What Makes It Wrong for Us to Fall in Love?

"Put me down!" Pat yelled at Garrett who had him slung over his shoulder.

"Gare, give me the fucking streamers!" Jared demanded.

"Jared, come back!" Eric came screaming.

"Halvo, wait!" Nick ran after him.

I hid myself in Jawn's chest, and the moment my head hit him, his arm immediately clung around me.. It was like a his defence mechanism for me. He sort of developed that over the few weeks he was home and not away from tour.

He learned how to cope with my crying unlike the first time he's ever seen me cry.

Remember? The whole God, no wonder Kenny couldn't take you. episode. He didn't know how to fix me. So I left before I could even let him try.

They all shut up to seeing me quietly pull off from Jawn and stared.

Eric's jaw was the first one to return to his mouth and he shook his shock off.

"The birthday girl's here!" Eric announced.

"Jess!" Pat squealed as he forced Garrett to let go of him.

Jawn pulled off from me more and let Pat at me.

"Jess, oh my God, I missed you so much!" He tackled me into a hug. "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you!"

"I missed you too, Pat." I returned his hug.

"Happy birthday!" Garrett joined in and made it a group hug.

Nick and Eric joined in too.

"Guys--"

"Stop, stop, the birthday girl can't fucking breathe." Jawn pulled everyone off me.

"You're pretty." Nick complemented.

"You too." I joked.

"Pretty? Can it, Santinose, she's fucking hot!" Eric answered.

"Both of you shut up, she's beautiful." Pat beamed at me.

"I agree." Garrett smiled at me.

"Jess!"

"Oh no." I didn't even try to run.

Soon enough I was on the floor with two bodies fighting over getting to hug me.

"I missed you too?" I joked.

"Jess, I missed you!" John whined. "I've got so much to tell you! But we'll talk later, I have to decorate." He got up.

I tried to get up but Brian held me down. He was just lying there, hugging me. "Jess, I missed you so much! Don't ever leave me like that again!"

Josh, however, just watched and patiently waited for his turn.

Brian got up, brushed himself off and beamed at me. "I bought you a birthday cake!"

"Awesome." I beamed back.

I turned to Josh, seeing as John and Brian got over seeing me and went back to the living room.

He held his arms open and waited. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." I went over and hugged him.

"Aw man, I really missed you." Josh muttered.

"I missed you too, don't worry." I pulled off.

"Jess!"

"Jared, my man!" I bro-fisted him as I pulled away from Josh. "What's up?!"

"Stephen and I cooked!" Jared happily exclaimed as he hugged me.

"Mmmm," I mumbled against his chest. "I missed your hugs, oh my God."

"I miss having someone tell me they like my hugs," He joked as he tightened his arms around me. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too!"

I finally pulled away and smiled at him.

He repeated his first statement. "Stephen and I cooked!"

"Good to know you didn't burn the kitchen down." I laughed.

"Hey, I actually know how to cook. It was Stephen I had to watch!" He pretended to roll his eyes.

The crowding over me died down and they all went back to putting streamers around the Gomez living room because Jawn took me 30 minutes too early and they loved to procrastinate.

"It looks like fucking prom." Jawn commented as we got to the living room after he took my hand and dragged me out of the hall.

"Well, maybe you should've decorated!" Garrett complained as he threw a pack of streamers to Jawn.

Jawn caught it before it hit him. "You ass, it's nice."

"You're good at catching things." Pat commented. He looked around his area and picked up a pair of scissors. Then he threw it at Jawn.

"Pat, you wanna fuck me up?!" Jawn yelled as he looked at the wall the scissors hit after Pat threw it when he avoided it.

"No, I was thinking you were gonna catch it."

"Pat, what if it hit Jess?!" Jawn scolded. "She could've gotten hurt!"

"I'm sorry." Pat guiltily looked down.

"Are you here to intentionally make Pat feel bad or are you here to help us decorate?" Garrett looked back at Jawn and walked down the ladder.

Jawn shrugged. "Either."

"Ass," Garrett called.

So Jawn plumped down onto the couch as I did a second later. He started drumming on his leg. Probably bored.

"So what do I do," I asked him.

"Sit there and look pretty." He answered with a shrug. "

"I'm bored," I groaned.

"Then I'll sing to you," He laughed. "Unless you want Kenny to sing for you."

"I don't wanna hear you guys sing," I turned to Jawn. "Something feels weird around here."

"What?"

"Well--"

"Jessie, baby!" Josh jumped onto the couch and hugged me all over again.

I didn't hold back and hugged him as tight as I could've. "Joshikins!"

"Baby, I missed you! A lot!" He pulled off and kissed my forehead, then he kissed my cheek, he kissed my nose. He took my hand and kissed it too. "Man! You promised me you were never gonna leave me, Jess, what the fuck happened?!" He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder like Garrett most probably did with Pat earlier when Jawn and I got there. Then he ran off to the back door, not even excusing us from everyone else in the house. He kicked the door open and put me down gently. He beamed at me. "I'm sorry, I just really want time with you because I really missed you like fuck."

"It's fine, I also wanted to hang with you."

"Jess, I really really missed you."

"Yeah." I watched him sit down. So I sat down in between his legs on the dry grass.

He leaned on the back of my head. "So what do you wanna know,"

"What I wanna know?" I mumbled.

"Yeah," He answered. "Don't you wanna know how we've been during the year?"

"Oh, yeah." I said. "Go on."

"So. I found out what happened from Stephen. Because John and Brian and I went home before we got too drunk, Pat and Garrett ran off to Gayland or somewhere I don't know, and Jared went off after them to make sure they didn't do anything crazy like.. You know."

"Oh my God, that is crazy! They'll never--"

"Yeah, we know, but Jared had to make sure. Looking back on that, maybe I should've kept an eye on you.." He waited for a second to see if I knew what he meant. I did, but I didn't make any remark. "Why did you sleep with John O', Jess,"

I pouted. I knew he thought it was wrong. I knew he wasn't proud because of what I did.

"I found out from Stephen." He sighed. "I was at Stephen's house with Brian and John, I was sleeping on the couch when Stephen just came in. He was in so much rage, he ran to his room and took your drawer out. Then he ran to your house and threw it on your fucking porch. Then he ran back to me, and cried and broke down. I had no idea what was wrong. So I even joked about me sleeping with Charlotte that night which I actually did. He was like a girl. I didn't know what to do, like.. Fuck, I just held him. I never held him like that before. Ever. I never even hugged that dude. But I love him to death, and since John and Brian were terrible with hangovers, I took care of him.

"He was all," He mimicked what he was saying was how Stephen sounded. "She.. Slept.. With.. Jawn.. I.. Thought.. She.. Loved me.. Why was I.. So.. Fucking.. Stupid.. I can't.. Believe.. She could.. Hurt me.. Like.. That.. I would've.. Understood.. If it was.. Kennedy.. But.. Fucking.. No.. It was.. Jawn.. Fucking John O'Callaghan the fif.. The fifth.. Fuck.. I didn't even.. Know.. They had a.. Fucking.. Thing.. Josh, fuck! Why am I.. So.. Fucking.. Stupid?! Fucking Tumblr.. It.. Fucking ruined.. Everything.. I could've lived.. The rest of.. My fucking life.. Not knowing.. Fuck.. Josh, kill me.. Kill me.. Kill me now.. So of course, I asked him what he did. He kept crying and told me he broke up with you.

"I was like.. Surprised. I mean.. First: He's been in love with you for so fucking long already! And when he finally got you, he'd just fucking break up with you? Second is how he's blaming this on Tumblr. But I figured it out all on my own and I'm proud of myself. He blamed Tumblr because if he didn't find out from Tumblr, if he had only found out from you, he would've tried to understand. But no, he found out from a fucking blog site and it spread like shit before he could've had anything under control. So he blamed Tumblr because if it weren't for it, then he wouldn't have freaked out and hurt you and ended up sucking Charlotte's face off that night.. Alright. And then third.. Oh my God. Third: You slept with John O'Callaghan. Fucking John O'Callaghan, Jess! I know you when you're drunk, you'd never do something stupid like that unless you actually wanted it! Jess, did you want it?"

"Josh,"

"Answer me."

"Josh,"

"Jess, answer the fucking question--"

"I don't know!" I cried. "Josh, I don't know why I slept with him! I didn't want him, Josh, I swear to God."

"Don't swear to God, Jess! Swear to me!"

"I swear to you, Josh."

"Wait, fuck." He stopped raising his voice. "I'm sorry. It just sort of hurts recalling how Stephen was that morning. It was crazy. I tried to do everything to make him stop crying but he wouldn't. He decided he didn't want me to see him at his worst so he ran to his room and curled up in a corner. He blasted Ryan Adams and cried and cried all day. It was crazy. I stayed there and watched him. I know, I should've done something, but nothing was gonna work with him."

"You really wanna make me feel bad?"

"No, I'm just telling you the truth."

"But you know the truth hurts."

"But the truth always wins, Jess. I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"Stephen left a message at the phone at my place earlier.. He said something about a heart attack?"

"Ooh," Josh sounded worried. "Yeah. He, uhm.. He had a heart attack that morning. I took him to the hospital on time though, John and Brian never found out about it. The other one, he had when he was trying to write."

"You took care of him, right?"

"Of course. I stayed at the Gomez house all the time and watched him will John kept the house in shape. You taught him good."

"Aw,"

"But Jess," He shifted to a serious mood again. "Jess.. I just wanna ask you.. Did.. Did you miss me? Us?"

"Josh, what kind of a question is that," I turned back to face him. "You've gotta be kidding me."

"No," He frowned and made sure I could see his big blue eyes. "I'm serious, did you even miss us? Because we missed you like fuck."

"I missed you guys a lot too. I missed you beyond words. You guys meant the world to me.. Being away from you was terrible.. But we had to cope."

"Did you take care of yourself?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Jawn did. And his brothers. And his parents."

"Hope you didn't cause them trouble."

"Too late to sort of say that."

"Stephen's been miserable without you," Josh suddenly said. "The last time I saw him smile was at blood on his wrist when he tried to kill himself and fucking failed. And it was just a sarcastic one. The last time I've heard him laugh was at himself when he flushed Jess the goldfish down his toilet. Then he cried. He moped around the house all year. And the band really had trouble. So thanks to Brian. He was really smart, he gets mad props for the hiatus idea. I'll admit it.. The band's been waiting on you. And Stephen. We were waiting for you guys to make up. It sounds insensitive, I know, but.. Ah, we just really missed having you two around. It's weird. When I see Stephen, I feel the need to see you with him. And vice versa. But since your twentieth birthday, everything just got fucked so there were huge adjustments to be made.

"It was okay thought, we learned new shit; Like, how to grow up or something like that, how.. Things won't always be the same. But we can hope! And we did! And we're a few hours away to getting things back to the way they were,"

"Josh," I quietly stopped him. "I'm.. I'm scared."

"Jessie, what are you scared of?"

"I don't know, I'm not as confident as you guys are when I think about getting things back to the way they were.. What if it never happens? What if I burned too big a hole and nothing can patch it up? What if I cut too deep and--"

"Jess, come on." He made me look at him. "Think positive!"

"It's so hard to,"

"No!" He said with a smile. "Everything's easy, go with it. Believe me! Stephen's still in love with you. What's gonna go down is you and Stephen are gonna make up, write beautiful songs together about this whole experience, and then the band's gonna get it on again, and everything will be fine! Jess, look at the brighter side of things!"

I pouted at him.

"Nawh, Jessie baby. You gotta smile." He put the tips of his index fingers on the corner of my lips and forced my lips into a curve. "Everything's going to be fine. Don't you dare not fucking believe me when I say it. Everything's gonna be fine." He pulled his fingers away from me, and oddly enough, the smile stayed.

"I really missed having you around."

That little talk ended with Garrett yelling at Jawn, something about fucking things up.

I got up and helped Josh up as well and we ended our little conversations casually as we walked back inside.

Then I was walking down the hall to the kitchen when I realized I haven't seen Kennedy yet.

Before I started looking for him, before I found him.. He found me.

Our eyes met for a moment, but we both looked off.

I really did want to talk to him so I didn't go anywhere anymore, just waiting for Kennedy to have been the first one to speak.

"H.." He bit his lip then continued nervously. "Hey."