Suicidal Memories

Gorgeous Banner By: Kallie

If it wasn't for my son I would of have just stayed home, consuming myself in self pitty, not even moving from that spot on the floor where I had been since he left.
I felt another sob forming in my throat and my eyes burning, about to release another thousand tears.
For as proud as I was, for him I would always have tears to cry.

I tried to hold back the tears for a while but soon they were pouring and pouring down my cheeks.
This room brought me too many memories.

I remembered the day he asked me to marry him, on the beach, and how as soon as we woke up the morning next he dragged me out of bed.
Let's just say, two days later we had left his little and messy house and were living in this same one.
The first thing we bought together. Engaged.

I found out a couple of weeks later that I was pregnant.
The memorie of him running to the balcony and starting to yell "I'm gonna be a daddy! I'm gonna be a fucking daddy!!", brought a smile to my face.
The guys wouldn't stop making fun of us saying another Jimmy would bring the end of the world.

We didn't spend long times together because he was on tour most of it but he always managed to visit and check on me.
That first year was the worse.

Then Aaron borned.
I had never seen James so into something, at least beside his music. He was the best dad I could ask for. Caring, concerned, willing to help.
Everything would have been perfect if it wasn't for the lack of intimate time we spent together.

Another year passed. Aaron was then two.
I should have seen the evidences. I guess I was too madly in love to see. It got me blind.

And now here I was, one year later, remembering how we fell apart.
Maybe it was my fault, maybe I didn't give him enough attention. But either ways he cheated and ruined any chance we had of making it up.

I really missed him. For as many bad memories as this room brought me, there were more good ones.
The amazing sex, especially the make up one.
The sunday mornings when the three of us would cuddle together in bed.
The picnics, the trips to the amusement park, to the beach, pool, mountain, country, camping, James teaching Aaron how to play drums, Aaron being only two and too young to understand.
I wonder how we managed to do so much in such short amount of time.
But that was James, always ready for a new adventure.

People warned me about his liking for little escapades. I didn't care.
He was one of a kind and I knew I couldn't let him go.

And yeah that was James. He could be the best person you know, but he knew how to be the worse.

I have to admit I never thought I'd get to feel the damage of getting on his bad side.
The cheating was a stab in the back from him, I could still feel the sting of it today, like an old scar that hadn't finished healing.

I wonder if it will ever heal.