These Butterflies
Like A Dream.
I can’t concentrate.
The open textbook in front of me is a hopeless mess of numbers and symbols that I can’t make sense of. I hate math. I sigh in frustration and shove the heavy collection of pages away. I put my hands over my face. I haven’t been able to get Alex out of my head, not since he walked away from me this morning. I can’t stop imagining what he must be feeling or how he’s getting through this. I’m nervous he’ll react in a way that will hurt me. I’m scared that I’m hurting him more than I think I am.
I’m forced to leave my train of thought when I notice a horizontal shadow across my bed. When I look to my left, I see Alex standing under the doorway of our shared bathroom. He keeps his head low. “Hey…” he says timidly.
My body involuntarily tenses up. “Hi.”
He looks up and quickly glances back down when he accidentally makes eye contact. He looks very uncertain as he slowly approaches me. With each step, he looks even more doubtful. “Is it weird that no matter what I try, I just can’t get everything you said out of my mind?”
I shake my head. “I gave you too much all at once. I should have gone easier on you… I just shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Don’t say that,” he responds quickly. I look up at him in confusion. “…I know keeping something like that inside would probably eat away at you, drive you insane,” he continues. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just relieved that you’re not keeping this from me anymore.”
I feel my eyes begin to sting with tears. “Relieved? I thought you hated everything that was going on. You seemed so upset-”
“Not upset,” he interrupts. “Just really, really confused. You have to understand.”
“I do,” I assure him. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I know how freaked out you must be…”
He sits down next to me and cups my chin, making me look at him. “I’m not freaked out, Lani. I love you so much and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
“But I’m so scared you’re going to think of me differently because of this,” I confess.
“I never have, and I never will. I promise,” he says, wiping away my tears.
Never have, he said. As if he’s known this forever… “Why do you say that like you knew before last night?” I ask.
He freezes for a moment but then he says, “It’s crossed my mind a few times when we were a little bit younger…” When I don’t respond, he continues to explain. “When I started dating Kate, I started noticing things… like the way you’d tense up when I’d get pushed into you, and the way you looked at me every time I laughed, and the sadness in your eyes when you saw me with Kate. I caught you looking at me so many times but I told myself it was crazy to even think that… you felt that way about me, but I guess it’s not so crazy.”
“Was it that obvious?” I ask.
He chuckles quietly and shakes his head as he pushes a strand of hair from my face. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
His lips slowly fall into a straight line and he looks into my eyes. “Sometimes…” He hesitates. “Sometimes I thought, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you did have romantic feelings for me. Sometimes I imagined what our relationship could be like… Sometimes I fantasized about you, and I thought I was crazy, but now that I know you feel the same way, I’m so relieved.”
“Relieved,” I repeat in a whisper. Before I can let out another word, he begins closing the distance between us. It’s like a dream. My heart is racing so fast that I’m not sure I’ll be able to take it anymore. And right as his lips are about to press into mine, my eyes shoot open and my heart stops momentarily at the deafening shriek of my alarm clock. My fingers frantically search for the ‘snooze’ button and fall at rest when the obnoxious sirens stop.
I hear a soft knocking on my door and then it cracks open slightly. It’s Alex. “You awake?”
I lift my head to have a better view of him. “Yes,” I respond meekly, feeling conflicted from my dream.
“I’m walking to school alone today,” he says. “Mom will drive you.”
“Oh… okay,” I say, and he disappears.
I sigh and flop back down onto my mattress. 6:30 A. M. glows in bright red across my clock. Time to get ready for school.
The open textbook in front of me is a hopeless mess of numbers and symbols that I can’t make sense of. I hate math. I sigh in frustration and shove the heavy collection of pages away. I put my hands over my face. I haven’t been able to get Alex out of my head, not since he walked away from me this morning. I can’t stop imagining what he must be feeling or how he’s getting through this. I’m nervous he’ll react in a way that will hurt me. I’m scared that I’m hurting him more than I think I am.
I’m forced to leave my train of thought when I notice a horizontal shadow across my bed. When I look to my left, I see Alex standing under the doorway of our shared bathroom. He keeps his head low. “Hey…” he says timidly.
My body involuntarily tenses up. “Hi.”
He looks up and quickly glances back down when he accidentally makes eye contact. He looks very uncertain as he slowly approaches me. With each step, he looks even more doubtful. “Is it weird that no matter what I try, I just can’t get everything you said out of my mind?”
I shake my head. “I gave you too much all at once. I should have gone easier on you… I just shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Don’t say that,” he responds quickly. I look up at him in confusion. “…I know keeping something like that inside would probably eat away at you, drive you insane,” he continues. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just relieved that you’re not keeping this from me anymore.”
I feel my eyes begin to sting with tears. “Relieved? I thought you hated everything that was going on. You seemed so upset-”
“Not upset,” he interrupts. “Just really, really confused. You have to understand.”
“I do,” I assure him. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I know how freaked out you must be…”
He sits down next to me and cups my chin, making me look at him. “I’m not freaked out, Lani. I love you so much and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
“But I’m so scared you’re going to think of me differently because of this,” I confess.
“I never have, and I never will. I promise,” he says, wiping away my tears.
Never have, he said. As if he’s known this forever… “Why do you say that like you knew before last night?” I ask.
He freezes for a moment but then he says, “It’s crossed my mind a few times when we were a little bit younger…” When I don’t respond, he continues to explain. “When I started dating Kate, I started noticing things… like the way you’d tense up when I’d get pushed into you, and the way you looked at me every time I laughed, and the sadness in your eyes when you saw me with Kate. I caught you looking at me so many times but I told myself it was crazy to even think that… you felt that way about me, but I guess it’s not so crazy.”
“Was it that obvious?” I ask.
He chuckles quietly and shakes his head as he pushes a strand of hair from my face. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
His lips slowly fall into a straight line and he looks into my eyes. “Sometimes…” He hesitates. “Sometimes I thought, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you did have romantic feelings for me. Sometimes I imagined what our relationship could be like… Sometimes I fantasized about you, and I thought I was crazy, but now that I know you feel the same way, I’m so relieved.”
“Relieved,” I repeat in a whisper. Before I can let out another word, he begins closing the distance between us. It’s like a dream. My heart is racing so fast that I’m not sure I’ll be able to take it anymore. And right as his lips are about to press into mine, my eyes shoot open and my heart stops momentarily at the deafening shriek of my alarm clock. My fingers frantically search for the ‘snooze’ button and fall at rest when the obnoxious sirens stop.
I hear a soft knocking on my door and then it cracks open slightly. It’s Alex. “You awake?”
I lift my head to have a better view of him. “Yes,” I respond meekly, feeling conflicted from my dream.
“I’m walking to school alone today,” he says. “Mom will drive you.”
“Oh… okay,” I say, and he disappears.
I sigh and flop back down onto my mattress. 6:30 A. M. glows in bright red across my clock. Time to get ready for school.
♠ ♠ ♠
:) I thought it would be fun to trick you guys a little bit. Haha. Hope you all liked it <3comments please? <3