For You

October 19, 2011
Location – Hellhole of School, Chicago Suburbs, Illinois
11:33 AM
Azalia

Another month goes by, there is still no progress on Jordan, so I just tell everyone not to even bother telling me unless it’s good and I don’t even bother looking online or asking people. Amelia and I aren’t making progress, and I honestly want to drop out this semester.

It wasn’t that my grades were bad, if anything my grades were good this semester, but the fact that I had nothing to look forward to made the whole school thing difficult. The weekends sucked because when the boys weren’t in town, I’d be home because I had no other friends, which made me focus on my grades.

Sleeping at night was awful, because I kept replaying the events of what had happened over and over again, then I’d have dreams of Jordan not waking up from the coma, so sleeping wasn’t an option anymore. I lived off coffee and running to keep me energized and somehow I was able to manage just fine by doing all of that.

Makayla is away at school, but she tries to see if I’m okay. I lie to her and tell her I’m fine, but I know she knows I’m lying. Maria and Joe don’t even bother asking me if I’m okay because they know I’ll just lie to them, so they assume I’m upset and going to go blame myself.

People at school were no better. As I said, I had no other friends except for the boys, Tanya, and Lindsay, and kids were still referring me as the girl Staal put himself in a coma for. It’s now at the point were I tune everyone out and I just walk away with either a sour look on my face or plaster a big fake smile for everyone so they think I’m okay, when in reality, I’m a fucking wreck who is slowly dying on the inside. Hell, it was even at the point were two of my professors kept me after class and tried to get me to talk about my feelings, which I said there was nothing wrong.

It was a Wednesday, and of course, I had my appointment with Amelia. I decided to kill sometime and go get food at Panera after class since my mother felt I was at the point where I could take myself places without killing anyone, anything, or myself because of the emotions that I was currently feeling. I order my food: a cinnamon crunch bagel with cream cheese and a latte, grab it, and sit down while reading over my sociology notes that I needed to study.

“Azalia Marianni?”

I look up to see a girl about my age standing before me. She had long brown hair, green eyes, and light skin. She was a little taller than me but more fit. I recognized her off the bat, Clarissa Hoffman from middle school. “Oh my God, Clarissa!” I say, before getting up and giving her a hug. “I thought you were studying at Madison?”

“I go to the hellhole now, Madison is just so damn expensive!”
“Tell me about it, the hellhole sucks, but it gets the job done. Sit down.”

She then proceeds to sit down across from me and sets her bagel and coffee down. I watch her pull her hair into a low ponytail before opening her cream cheese package. “So how are you, how is your family?” She asks.

“We’re okay, Makayla is at Dayton, Maria is finishing up at Loyola, and Joe is at Guerin. How about you guys?”
“We’re okay as well, my brother is at Loyola as well, and I think I’m going to transfer there as well.”
“Loyola is a great school.”
“Oh I agree…if you don’t mind me asking, I heard what happened over the summer. I’m truly sorry Azalia, how is he?”

I knew she was going to bring it up, everyone has been asking me about it. I couldn’t avoid the subject anymore. I take a bite out of my bagel and sigh. Clarissa was one of my good friends in middle school before she went to Benet and I went to Guerin, so I felt comfortable talking to her about this. “He’s still in a coma last I was told…they don’t know if he’ll make it.”

“Oh my God, Azalia, I’m so sorry…I ran into your mom the other day, she said Jordan is like your best friend, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“I fell in love with him Clarissa…I was afraid to tell him because I was scared he was going to reject me…then Spencer appeared out of no where and now Jordan is in a coma…”
“You’re not blaming yourself, are you?”
“Clarissa, you’ve known me since the sixth grade. I blamed my dad leaving my family on myself, I blamed my mother losing her job when I turned thirteen on myself, so I obviously blame this on myself.”
“Azalia…you shouldn’t blame yourself, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I like to think it was…I feel like if I were to tell Jordan that I loved him, he wouldn’t be in a coma.”
“You had no control over what happened…look, I don’t know Jordan all that well…but I feel that he wouldn’t want you to feel this way, he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”
“You think?”
“I think he’d be upset you’re blaming yourself, but I believe that faith has its way of working itself out…I believe that you two met for a reason and that in the end, it’ll all work out….look, I have to go to class, but here is my cell…text me if you ever need to talk and let me know if Jordan is okay.”
“Thank you Clarissa, it was good seeing you. Say hi to everyone for me.”

I watch her walk out the door and think about what she had to say about faith working itself out. Jordan and I met for a reason, but what was that reason? I didn’t know why we were supposed to meet, maybe to teach me something?

Patience.

I think back to when I met Jordan and how I wanted him to break up with Heather when I was in denial about my feelings for him. I had no patience when Marc told me to give it time before Heather would be out of his life. When I found out he and Heather broke up, I was being impatient about who he broke up with Heather for. Now that he was in a coma, I was being impatient about his health and survival. I met Jordan because I needed to learn how to have patience.

I drive over to Amelia’s office after my realization. I check in with the front desk and then proceed to sit down as I see Marty sitting on the floor playing with the toys in the waiting room. I also see he’s wearing Jordan’s player name and number shirt. He was a Staal fan, and seeing that shirt made me think of him and what he was trying to teach me. “Hi Lia!” Marty smiles as he runs over to me.

“Hey buddy! I like your shirt!”
“Thanks! Jordan Staal is my favorite!”
“He’s my best friend.”
“Really!?”
“He sure is!”
“Do you know when he’ll play again?”

I sigh as I sit on the floor next to Marty as he is looking at me now. I honestly wish he had an answer for him, but I didn’t, because I didn’t even know when he’d be playing again. “I don’t know Marty, I honestly don’t know.”

“What happened to him?”
“Well…” I begin, as I close my eyes. “Jordan put himself in a coma because some mean jerk kidnapped me, so Jordan came to save me, which he did, but he took a few battle wounds for me.”
“Did he kill the guy!?”
“You bet he did.”
“Lia, is he your prince charming?”
“I guess you can say that.”
“So do you come here because you’re sad about Jordan?”
“Yes…yes I do.”
“I wish you weren’t sad. He’ll be okay.”
“You think?”
“I think you should be happy he saved you from that mean jerk and killed him…you must really be special to him if he did that for you, because if you weren’t he wouldn’t have saved you.”

As soon as Marty says that, I realize him, Clarissa, my mother, and everyone else was right. I shouldn’t be sad, I shouldn’t be blaming myself for what happened, I should be happy he did what he did because he loved me and would rather have me safe and himself in danger. It took me a social worker, my best friend from middle school, my mother, and a three year old to make me realize all of this.

“Tell you what Marty, when Jordan wakes up, do you want to meet him?”
“Really?!”
“Oh Azalia—“ The mother begins but I stop her.
“No, really, Jordan would love that. He would appreciate the fact that your son knocked some sense into me,” I smile at her.
“Thank you, thank you Azalia, this would mean the world to him.”
“You’re son making me open my eyes means the world to me, thank you Marty,” I say as I hug him.
“Azalia Marianni.”

I get up and follow the receptionist into Amelia’s office. I sit down in the chair as she closes the door in back of her before it quickly opens again with Amelia walking in with her folder. “Hey Azalia,” she smiles as I smile back. “This is different, you’re actually smiling today…so I take it you’ve been better?”

“Yes, in fact I have been better.”
“Really?
“Yes.”
“Are you being sarcastic with me?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Care to enlighten me then?”

“Someone told me faith has its way of working itself out. I’m starting to realize I met Jordan for a reason and that reason was to teach me patience. I’m now realizing that Jordan did what he did because he loved me and would rather have me safe and himself in harms way, and I should be happy and thankful that he did that, instead of blaming myself.”

Amelia doesn’t say anything as she writes notes down in the folder. She then looks up at me as she sets the pen down. “Well…have you heard anything on his recovery?” She asks as I shake my head. “Do you want to know?”

“No, I’d rather be surprised because I know he’d want it that way.”
“How do you feel now that you’ve found faith in the situation?”
“I feel that he may make it, and if he doesn’t, he’s going to be watching over me, I just need to have patience with this situation.”
“Well Azalia, I think it’s safe to say were making progress. Same time next week?”
“Definatly.”

I pull out of the parking lot and hop onto I-355 North to head home. It was the first time in a long time that I felt at ease with myself, that I knew that no matter what the outcome would be in the end, I was going to be okay. I was going to get through this. I wasn’t stuck in a bad place anymore, I could smile, talk to people about my feelings so they could see how I really felt, and move on with my life. I didn’t feel broken anymore; I felt as if I were never shattered, and that everything was starting to go back to normal.

I was able to let go of what happened and move forward.