Suicidal Memories

Next morning came too fast for my liking. It was one of those mornings when I felt as bad as if I hadn’t slept at all. My body was sore, my head ached; I felt exhausted from trashing and turning endlessly. Nightmares. I didn’t use to have many of them.

No matter how bad I tried, I couldn’t bring myself out of bed; just the thought of having to face him was nerve wrecking.

“Mommy?” Aaron’s baby voice came from the door as he stood there fully clothed, blonde hair a mess, non matching socks on and his plush hanging from his hand.

“Hey baby,” I whispered with a sweet and tired smile, sitting up in bed with the sheets wrapped loosely around my chest. Truth be said, I felt sick.

“Mommy, you not coming?”

A soft chuckle left my lips, along with a smile. I knew him all too well. He was always so eager to see James, I guess some things never change.

“I am, baby, mommy just slept bad. Was there at least light outside when you got up, little man?” I questioned, amusement dripping from my voice.

His cheeks turned pink as he nodded his head affirmatively, a shy look on his features “I think so, mommy.”

My brow raised up as I smiled “oh you think so?”

He nodded more, now giggling. And he never giggled unless when he was truly happy about something.

I smiled, throwing the covers off of me and getting up before pulling on a warm oversized hoodie.

“Come baby, mommy is gonna make breakfast. Milk and cereals sounds good?”
He cheered enthusiastically, climbing up into my arms eagerly with the brightest smile on his face.

My mind wandered…

We stood in silence sitting next to each other in his car, parked outside my parents’ house, eyes focused on anything beside one another.

“Caitlyn…” he sighed, getting the guts to break the silence.

“I don’t want to hear it, Sullivan.” I muttered sternly, “you came back from tour yesterday and my parents even had Aaron sleeping over so we could have some alone time, don’t you even think of not being with him today.”

He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and breathed deep “come on babe it’s just some drinks, I won’t be away for long.”

“Spare that bullshit for someone who actually believes it. Like anything along the lines of you and the guys involves ‘only a couple of drinks’. I wasn’t born yesterday James, I know how you work,” I snapped coldly.

He mumbled quietly “maybe more than a couple.”

“No shit,” I rolled my eyes pissed off, crossing my arms over my chest.

I could see him watching me from the corner of my eye, sadness in his deep blue eyes “babe come on…”

I turned to him, rage in my eyes as I glared daggers at him, index finger pressed to his chest “No, you listen to me. You’re a father now, Sullivan, which means that whether you like it or not you have responsibilities. So if you want to go out and get drunk then fine, do it, but you’re sleeping on the couch tonight because I won’t even look at your face if you dare disappointing Aaron like that. You were away for four fucking months, but hey, I guess some things never change, you’re still putting the booze before your son,” and with one last glare I opened the passenger door.

I was pulled back right after by his hands circling my wrist, soft but determinately. I turned my head to him with a raised brow.

“Yes?”

He wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck, but I kept a hard glare on my face “I’ll call it off.” I kept looking away stubbornly “just go, you know you want to.” He shook his head and kept on nuzzling me, his lips pressing themselves to my neck softly every once in a while causing a shiver to run up my spine, and made being mad at him just that bit more difficult. He knew me too well. “Babe you know you don’t want to be mad at me.”

“Says who,” I muttered stubbornly, a frown on my face. He chuckled softly, biting down on the sensitive skin on my neck making me release a small moan. “I do. Now get that stubborn ass up and let’s go get our son before they think we ran off.”

I rolled my eyes with a huff, a little smile breaking through my frown as I got up from the car again and made my way around it “Fine, but just for the record I’m still mad at you.”

A grin stretched across his lips as he slapped my ass before ringing the bell “Sure you are.”

That’s when our arguments still ended nicely, it seemed so easy back then. But not anymore.

I was now sitting outside his house, hands gripping the steering wheel for dear life doing my best to keep calm and dreading the moment when I would have to stare at him, blood drained from my face. I couldn’t look shittier, Aaron couldn’t look more blissful. His feet swung back and forth excitedly, he couldn’t stand still for more than mere seconds. Such an opposite image.

His arms wrapped themselves around my neck tightly when I picked him up from his seat, finally getting the courage to drag myself to his front porch.

My hands were shaking as I rang the bell feeling lightheaded, anxiety growing by the minute sending my nervous system into frenzy.

“Coming!” his voice shouted from inside sounding slightly annoyed.

No matter how bad I was dreading the moment he would open his door, the wait was killing me. I just wanted to get this over with and go back home so I could try and pretend everything was perfect and hide myself inside my little safety bubble.

Grumbles sounded from the other side of the door as James fumbled with the locker, sounding plain pissed off “I swear if it’s the fucking scouts again I’ll make you shove your cookies up your…Oh hey.” His face softened and turned confused as he caught sight of me with an excited-looking squealing Aaron in my arms.

“Hi, hmm Aaron wouldn’t stop begging me to bring him over,” I muttered quietly explaining myself before he asked.

His face lit up and a smile broke into his face as his eyes focused on our son, crouching down with his arms opened welcomingly.

Aaron didn’t waste a second in throwing himself into his father’s embrace, happy smile gracing his features.

“Daddy you left and didn’t come say goodbye,” he pouted, a sad frown taking over his face.

James scooped him up and placed a kiss on his forehead, watching him with an apologetic look while holding him close “I’m sorry kiddo, dad had to go somewhere. But I’ll make it up to you, okay? Wanna sleep over?” Aaron nodded happily, a hopeful look in his eyes while he played with James’s fingers. I found it quite an adorable habit of his. “Daddy will you sing me to sleep?”

“I will baby,” James said with a caring look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen in a while.

“You promise daddy?”

James nodded lovingly, giving his body a soft reassuring squeeze “Daddy promises, now why don’t you take your bag upstairs and then come say bye to mommy?”

“Okay daddy.”

I watched my son climb the stairs one at a time. Why was James making me stay longer? It’s not like we had anything to talk about. Did we?

I waited for him to say something but he wouldn’t break the silence that had settled in between us. My muscles were so tense they hurt.

I tried glancing at him again just to find his eyes watching me back, making it impossible for me to break the stare.

“So…”

“Yeah?” I asked, standing awkwardly in his front steps.

“You and him, are you fucking now?”

His eyes were vicious as he watched me, trying to keep a cool voice. My eyes widened in confusion as I stared at him.

“What are you talking about?”

He rolled eyes and growled, giving up on trying to keep his cool “Don’t give me the naive act. Is he any good?”

I sure didn’t like where the conversation was heading to. What the hell was up with him? What were all these questions for?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about James,” I sighed frustrated, running my fingers through my hair. He scoffed with a glare on his face.

“So you have no idea about having your tongue down Matt’s throat?”

I stared at him with wide eyes wondering how he knew about the kiss. I hadn’t told anyone and I seriously doubted Matt would do something as stupid as telling James about it. “That’s not what happened,” I said quickly.

“Right,” he laughed bitterly.

I frowned becoming annoyed at his attitude and growled “It’s not. And who are you to talk anyway? ‘I’ll give you a massage later baby’. Fucking grow up Sullivan.”

His eyes turned ice as I mocked him, anger growing. “I don’t believe a single word you’re speaking.”

I could take many things from him, but not getting called a liar. He had such morals to talk...

“Good ‘cause I don’t believe you neither. I suppose we’re even.” Growling lowly I turned my back on him, starting to walk away from his house. His hand found its way around my wrist, yanking me back to him, anger evident on his face.

“All my friends are pissed off at me thanks to you,” he seethed.

My eyes clouded in hurt and sorrow as I ripped my arm away from his grip “your friends are pissed at you ‘cause you only know how to screw up. You can’t face your problems or mistakes, you only make them worse. Face it Sullivan, you’re the one wrong here, not me. You’re better than this.”

“Caitlyn…”

I shook my head taking steps backwards “just don’t, James. If you want to stay with that chick, then stay. If you don’t, then don’t, but at least do a favor to yourself and try to figure what you want. I’m sick of standing here trying to figure you out.”

He walked the few steps to me waving his arms around frustrated “Are you fucking kidding me?! All you do is confuse the fucking hell out of me with your fucking actions! And you’re the one who can’t figure me out?? You say one thing but you mean another, what am I suppose to get from that??”

I was surprised no one had came outside yet to check on what was going on by how loud the argument was becoming. It’s like we were yelling just for the sake of it.

“Oh fuck you James, you should know me better by now,” hurt was laced to my words as I muttered them his way. His eyes widened in anger.

“WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN?”

My head was aching from the yelling, my heart felt like it would fail any moment. Heartbreak was a cause of death after all.
Arguments always had a bad effect on me, left me completely miserable, but I seemed to get myself stuck in them way too often.

“SINCE WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE?” I answered to his shouted question with a question of my own. I wasn’t even sure if we meant anything we were saying by now.

But then a small mass of messed blonde hair passed by me running towards my car which was on the opposite side of the street and I wouldn’t have given a fuck about anything that might be happening in that moment when I realized a huge truck was heading that same way. So I did the only thing I could get myself to think of at the moment, I screamed, the loudest I ever had, at the top of my lung, my sons name.

It was all so fast. The next thing I knew James was running past me, getting between the truck and our son.