These Butterflies

The car ride feels endless.

Melissa is happy and bubbly as always. She doesn’t notice how distracted Alex is when he responds to her. When she laughs, he smiles softly but I know there’s so much more going through his head. I know the guilt is eating away at him. I overhear him say “I love you” and that’s when I turn away and put my earphones on.

I’m not aware that I’m slowly drifting off into sleep but the first thing I notice when I awake is that we’re on a rocky road. I let out a sigh. We’re here.

I look over at Alex. He’s asleep, and I’m not surprised. I doubt he slept at all last night. Melissa’s in his arms; she’s asleep too. My mom turns back at me and asks, “Will you wake your brother up? We need him to help unload.” I nod.

When there are only a few things left, Alex and I are the ones that take the last of the supplies into his and dad’s cabin. He turns his body so that it faces me, but his eyes are aimed at the floor.

I speak for the first time since we left the house. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

“You won’t tell Melissa right?” I hesitate to answer, but I shake my head. “Promise me,” he begs.

It hurts me how much she means to him. She doesn’t deserve him. “Why do you care so much?”

“Because she means the world to me. I’m terrified of losing her…”

His answer shoots a jab of pain through my chest. “Fine… I promise.” I bite my bottom lip to restrain it from quivering and rush to join everyone outside.

We soon split into two small groups. Dad, Alex, and Melissa are going to walk along the trail while Mom and I spend time at the lake. I wanted to be with Alex, but my mom seemed excited about having me to herself and I couldn’t say no to her.

Everything she says seems to go in one ear and out the other. I can’t seem to get Alex off of my mind. Where is he right now? How many times has he kissed her by now? Is he still being tormented by his guilt? It’s killing me that he’s in pain, but the reason why hurts me much worse. Lately, I feel like he’s been stressing how in love with Melissa he is. Maybe I’m just at a point where I can’t handle hearing him say it anymore. I can’t decide. I fiddle with my hands to cope with the anxiety.

“Is something on your mind, honey?”

I shrug. “It’s nothing. Just thinking about school,” I lie.

“You seem restless. Is everything alright?”

I keep my eyes on the ground. “Yeah…”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes…” Both my parents are experts at catching me in lies, and I’m just praying that right now she won’t be able to tell. “I promise. I tell you everything, Mom.” Another lie, and I feel terrible about it.

“Alright, well we should start heading back before it gets dark,” she says.

“That sounds good,” I respond, trying my best not to sound too eager.

When we finally arrive to the campsite, we find my dad building a fire but I don’t see Alex or Melissa.

“Hey dad.”

“Hey sweetheart,” he replies with a smile.

I smile back half-heartedly, and I feel ashamed at the fact that all I want from my father is an answer to my following question. “Where’s Alex?”

“Well, the trail was almost over and they were acting romantic so I just decided to leave them with a bit of privacy. Alex said they’d probably have a picnic alone in the woods.”

My chest tightens. They’re alone, and he’s going to do and say everything he can think of to prove it to her, things he’ll never do or say for me. “When are they coming back?”

“They’ve been gone for a while. I’m sure they won’t take much longer.”

The thought of Melissa having him to herself makes my heart throb. I don’t want to be around anyone except him. I want to be alone. “I’ll be in the cabin if anyone needs me,” I say.

It’s everything I can do to keep my breathing steady. I feel like the walls begin to close in. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to break down because I’m hurt, because I’m mad, because Melissa isn’t supposed to be here.

I take in a deep breath and close my eyes. When I open them, I notice one of Alex’s bags sitting on one of the beds. Someone must have brought it in here by mistake. I feel the emotional torture becoming unbearable and I decide to just take his bag to right cabin as a distraction to save me from drowning in my own misery, but when I pick it up, I accidentally push Melissa’s bag to the floor and something falls out. I crouch down to pick it up but freeze when I realize what it is. It’s birth control. Alex and Melissa are spending more time together than I thought. The cabin door opens and I shove what I found back where it fell from.

“Hey, we’re all going to spend some time around the campfire. Do you want to join us?” It’s Melissa.

My entire body stiffens. “I’ll be right out,” I say.

I avoid eye contact with her for the rest of the night. I don’t want to speak with her. I don’t want her here. I just want her to stay out of Alex’s life.

We’re all sitting around the campfire but I don’t say much until I decide to leave. I say that I’m tired, and everyone believes me. I flop onto my bed for the night and I’m surprised when Melissa comes in only minutes after I do.

She smiles. “Hey, are you enjoying yourself so far?”

I sigh before lying once again. “I am…”

She bites her lip nervously and walks over to her bed.”Your family’s really great,” she says.

“Yeah. I know.” She opens her mouth to speak, but I interrupt. “I heard my dad gave you and Alex some privacy. You were gone for two hours. What did you guys do?”

She looks a bit taken aback, but she answers quickly. “Um… he just showed me around.”

She looks down at the ground nervously and pulls a strand of hair behind her ear. I know she’s lying, and I can’t stand the thought of her being with him anymore. “You don’t deserve him,” I tell her, turning to face the ceiling.

“Excuse me?” After a few moments of my sulking, she asks, “Milan, why don't you like me?”

I keep my eyes off of her, contemplating on what to answer. But when I decide what I want to say, I face her and reply with “You're not good enough for him, and you know that.”