerard’s voice floated from underneath a pile of blankets. The room consisted of his bed in the centre, a small table at the end with a television, 3 chairs at the side of the bed and a small cabinet with water placed on it. Deciding that this wasn’t a good idea I turned,
“Do you want to be alone?” I asked him, making for the door…
I heard the rustle of moving fabric, “Fia?”
I smiled at his voice verbalizing my name.
“No…I want you here, I…I want to talk to you.” He whispered from under the bed linen. I slowly walked over to the bed. His eyes daggering me with a mixture of shock and excitement.
“You came to see me?” He asked, like a child addressing Father Christmas.
“Of course” I smiled back heading for a chair.
“Hey no, sit here…” he smiled patting the mattress he was laying across.
I smiled shyly and sat down on the edge of the mattress. I turned to look at him, his hair skewed against the pillow, his face so white.
He reached out with his right hand and enveloped my own with it. I looked down at his hand, a drip emerging from the pale flesh. I lifted my head back up to his, he was staring at me. His eyes wide, serious and glossed with tears, I swallowed, he had never looked a me with such an intense emotion before.

“Fia…” his voice croaked.
“Fia…I love you.”
My body jerked at the words that had just passed his mouth. A small smile perked at the edge of his sore dry lips.
“If I could start again I would. If I could take everything back I would, everything I have ever done or said that hurt you, I’m sorry. I wish it had never happened.”
He made to sit up but I placed my palm on his duvet-covered chest.
“Stay there” I whispered, not daring to look at his face.
I could sense him smiling at me, “I understand if you don’t feel the same about me, I understand perfectly, you deserve someone perfect and…I hope you find them. But Fia, my wasted heart will love you none the less.”
I removed his hand from my own, a tender pressure he had generated during his speech made my stomach turn.
He snapped his arm back to his side, watching me, waiting for my response. I fiddled with my hands, not quite knowing what to say to him.

He cleared his throat, “Fia…I understand…”
“I don’t want perfect Gerard, I want you. You stuck out like a sore thumb on that tour. You were the most beautiful sore thumb I had ever seen, but you stuck out and you made an impression on me. You aren’t like the others, hell you aren’t like other people in general.” I smirked and I could sense him blink in amusement.
“… I saw something in you; you were trying to be something you weren’t. I wanted to be with the real Gerard…her, she turned you into something you weren’t.” I finally looked up at him.
He smiled at me, eyes shining.
“You’re never wrong you know.”
“I’m never right” I sighed.
“What does that mean?” he asked making to grab at my hand again.
“I’m never right because I fell in love with you and that’s not right.”
Gerard smiled and I lay down beside him, my head resting on his chest. He smelled like I remembered, he felt like I remembered. Nothing had changed.

“I never stopped thinking about you” he croaked after a moment of contemplative silence.
“That’s because you had that constant pain in you’re jaw from Mike to remind you” I whispered back.
Gerard groaned, “I am terrified of Mike. I guess everyone knows?”
“Yep, everyone knows” I sighed.
“Oh Shit Billie Joe will kill me” He groaned, “But your worth a killing Fia.”
I rolled my eyes at him, “Gerard I don’t think Billie will do anything while your laying in a hospital bed.”
Gerard didn’t say anything, but I felt him wince underneath my head.
I giggled softly, “Am I hurting you?”
“No, lie here with me, I like it.”
So we did, we lay there together for a few moments and it felt wonderful, but then my mind began working again, I began to get restless, I had to tell him, I had to ask him about THAT letter.

“I got given your letter”
I felt Gerard freeze underneath me.
“Oh”
“If you’d have succeeded in your plans I don’t know what I would have done.”
Gerard stayed silent, his grip on my arm tightening.
“I’m sorry…”
“You should have come to me, said something.”
“I thought you had moved on, forgotten about me, I’m so stupid…”
“You’re not stupid and I could never forget about you like that.” I sighed, raising myself up form his chest.
He lifted his weak hand and stroked my cheek.
“I am stupid, because dying would’ve meant being apart from you and I never want to be apart form you again.”
I leant in towards him, kissing his lips softly, he moaned, pulling me down on top of him, his fingers wrapping around my hair.
I pulled away from him slowly, our lips parting from each other regrettably,
“I love you” he whispered.
“I love you too.” I smiled back.
“Stay with me a while” he winced sitting up slightly.
“I’m not going anywhere” I whispered back wrapping myself around him.

And it was true, I wasn’t leaving these arms for a good while, there was so much time that had been wasted. My Dead boy had been brought back to life and I was here to help him live it.
However there was that minor problem consisting of Mr. Dirnt.