The Trouble of Taboo

I felt a bit weird, being in Neil’s kitchen, kissing him, but it felt so right. I knew he was my teacher, but the way he treated me, the way he kept kissing me had to mean something right? I leaned into the kiss a bit more, moving my body closer to his, trying to mould myself to him. I let a hand fall gently down his arm and up his t-shirt, feeling his skin. My fingers got tingles as I brushed them against his soft skin; I wanted to be with him so bad, to know that someone wanted me and thought I was worth loving. I moved my other hand underneath his t-shirt too, and slowly started to inch it up.

I got just above his belly button when he sighed and moved away. I looked up at him and fake pouted, moving closer to him again, pushing my chest out a little bit so that it brushed against his torso. “What’s wrong?” I asked him, lightly biting on my lip as I looked up at him and his stunning eyes.

“We cannot do that.” He half whispered to me, I looked up at him with my big, sincere eyes, one arm moving around his waist, so our bodies were touching again. “Paige.” He said, his voice wavering slightly.

“Yes, Neil?” I asked him, my voice slightly husky as I saw his eyes wander over my body and wonder what was underneath his t-shirt. I looked at him, smiling slightly. “Do you want me to move away?” I asked him, my voice teasing him as I leaned up towards him and kissed him lightly, just a peck on the lips but lingering enough to be more than innocent. I looked at him again, awaiting his answer.

“No, but I require you to... please?” He asked me, and I felt almost bad about teasing him, especially when I remembered he could lose his job. I stopped smiling and moved away, trying to wrap my head around how slutty I had just been. “Paige?” Neil said, his voice trying to comfort me but check I was okay. I looked up at him and smiled at him a bit.

“It’s okay, I understand. Really, I do. I can’t believe how slutty I was being is all, especially when you could get into so much trouble, I’m sorry Mr P.” I told him in a rush, trying to get all of my feelings into as few words as possible. I looked towards the floor, wishing a hole would open and I could fall away from this awkward situation. Neil lifted my face to look at him and moved my hair away from my face.

“You were not... you were being extremely alluring.” He smiled at me a little. “However, I do not want you to feel used Paige. I told you, I want to show you how you should be treated. Okay?” He asked me and I nodded up at him, smiling, who knew that chivalrous men still existed. He leaned down to me and kissed me gently, groaning as he pulled away.

“What?” I asked him, smiling as my lips were still tingling from him kissing me.

“I need to attend to the food.” He said smiling. “Which unfortunately, means I must move away from you and your delectable lips.” He kissed me again as if to prove his point and I giggled, pushing him away gently. “That is so adorable.” He muttered staring straight into my eyes with such a strong look of desire that I couldn’t help but giggle again, as I went a deep shade of red.

“You, umm, need to do the dinner.” I reminded him gently, hoping to divert his attention away from my cheeks. He smiled at me and kissed me quickly again, before resuming doing the dinner.

I watched him, every move he made, every facial expression his face held; I wanted to make him smile and laugh, but moan in pleasure as well. I needed him in my life. I knew that was a bad thing. I had an addictive personality, which meant if he ever left me? I’d be devastated. He was the light in my darkness. I sighed gently as I remembered I should probably talk to Ali at some point; I felt like it’d been forever since I spoke to her, but then she was the one not at school. I could feel Neil looking at me and I looked up at him. “What?” I asked him, as he just looked at me, his eyes confused.

“Are you okay?” He asked me and I nodded, realising he must have heard me sigh.

“I just realised it’s been a while since I’ve spoken to Ali. Before I met you, we were joined at the hip, and now I’m going to have to figure out a good lie to tell her. Although she doesn’t know about my wrists or a lot of what my father does to me, so it shouldn’t be too bad.” I told him, absent-mindedly playing with the scabs on my wrist, picking at them as I always did, until I felt a tingle of pain. I looked down and realised I’d made one bleed and that it was bleeding on Neil’s floor! “Umm, do you have a tissue or something?” I asked him, and he looked at me, having gone back to the dinner. He looked down at the floor where I was pointing and was about to pass me some kitchen roll, when something clicked and he looked at my wrist, which now had my other hand underneath it, to stop more of my blood dripping onto his floor.

“Come to the sink.” He told me. I shook my head.

“I don’t wanna get blood on your things, and I need to wipe that drop up before it dries and becomes a pain to get out.” I told him. My head screamed at me that if I was collecting blood in my good hand then how was I going to clean the floor, but I shook my head. Neil came and pushed me to his sink, putting my hand and wrist under water.

“I really do not care about blood getting on my possessions; however, I care an extreme amount about you collapsing from not having enough blood in your system.” He told me, his voice seemed slightly angry, and I looked down at the sink, a tear escaping my eye.

“I’ve got this. I’m fine.” I told him, he stood there trying to help me. “I’m fine, really Neil, please just move back. Clean your carpet or something, just please.” I begged him, I knew my emotion was flooding my voice, and that it was obvious I was crying but I still didn’t look up at him, and soon enough he moved away with a cloth to clean the floor. The tears were streaming down my face as I washed the blood away, and let my cut clot again; how could I have been so stupid as to do this in his house. I was such a stupid bitch! Why couldn’t I just be normal!

I’d pulled my hand out from under the water, and the bleeding had stopped, but I didn’t want to move; I didn’t want Neil seeing me crying. I felt his hands on my shoulder, as he pulled me around and pulled me into a hug, I clasped my arms around him, he was my security blanket, he would keep me safe from all the monsters, but how could he keep me safe from the monsters within myself?

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so fucking stupid. I’m sorry, please don’t hate me.” I whispered up to him, moving my face to the side, so my head was now resting against his chest. I could hear his heart beating, and I could swear it was faster than it should have been. I heard him sigh, but he also pulled me closer.

“I could never hate you Paige. I was scared, worried about you. I really do not like seeing you hurt and I really do not like you hurting yourself, but I could never hate you Paige, never! Just please try to refrain from doing that, for me?” He said to me just as quietly, I pulled back a bit, our arms still wrapped around each other, but so I could look up at him.

“I’ll try my best, for you.” I said and smiled a little bit. “I’m sorry I worried you. It was an accident, a force of habit to pick at them when I’m thinking.” I told him, hoping he’d understand, and that I hadn’t done it because I wasn’t happy being here with him.

“I understand.” He told me and pulled away completely, smiling at me. “Now come on, let us go eat, before it gets cold.” He told me and I smiled at him, suddenly very hungry. We sat down to his kitchen table, sat across from each other. I tucked in and smiled at how good it tasted, and how nice it was just to eat nice, home cooked food for once. I looked up at him to tell him how good it was, but something in his eyes made me stop. “Why do you injure yourself in that way, dear?” He asked me, and I just froze, this was going to be a long night, all of a sudden.