For You
Azalia
September 21, 2011
4:15 PM
Location – Amelia Randhurts Office, Oakbrook, Illinois
Azalia
A month in a half goes by, I start school and am known as the girl that Jordan Staal put himself in a coma for, which isn’t a joke. It was like people were back in high school and giving me weird looks as I hear them say, “That’s her, the one the hockey player put himself in a coma for.” Even in class, people would ask me about it.
Didn’t people realize I didn’t want to talk about it?
Jordan was still in a coma and the last I heard was that he was making very little progress. I sighed, I didn’t even bother asking people how he was or looking at the penguins site, because there wouldn’t be an update on his recovery.
I missed him so much.
Seeing Amelia wasn’t any help either, it was like she didn’t even understand how I felt or were I was coming from with my feelings. I get it, she was trying to help, but the one person I knew who could help me with this was in a coma and wasn’t making any progress. It was like I couldn’t freaking win with anything.
“Are you okay Azalia?”
My mother asks me as she drives me to Oakbrook for my appointment with her. No mom, I wasn’t okay, obviously, but you people are acting as if you know how I feel when really, you don’t know. Everything I had was taken away from me in a twelve-hour time span: my view on life, my faith, my hope, and the love of my life who happens to be my best friend. It didn’t help I was having a hard time making friends at school, and that my best friends lived in various parts of the country, so you asking me if I was okay was a stupid idea on your part.
“Yeah,” I lie to her. “I’m fine.”
“If you don’t want to see Amelia today, you can go a different day.”
“We’re half way there as it is mom, there’s clearly no point in going back home now, is there?”
“You know Azalia, I don’t like your attitude lately.”
“You and the rest of the world.”
“Azalia, quit it, I’m sorry your upset, angry, and pissed off, but don’t take it out on everyone else.”
I stop talking after that as we get off of I-355 before pulling into the parking lot of Amelia’s office. My mother was right; I wasn’t being a complete bitch. We don’t say anything, but I feel everything in me raging, as if I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be far away from everyone.
I needed Jordan.
“Now, I know you are holding everything in, but you’re not making progress with Amelia, and the deal was if you make progress with her, you can see Jordan.”
“She has no idea what I’m going through mom! She wasn’t kidnapped, she wasn’t almost raped, she didn’t witness someone she love get stabbed and shot twice and then have them black out in front of you before they went into a coma!”
“Maybe if you opened up to her, she could try to see what you’re going through!”
I get out of the car and follow her into the office. I then sign in at the front desk and sit down, as I watch the little kids play with the toys that are available to them as they give me weird looks. They are probably questioning why a nineteen year old is here to see a social worker while I question why the hell they are here. It was at that given moment I wish I had their problems; they probably weren’t as bad as mine.
“Azalia Marianni.”
I get up as I hear the receptionist call my name. I follow her out of the waiting room and into Amelia’s office. She closes the door and left there alone. I throw my head in my hands. I needed to be somewhere safe, this wasn’t safe, and this was far from safe.
I hear the door open and see Amelia walk in from the creases of my fingers. I watch her close the door in back of her before sitting down and opening my file. “Hey girl,” she smiles, but I don’t say anything. “How are you today?”
“How do you think?” I ask, without looking at her.
“Okay, I guess today was a weaker day then,” she begins, writing it down in her folder. “You had your first day of sophomore year of college the other day, how’d that go?”
“Awful…I’m known as the girl Jordan Staal was put in a coma for…it’s like everyone is back in fucking high school.”
“I’m sorry Azalia.”
“Yeah, well I am too.”
“Why is that?”
“Maybe if I weren’t such a chicken shit the day I arrived in Thunder Bay, I wouldn’t be in your office right now.”
“Azalia, you can’t blame yourself for what happened.”
“Then whom the hell am I supposed to blame?”
She doesn’t say anything to my stupid comment because she knows I’m ragging inside, but I’m trying to hold it in. I watch her take notes down in her folder as I let out a deep breath. “Why do you blame yourself for what happened Azalia?”
“Why? Because I was being stupid because I was afraid of rejection and according to Marc, Jordan loved me, but I wasn’t going to wait around for fucking ever, and like I said, I was being a chickenshit. So because I was being scared, this happened, now he’s in a fucking coma and not making progress. So yeah, that’s why I blame myself.”
“Azalia, him being in a coma isn’t your fault, you can’t blame yourself for an event you had no control over.”
“Oh believe me, I can. If he doesn’t wake up, I will never forgive myself for what happened in that twelve hour time span.”
Amelia doesn’t say anything as she writes down notes in her folder. She dismisses me then and I walk back into the waiting room as my mom goes to speak to her. I sit down and watch the little kids play with their toys as my phone vibrates. I look down to see it was Jared texting me.
“You should smile.”
I look up from my phone to see a little toddler boy staring at me. Great, a toddler was going to tell me to smile more that is when you know for sure your life is awful. “I’ll keep that in mind…uhhh…” I begin, not knowing what to call the kid.
“Marty.”
“I’ll keep that in mind Marty.”
“Whats your name?”
“Azalia.”
“Can I call you Lia?”
I don’t say anything when those words come out of his mouth. It’s like the wind knocked me out. Jordan immediately popped into my mind and I wanted to punch someone or something for it. “I suppose,” I say.
“Do you come here all the time?”
“Once a week, every Tuesday.”
“Me too. Why are you sad?”
“I have my reasons. Are you sad?”
“My Mommy and Daddy are divorced…”
“I’m sorry, I know what it’s like…I don’t remember anything about my dad.”
“Do you miss him?”
“No…he left my family and I.”
“Marty! Don’t talk to strangers!” I hear a younger woman call out.
“It’s fine, he’s kind of making me feel better,” I say, looking at the older woman.
“He’s quite the talker—“
“Marty Willards.”
“SEE YOU NEXT WEEK LIA!” He yells, following the receptionist into the social workers office.
I then see my mother walk out, looking upset, as she tells Amelia we’d be here next week at the same time. We then walk out of the office and into the car, not saying one word to each other. She knows I’m blaming myself for what happened, but she doesn’t want to upset me. “I don’t want to upset you more than you are already Azalia, but I’m going to say this, forgive yourself for what happened and don’t blame yourself anymore.”
I don’t say anything as I keep looking out the window. It was my fault, this whole thing shouldn’t have happened, but it did because of me. I look down at my phone and open the text from Jared, which made me smile a bit before replying and taking a nap while we were stuck in traffic.
Hey you! I just want to say I hope your first few days of school went well and that I miss you like crazy! I’m coming to town soon for hockey and I’m opting to spend the night at your house, so get the junk food ready, GINGER STAAL 2.0 IS COMING INTO TOWN! Love you best friend! I promise you the sun is going rise!
4:15 PM
Location – Amelia Randhurts Office, Oakbrook, Illinois
Azalia
A month in a half goes by, I start school and am known as the girl that Jordan Staal put himself in a coma for, which isn’t a joke. It was like people were back in high school and giving me weird looks as I hear them say, “That’s her, the one the hockey player put himself in a coma for.” Even in class, people would ask me about it.
Didn’t people realize I didn’t want to talk about it?
Jordan was still in a coma and the last I heard was that he was making very little progress. I sighed, I didn’t even bother asking people how he was or looking at the penguins site, because there wouldn’t be an update on his recovery.
I missed him so much.
Seeing Amelia wasn’t any help either, it was like she didn’t even understand how I felt or were I was coming from with my feelings. I get it, she was trying to help, but the one person I knew who could help me with this was in a coma and wasn’t making any progress. It was like I couldn’t freaking win with anything.
“Are you okay Azalia?”
My mother asks me as she drives me to Oakbrook for my appointment with her. No mom, I wasn’t okay, obviously, but you people are acting as if you know how I feel when really, you don’t know. Everything I had was taken away from me in a twelve-hour time span: my view on life, my faith, my hope, and the love of my life who happens to be my best friend. It didn’t help I was having a hard time making friends at school, and that my best friends lived in various parts of the country, so you asking me if I was okay was a stupid idea on your part.
“Yeah,” I lie to her. “I’m fine.”
“If you don’t want to see Amelia today, you can go a different day.”
“We’re half way there as it is mom, there’s clearly no point in going back home now, is there?”
“You know Azalia, I don’t like your attitude lately.”
“You and the rest of the world.”
“Azalia, quit it, I’m sorry your upset, angry, and pissed off, but don’t take it out on everyone else.”
I stop talking after that as we get off of I-355 before pulling into the parking lot of Amelia’s office. My mother was right; I wasn’t being a complete bitch. We don’t say anything, but I feel everything in me raging, as if I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be far away from everyone.
I needed Jordan.
“Now, I know you are holding everything in, but you’re not making progress with Amelia, and the deal was if you make progress with her, you can see Jordan.”
“She has no idea what I’m going through mom! She wasn’t kidnapped, she wasn’t almost raped, she didn’t witness someone she love get stabbed and shot twice and then have them black out in front of you before they went into a coma!”
“Maybe if you opened up to her, she could try to see what you’re going through!”
I get out of the car and follow her into the office. I then sign in at the front desk and sit down, as I watch the little kids play with the toys that are available to them as they give me weird looks. They are probably questioning why a nineteen year old is here to see a social worker while I question why the hell they are here. It was at that given moment I wish I had their problems; they probably weren’t as bad as mine.
“Azalia Marianni.”
I get up as I hear the receptionist call my name. I follow her out of the waiting room and into Amelia’s office. She closes the door and left there alone. I throw my head in my hands. I needed to be somewhere safe, this wasn’t safe, and this was far from safe.
I hear the door open and see Amelia walk in from the creases of my fingers. I watch her close the door in back of her before sitting down and opening my file. “Hey girl,” she smiles, but I don’t say anything. “How are you today?”
“How do you think?” I ask, without looking at her.
“Okay, I guess today was a weaker day then,” she begins, writing it down in her folder. “You had your first day of sophomore year of college the other day, how’d that go?”
“Awful…I’m known as the girl Jordan Staal was put in a coma for…it’s like everyone is back in fucking high school.”
“I’m sorry Azalia.”
“Yeah, well I am too.”
“Why is that?”
“Maybe if I weren’t such a chicken shit the day I arrived in Thunder Bay, I wouldn’t be in your office right now.”
“Azalia, you can’t blame yourself for what happened.”
“Then whom the hell am I supposed to blame?”
She doesn’t say anything to my stupid comment because she knows I’m ragging inside, but I’m trying to hold it in. I watch her take notes down in her folder as I let out a deep breath. “Why do you blame yourself for what happened Azalia?”
“Why? Because I was being stupid because I was afraid of rejection and according to Marc, Jordan loved me, but I wasn’t going to wait around for fucking ever, and like I said, I was being a chickenshit. So because I was being scared, this happened, now he’s in a fucking coma and not making progress. So yeah, that’s why I blame myself.”
“Azalia, him being in a coma isn’t your fault, you can’t blame yourself for an event you had no control over.”
“Oh believe me, I can. If he doesn’t wake up, I will never forgive myself for what happened in that twelve hour time span.”
Amelia doesn’t say anything as she writes down notes in her folder. She dismisses me then and I walk back into the waiting room as my mom goes to speak to her. I sit down and watch the little kids play with their toys as my phone vibrates. I look down to see it was Jared texting me.
“You should smile.”
I look up from my phone to see a little toddler boy staring at me. Great, a toddler was going to tell me to smile more that is when you know for sure your life is awful. “I’ll keep that in mind…uhhh…” I begin, not knowing what to call the kid.
“Marty.”
“I’ll keep that in mind Marty.”
“Whats your name?”
“Azalia.”
“Can I call you Lia?”
I don’t say anything when those words come out of his mouth. It’s like the wind knocked me out. Jordan immediately popped into my mind and I wanted to punch someone or something for it. “I suppose,” I say.
“Do you come here all the time?”
“Once a week, every Tuesday.”
“Me too. Why are you sad?”
“I have my reasons. Are you sad?”
“My Mommy and Daddy are divorced…”
“I’m sorry, I know what it’s like…I don’t remember anything about my dad.”
“Do you miss him?”
“No…he left my family and I.”
“Marty! Don’t talk to strangers!” I hear a younger woman call out.
“It’s fine, he’s kind of making me feel better,” I say, looking at the older woman.
“He’s quite the talker—“
“Marty Willards.”
“SEE YOU NEXT WEEK LIA!” He yells, following the receptionist into the social workers office.
I then see my mother walk out, looking upset, as she tells Amelia we’d be here next week at the same time. We then walk out of the office and into the car, not saying one word to each other. She knows I’m blaming myself for what happened, but she doesn’t want to upset me. “I don’t want to upset you more than you are already Azalia, but I’m going to say this, forgive yourself for what happened and don’t blame yourself anymore.”
I don’t say anything as I keep looking out the window. It was my fault, this whole thing shouldn’t have happened, but it did because of me. I look down at my phone and open the text from Jared, which made me smile a bit before replying and taking a nap while we were stuck in traffic.
Hey you! I just want to say I hope your first few days of school went well and that I miss you like crazy! I’m coming to town soon for hockey and I’m opting to spend the night at your house, so get the junk food ready, GINGER STAAL 2.0 IS COMING INTO TOWN! Love you best friend! I promise you the sun is going rise!
♠ ♠ ♠
Musical Inspiration -- Snow Patrol -- Singal Fireshort chapter, I know, but I wanted you guys to get an idea of what is going on her in head right now. do you guys think she's taking this too hard and shouldn't be blaming herself? will Jordan wake up?
the next chapter will be longer. feedback is always welcomed!