Soulmates

Sierra's POV

It's been a month since I'd last seen Brian . A month since I probably broke his heart and forced him to hate me . And even though it hurt like hell , somehow I thought that maybe it was better that way ...

We had no further news on Noel . We had no idea how to track him down , so all we could do was be extra - protective , of both ourselves and each other . And wait ...

The tour would start again today , and to say I was nervous would be an understatement . I had absolutely no idea what any of the guys in a7x thought of me by now . I was pretty sure , though , that Brian had told them everything . So , I guess , they probably hated me too . Great , a whole bunch of people hated me right now ... Awesome

We all got in the bus and went to our bunks . We had a long road ahead of us , and we all needed to sleep . I took my i-Pod out of my jacket and decided I'd let music drift me to sleep , with the hope that everything would be alright ...

Just like Brian used to say ...

Brian's POV

Today it would mark one month since I last saw HER face . I couldn't bring my self to forget her , no matter how hard I tried , let alone hate her . That was the reason why I resolved to the second option : hating myself ...

At first , it was all about denying the medication . I didn't even take the painkillers . I wanted to feel the pain rush within me . I craved it , because I thought it would be the only thing that could numb my heart ache . However , they guys pushed me to take them , and they frustrated me that badly that inevitably I ended up taking the meds they practically forced down my throat .

So , I had no other choice but drown my pain with alcohol . However , due to the fact that drugs and meds don't really mix perfectly good together , Matt decided I'd stay with him and Val until the time when medication wouldn't be needed .

Those days were some of the worst in my entire life . I had no idea what to do . I wasn't in the mood to even play the guitar . All I could think of was her , and the fact that whatever we had was over . Because we were both stupid , and made each other believe we'd given up . Now , I knew for a fact that I hadn't . I needed her , but I seriously doubted she did . She hadn't called me or texted me , not even once . Obviously she had forgotten everything about me ...

But I couldn't . I couldn't let her go . And soon that feeling in me turned into a stupid self hatred guided towards her . I wanted her to see me suffer , her to know it was all because of her . I felt the desperate need for her to feel the same pain , the same agony that went through every single part of my body the moment I woke up and realized she was gone and never coming back .

So , the minute I stopped being in need of meds , I started my effort to destroy myself . I drank by the time I woke up until I passed out on any of the large couches of my house . I smoked like a maniac all day , from the second I woke up . And of course , I'd returned to my personal beloved , my girl with golden eyes .

Indeed , heroin made everything better . The moment I felt the needle piercing my veins , and the substance rushing through my veins , everything felt like heaven . I didn't feel any hurt , any pain . It was happiness . Sometimes , I'd even see her . Her beautifull face would appear out of nowhere , her brown orbs staring right in mine . She'd even smile at me . The moment I attempted to go near her , though , she'd disappear , leaving me once again all alone , lost in my thoughts and memories .

The guys tried forcing me to stop it . They yelled at me , they brought in anyone they thought could help , even a f*cking psyciatrist , but they couldn't simply understand that I didn't want to be helped . Matt even thought that bringing Michelle would help . Needless to say she exited the house seconds after she got in , probably due to the fact that I was ready to throw an empty bottle of Jack on her ugly , blond head the moment I saw her ...

I understood though . The guys were scared that I'd die , like Jimmy . I f*cking knew that , but I had reassured them that I'd stay alive . F*cked up beyond repair , but alive . I'd still go up on stage making those silly faces the fans seemed to adore , playing riffs I know better than my own name and generally keep everyone pleased . It was my job after all .

Oh , right , I forgot the sex part . I had lost track of the girls that had gone in and out of my bedroom . Some of them might have even been under age . But I didn't care . As long as they were willing to be f*cked , I was okay . I didn't even bother to find out their names . They were all '' Sierras '' to me .

That's right . Every single one of them had at least one characteristic same to Sierra's . The hair , the eyes , the lips , anything that reminded me of her . It was HER name I screamed any time I cummed , it was HER face I saw in my head every single time I f*cked any of them . That was the reason I never wanted them to stay and sleep with me , 'cause not a single one of these wh*res and bimbos could compare to Sierra .

So , that has been my life for the past month . I knew it wasn't the most mature lifestyle , or the most appropriate one for someone like me , but I couldn't care less . Because , as I said , I didn't want to be saved . I couldn't be saved ...

Today though , the tour was starting again . I didn't know how was I supposed to feel . I knew that I'd be seeing Sierra's face again , but I couldn't predict what her's or mine reaction would be . So , all I could do was wait .

We arrived at the venue earlier than we had to . Being the headlining band and all , we'd get to finish with our soundcheck earlier . We took our places on stage , and each one started their warm-ups . After a few minutes , though , we heard a loud noise , and Devilish Grins' bus arrived . I felt a lump forming in my throat , and my heart started beating faster .

We stopped playing whatever we were playing and watched as the four members came out of the bus and headed towards the stage . I spotted Sierra immediately . She looked beautiful as always . She wasn't wearing sun glasses , and even though her eyes looked tired , and I could tell there wasn't a single drop of make-up on her face , she still looked beautiful . On the contrary , I looked like a mess , and felt like one . Even though I had my sunglasses on , I felt pretty sure everyone , and especially Sierra would be able to figure out exactly how I was . And I didn't want that to happen ...

So , I did the first thing that popped in my head . I stood up quickly , dropped my guitar down the floor and left the stage . I received weird looks by anyone I came across with , but I waved them off , trying to reassure them I was okay .

I practically run to our bus and opened the door loudly , sighing in relief as I realised that there was noone else in the bus but me . I walked towards the bunk area , reached just under my bunk , smiling when I found the little box I'd been looking for .

I took it in my hands and opened it , smiling as I saw three small , white bags , the needles positioned right next to them . I took one out , and rushed to the bathroom . I desperately needed my doze right now ... It was the only thing that could help me forget all about her ...

It took me no more than 2 minutes , and I sat back , leaning my back against the wall as I felt everything around me spinning slightly . It was pretty normal , it always feels like that at first , but after a few seconds , my world was filled with happiness . I felt my lips forming a wide smile , and I started laughing , for no obvious reason . I moved to get up , but fell flat on my ass , which only made me laugh more ...

'' What the f*ck are you doing , Gates ? '' I heard Matt snicker , and I raised my head to meet his angry gaze , piercing through me from across the bathroom ...

'' J-just having some fun , Matt ... Chill ... I've got it aaall under c- '' I started slurring a bit , but Matt wouldn't let me finish my sentence ...

'' Under control ? Really that was what you were about to say ? F*ck you man , control is no
where near this madness ! '' Matt said and came closer to me , forcing me to stand on my feet ...

'' What the f*ck , man ? Let me g- '' I tried releasing myself from his grasp , but failed miserably . He kept his hold on me , before he let me go unexpectedly , something that caused my body to hit the floor hard ...

'' Matt what the f*ck are you doing ? Huh ? Gone crazy again somehow ? '' I grunted , grabbing my ribs as I felt the familiar pain rushing through my body ...

'' I'm the crazy one here ? Really Brian? Look at yourself man ... F*cking look at yourself '' Matt said bitterly as he moved and got me up again , forcing me to look at my self in the mirror ...

'' What the hell ? Let me go Matt ... Let me the f*ck go '' I nearly screamed against his grasp , but he kept his ground as he used his one head to keep my head straight in front of the mirror , making sure I couldn't look anywhere else ...

I saw everything everyone had been talking about . The huge black circles beneath my red eyes , my pale skin , my weak arms , every single part of my awefull image . I looked broken . I felt angry , furious at myself , but most importandly I felt disappointed , and on the verge of breaking down . I couldn't stand it anymore ...

'' M-att ... Matt pl-ease ... Let g-o ... I can't stand it ... '' I murmured under my breath , and sighed as I felt him releasing his grip on me ...

We both stood in silence . My eyes were fixed to the floor as I tried to regulate my breathing and not let myself cry ...

'' What's going on , man ? '' Matt asked , calmly this time ...

'' What the f*ck does it look like , Matt ? '' I asked in an annoyed tone ...

'' You f*cking know what I mean ... You've given up on everything ... What the hell man ? You forgot what we all went through when we lost Jimmy ? You think any of us is going to be able to survive if you leave this f*cking world ? You selfish bastard ... '' Matt nearly growled , and I felt myself snapping ...

'' You think I actually want this to be happening ? Matt I can't control it !!! I can't stand anything ever since the moment SHE left ... It's like nothing matters anymore .. And all you guys care about are the f*cking shows ... and the f*cking band and the records and sh*t ... You don't give a rat's a*s about how I f*cking feel ... '' I screamed towards the end , and Matt was staring at me with his mouth open ...

'' Gates what the - '' he tried speaking , but of course I wouldn't let him ...

'' You never liked her ... You f*cking NEVER liked the fact that we were together ... I bet you feel relieved now ... Now that it's ALL f*cking OVER ! You think I can simply go back to the way I was , right ? Married to your wife's sister , pretending that our little heaven is made , when we ALL know for a fact that everything's just LIES ! '' I kept ranting , and I realised that this was the break down , this was all the anger I'd been holding inside me ...

'' You don't understand it , Matt ... Not a single one person can understand how I feel for her ... I f*cking LOVE her ... '' I finished , and wiped the tears that were running down my face while letting out a loud sigh ...

'' That's why I thought I'd destroy myself ... Just to make her see what she did to me ... '' I whispered faintly , and heard Matt cursing under his breath ...

'' Gates , you are not a baby ANYMORE ! You are a man , a f*cking grown man who I believe can make his own choices ... Did you ever think of us ? Man , we are here for you , every single f*cking second of every sigle f*cking day ! You can talk to us ... You know that ... '' he said as he came closer to my face ...

'' You had a choice , man ... You could have come to us ! But you chose the selfish way out of the whole situation ... Drugs , alcohol , women ? You honestly think you can somehow redeem yourself through them ? '' he asked in disbelief , and I simply sneered ...

'' They f*cking help ... And call me selfish , but I don't think I can stand the pain I feel since the day SHE walked away ... And you know why ? Because it wasn't just her f*cking fault , it was mine too .... I f*cking let her do it ... '' I screamed once again , right in Matt's face , before shaking my head laughing quietly ...

'' Nothing matters now , though ... She probably has found another guy by now , and forgotten everything about me ... Why should I care about her anymore , huh ? Why should I be the one constantly aching for her , wanting to be with HER more than anything else ? '' I said bitterly ...

'' So , since my f*cking stubborn heart won't let Sierra out of it , I choose to live in my own f*cking kindom , my f*cking paradise where I feel perfect ... And I don't care that it's phony , I don't give a f*ck about the fact that it's slowly tearing me apart ... All I care about is that , even for a few seconds when I'm in there , I feel exactly the way I felt when I was with her ... '' I finished , and looked down , cursing as I felt the effect of heroin leaving my body and mind ...

Matt didn't say anything , he simply shook his head as he walked out the bathroom , and then out of the bus , slamming the door loudly behind him .

I sighed as I looked towards the ceiling , not knowing what I was supposed to do ...

God , why does it have to hurt so f*cking bad ?

Sierra's POV

The moment we all got out of the bus and started heading towards the stage , we heard a loud bang , and a shadow disappearing from the stage . I knew for a fact whom that shadow belonged to : Brian ...

I , however , chose to keep on walking , until I reached the stage . We all greeted each other , and the guys seemed glad to see us . Well , by guys I meant Johnny and Zacky , seeing that Matt had somehow disappeared as well .

The guys finished their soundcheck , and then we proceeded to do ours . Thank God we finished rather quickly , and chose to relax for the couple of hours that remained until the show started .

I was heading towards our tourbus , when I felt a hand pulling me back . Surprisingly enough I was met with a seriously -pissed looking MShadows ...

'' Uhm , hi Matt ... '' I said , unsure of the way I should react ...

'' Sierra , I need to speak with you ... Do you have a minute ? '' he asked , his tone serious , and I nodded ...

'' Sure , I do ... '' I said , and we both went behind some bus or something ...

'' Uhm , listen ... As you probably have guessed already , this is about Brian ... '' he said slowly , and I furrowed my eyebrows ...

'' What do you mean ? Me and Br- '' I tried saying , but he cut me off ...

'' I don't know what happened between you two ... Brian hasn't said a word to any of us about it since the moment he came back from NYC ... Sierra , you have to help him ... He needs you ... '' Matt somehow pleaded ...

'' Matt , it's complicated ... More complicated than you think ... ''

'' I know you think I'm joking , but I f*cking swear I've never seen him that broken since Jimmy passed away ... I'm worried about him , Sierra ... And I think you are the only person who can save him ... From himself ... '' he said , and I let out a long sigh ...

'' What could I do anyways ? He probably hates me ... '' I said in almost a whisper , and watched as Matt shook his head ...

'' He doesn't hate you , Sierra ... Look , I was the first person who thought Brian was messing with you when he chose to be with you , but believe me ... He really f*cking means it when he says he needs you ... I never believed that would be the case , but it is ... And there's only so much we can do about it ... Just go and talk to him , Sierra ... That's all I'm asking ... '' Matt finished , and I sighed once again ...

'' Okay , Matt ... Where is he now ? '' I said , fearing I'd regret my decision if I thought about it for any longer ...

'' Great .. Uhm , he's in the bus , probably ... I mean that's where I left him ... '' he said , and we both let out a strangled laugh ...

'' Go , Sierra ... Help him , he needs you ... '' I heard Matt say as we both stood up and started heading towards the a7x's bus .

I didn't even realise when I reached the door , and Matt opened it for me . He ushered me inside , and then left , leaving me alone ...

I knew Brian was there . Call me crazy , but I could sense him . The moment I heard the heavy breathing , I knew it was him . I moved towards it , and I finally spotted him .

He was sitting down , his legs spread out , his arms in each side of him and his eyes shut . He was somehow trying to breathe , and he seemed to be having a slight difficulty in doing that ...

My heart was breaking at that sight . Brian looked , well , he looked completely different . He had lost too much weight , he wore three belts . His arms were smallers , the muschles seemingly lost somehow . What shocked me most , though , was his face . His cheekbones were picking out far more than they used to , his whole face was pale .

However , nothing mattered after the moment he opened his eyes and looked at me . His brown orbs , once full of life , now had no light in them , and all they held was pain ...

'' Sending the big guns , now , huh ? '' he snickered as he struggled to stand up . I watched him in horror as he couldn't even get himself up . After some seconds he succeeded , though , and he stood up , looking straight towards me , while still leaning a bit against the wall behind him ...

'' Don't worry doll ... I'm fine ... '' he said bitterly , and smirked at me . But no , that wasn't one of the smirks I loved . It was a twisted expression , that showed nothing but hatred . Hatred guided towards me ...

'' Brian what is this ? '' I asked quietly , and he looked at me weirdly ..

'' This ? What this ? I don't understand ... Elaborate '' he said once again , that malicious tone in his voice ...

'' Why are you doing this ? Why are you trying to destroy yourself ? '' I asked him , not able to contain myself anymore ...

'' Why do you care ? '' he asked back ...

'' Why are you being like this , Brian ? '' I asked back , unable to answer the first question ...

'' You didn't answer my question , so why should I answer yours ? '' he said , still that sick smirk on his face ...

'' You know , what , Brian ? It's not a f*cking game ! You are not alone in this ! Everyone is worried about you , and you are just being selfish ! '' I nearly screamed at him , and watched in horror as his eyes turned into slits ...

'' I have every f*cking right to be ! 'Cause you know what ? Everytime I chose NOT to be , nothing f*cking worked for me ... Only hurt came out of it all ... HURT ! So yeah , forgive me for wanting to think of myself for a change ... '' he screamed at me as he searched in his pocket , and dug out a small , white bag . My eyes widened at the sight . I couldn't believe it , no it wasn't possible . He could smoke , drink , but no ... Not drugs ...

So I reached and grabbed the small bag from his hands , holding it and looking at it in disbelief ...

'' Darling , if you really want one yourself , just ask me ... I've got plenty ... '' he joked , and I couldn't even look at him . I wasn't able to grasp the reality right then . I walked fast towards the bathroom and flashed the damn bag down the toilet .

I hadn't realized that Brian had followed me , and now was holding his head , cursing loudly ..

'' Why the f*ck would you do that , now ? '' he asked , and I looked at him , straight in the eyes ...

'' Why would YOU do that to yourself , Brian ? Damn it , WHY ? Look at me and f*cking answer me ... WHY ? '' I asked desperately , and for a few seconds I saw the old Brian in front of me ... But he was gone once again ...

'' It's none of your business ... '' he said strongly ...

'' Really , Sierra , why do you care ? You f*cking left , you walked away ... What more do you want to do with me ? '' he asked again , and I simply looked at him same way he looked at me ..

'' You walked away as well ... You f*cking left me too ... '' I said strongly , and he rolled his eyes ...

'' You ended us , Sierra ! You f*cking ENDED us ! You booked the flight ! ... '' he screamed , and hurt flashed through his eyes ...

'' You f*cking accepted it ! '' I screamed back ...

'' I thought that was what you f*cking wanted ... You f*cking said you wished you'd never met me ... You f*cking said that , and then what ? Expected me to think that you didn't mean anything ? '' he started saying as I chose to walk away . I couldn't stand this anymore . I heard him growning behind me ...

'' No , Sierra ... Don't f*cking WALK AWAY from me when I'm TALKING TO YOU ! '' he screamed and grabbed my arms fiercely , pinning me against the wall behind me . I felt too scared right then , I only hoped he wouldn't see it .

'' What , you want me to stay ? Stay and watch you destroying yourself ? Is that what you want ? '' I asked him ,and he tightened his hold ...

'' DON'T f*cking interrupt me when I TALK ! You said your sh*t , now it's time for you to listen mine ... '' he said , slightly twisting my arms before raising them and holding them over my head . That wasn't Brian , no , the creature in front of me was a monster ...

'' You really want to know what this is all about ? It's ALL because of you , Sierra ... YOU DID THIS TO ME ! ... '' he screamed in my face and twisted my arms even more , forcing me to let out a scream from the pain ... A scream he didn't seem to notice ...

'' LOOK at me , Sierra ... Look at me ... See what you f*cking CREATED ! '' he screamed once more , and kept on twisting my arms until I couldn't take it anymore ...

'' Brian , please , STOP ... Stop it ... Please ... You are HURTING me !!! '' I screamed at the top of my lungs and felt the tears rushing down my face ...

Brian's POV

Whatever had gotten into me left the moment I heard Sierra's cries , and saw her teart . What the f*ck was I doing ?

I let go of her arms , and felt myself close to tears as I saw her shrieking away from me ...

'' P-lease don't h-urt m-e ... I j-ust w-anted t-o ... '' she tried saying , and I tried touching her , somehow , but she rejected my touch as she quickly stood up and moved to leave ...

'' S-ierra ... I'm s- '' I tried speaking , but she cut my weak voice as she turned and looked at me , her eyes already turning red because of crying ...

'' S-save it ... S-sorry for b-othering y-ou ... '' she said and disappeared out of the bus .
Right then , I collapsed . I brought my head in my heads , and started letting all out . I couldn't stop the tears from flowing , I couldn't even control my breathing . I didn't even f*cking care about breathing right then . I'd hurt her . Psysically . I'd f*cking sworn I'd never hurt her ... I'd f*cking promised her I'd make her feel safe ...

I just wished I simply didn't exist . I didn't want to live , knowing that the woman I was in love with was afraid of me , because I had brought hurt upon her ...

Right f*cking then , the barrel of the gun seemed like the perfect solution ...