These Butterflies

I feel like the walls are slowly closing in.

Laughter is filling the room, but it’s only adding to my anxiety. You're being ridiculous, I try to convince myself. His hand keeps disappearing under the table, and I think it's resting on her lap and I'm feeling myself going insane with jealousy. He’s watching her with a content smile, but she’s not returning his stare. This shouldn’t bother me. She’s not his type. I’m usually ecstatic when our brothers spend a dinner with us, but tonight I'm so on edge that I just can’t seem to enjoy myself.

“Alright,” Chris says in the middle of all the voices. “I think we’re ready for some dessert right about now, right?”

“I don’t know,” Matt replies. He turns to me. “Milan, you barely ate. Would you like us to wait?”

I shake my head. “No, it’s fine. I’m not that hungry.”

My mom stands in order to collect the dishes, and I do the same, eager to assist her. I don’t think I can stand the sight of them anymore.

Without warning, Alex stands too, and manages to seize everyone’s attention. “Alright, I want dessert to get served just as badly as everyone else in this room, but first, I have to give an announcement.” He grabs onto Melissa’s hand and she awkwardly stretches her legs out to join him as her teeth sink into her lower lip. She glances at him nervously, but Alex gives her a smile that can reassure anybody. “Okay so, I wanted to wait until Dad got back from his business trip, but I don’t think I can wait any longer,” he starts. “I just really, really wanted Chris and Matt to meet Melissa because, well…” He turns to look at her with boyish, child-like excitement filling his eyes. “We’ve been dating for a few weeks now, and things are going pretty good. When we first started dating, we decided to keep this a secret because we just wanted to make sure our relationship was going somewhere. And I think it is.” He gives her hand a squeeze as he says this, and as it puts Melissa’s mind more at ease, it’s having the opposite effect on me. “I think she’s awesome, and I couldn’t wait any longer to introduce her to my family as my girlfriend.”

Please, God. No no, I beg. This shouldn’t be happening. He’s not supposed to be with her. He’s not supposed to be with anybody. When Alex falls in love, he falls hard, and he's blind to the fact that it kills me. I'm the one he comes to when he's going crazy with a girl on his mind and he just can't keep it to himself any longer, and I can't handle it anymore. He's broken my heart so many times before, and I'm terrified he's going to do it again.

The sound of clapping and cheerful voices bursts around my ears, but I can’t get myself to be happy for them. I can feel my heart shattering to pieces and my hope crumbling down. Now that he has a girlfriend, he won’t have enough time for me. He won’t give me the same attention. I realize that I’m digging my fingers into my leg. “I don’t feel well. Excuse me,” I say.

Alex frowns. “What? Are you sure you have to leave, Lani?”

My eyes flicker towards Melissa involuntarily and then back. “I’m sure…" It looks like he's going to say something more, but I speak before he gets a chance to continue. "I’m sorry. Goodnight everyone.”

I stumble over my feet as I rush to my bedroom. All I want to do is escape, but I don't know how. I reach my bedroom and for a moment, it all feels surreal... but I know this numbness won't last. And I'm right. When I crawl under my covers, it all comes crashing down on me. Alex will never love me, and I will never stop feeling this way and he will never know. He's the key to my happiness, but he's too unreachable. I start crying, because I feel alone, because I feel unworthy, because nothing's ever going to change. I cry and I cry until I finally fall asleep.

This wasn't the first time I cried myself to sleep because of Alex, and it definitely wasn't the last.