Have Faith in Me

Matt couldn’t control the constant shake coursing through him, as he sat in the waiting room and sipped at the coffee Zack and Brian had brought to him only moments before. Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan had arrived no more than twenty minutes ago, and those who weren’t immediate family were quickly shooed from the room by Jimmy. It was only after Matt left that he realized he should have argued the dismissal.

“I hate this. I really, really do.”

“Bro, calm down. She’s with her family. She’s safe with them. Everything’s okay.”

“I know she’s safe with them. That’s not the point. The point is that I’m here, she’s in there, and I can’t be with her. I feel like…I feel like I’m abandoning her again or something.”

Matt sighed in frustration, placing his still half-full coffee cup on the floor, and burying his face in his hands. He made an internal promise to himself that he wasn’t going to leave her anymore, and breaking that promise was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt horrible, even more so than before, and it was with a great amount of self-control that he didn’t just march right back into that room and yell at its occupants for stealing her away.

“Well, first of all, that’s physically impossible, Matt,” Zack relayed to his friend.

“And how is that?” Matt mumbled back, jumping a little when the green-eyed man laid a hand on his back.

“Because you never abandoned her to begin with. Sure, you said some pretty…hurtful things. I’ll be the first to tell you that. But you never left her. The fact that you’re here now says it all.”

“I just hate not being with her right now, Zee. I’m not trying to be selfish at all. I know Ma and Pop need to see her,” Matt said, earning a half-hearted smile from Zack at the affectionate names he used for his in-laws. “But it just is killing me to be away when all I want to do is hold her hand and touch her belly.”

Zack nodded a little, understanding how difficult it was. He glanced over at his boyfriend, who was sitting directly across from them and talking quietly with Johnny, and he couldn’t help but think about how absolutely dreadful it would be had Brian been driving that car. Zack knew for a fact he wouldn’t be able to hold it together as well as Matt was. Sure, the hazel-eyed man was pretty much crumbling as the moments passed, but he was quite strong considering the circumstances. Putting himself in that situation, Zack was certain he would have already had a nervous breakdown and probably been put in a bed right next to his lover.

“Just hold it together for a little while longer, okay? I’m sure they’ll let you back in soon.”

Matt nodded, leaning down to pick up his cup and sipping at it once more. He leant back and rested his head against the wall behind him, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

“She’s never going to forgive me,” He voiced, after a few intense moments of thought.

“What do you mean?”

“After what I did, after everything I’ve done; Zack, she’s never going to forgive me.”

“Oh, no, don’t say that. Of course she will. You guys have had your problems in the past and--”

“Problems?” Matt interrupted. “This is far worse than just ‘problems’, Zack. She could have been killed. Our unborn child could have been killed. That’s all on me.”

“I know this is worse than anything that’s happened before, but you guys love each other. You can work through this stuff. You both just need…I don’t know. Help.”

“Help?” Matt questioned, confusion etched into his features.

“Yeah, help; like, maybe a marriage counselor would do you some good. It’s obvious what you’re doing now isn’t working out too well,” Zack told him. “And I’m going to say this and I’m not trying to be an ass, but maybe you could use some anger management, Matt.”

“What?” Matt exclaimed. “I don’t need no fucking anger management, Zack.”

Zack only looked at him, as did Brian and Johnny from across the room.

“Are you sure about that?” Brian questioned with a chuckle. Matt glanced over at the older man with a scowl.

“Okay, so maybe I need some kind of help with my anger. But I’m not going to some crackpot who makes me stand up and talk about my feelings to a room full of strangers. That’ll only make me angrier.”

“There are plenty of people you can talk to, bro. You can do one-on-one therapy. I’m just saying you need to do something about it. This should be proof of that.” Zack gestured to the room surrounding them, and Matt nodded reluctantly.

“I know, I know. But here’s the thing: Jessie needs therapy, too. You can’t tell me her cutting herself is any better than me lashing out like I do.”

Zack considered this. “You’re probably right. There are a lot of things you guys need if you want to keep your marriage alive.”

“I agree. All right,” Matt paused, gathering his thoughts for a moment. “Here’s how it’s going to be: I’ll go to fucking stupid ass anger management, if Jess goes and gets help for her depression and all that jazz. Does that sound like a good deal?” Matt looked to all three men for their opinion.

Brian, Zack, and Johnny looked between one another, having a silent debate, before smiles crossed their faces.

“I think that sounds good, man,” Johnny said first.

Zack clapped him on the back, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Our boy is growing up.”

Matt smirked, quirking a brow. “Who are you calling ‘boy’? I’m fucking five months older than you.”

“Yeah, but see, I’ve already mastered the art of logic. You only just did now.” Zack smiled triumphantly, to which the other men in the room gave hearty laughs.

“If I didn’t love you, I’d probably slap you upside your head for being such a dork,” Matt said, while Brian and Johnny nodded their heads in agreement. “But seriously, thanks. I was just ready to freak the fuck out and you guys calmed me down. I need to learn to control that myself.”

“Well, that’s what anger management will help you to do.” Zack clapped him on the back again. “And besides, that’s what we’re here for.”

Matt flashed him a grateful smile. “I just hope now that I’ve decided to get some help that maybe--”

Matt stopped, and was quick to stand when the familiar, lanky form of Jimmy emerged from the back and darted over to them.

“Guys,” Jimmy blurted out. “You have to come, quick.”

Matt’s eyes widened. “What’s going on?”

The drummer, who was inexplicably out of breath, shook his head. “Just come on.”

He tugged Matt’s arm roughly, and then turned and made a dash for the emergency room doors once again. Matt followed, just as that horrible knot reformed itself in his stomach.