The Trouble of Taboo

We got home and I could feel there was still some tension between us, mainly coming from Neil. We sat on his couch and I heard him sigh, I looked over to him with a questioning glance.
“I just wish you’d told me.” He said, and I could feel my slightly too hot temper start to rise.
“I was trying to save your ass.” I told him, trying not to show how annoyed I was.
“You mean our asses. Do you think it was Ali that put the note in with my marking?” He asked, too absorbed in what ever he was thinking to notice my neutral face.
“No!” I half yelled at him, but he didn’t even notice. “Ali wouldn’t do that, plus she doesn’t know what’s going on, she just knows something it. It’s probably someone with a vendetta.” I told him, still trying to keep my voice in check.
“Well I don’t have any enemies...” He said and my breath got in my throat.
“So this is MY fault?” I asked him, annoyed he would even suggest such a thing. He turned to look at me for the first time since we’d gotten home.
“That’s not what I said.” He told me, but his voice seemed weak as if he wasn’t sure.
“Well it sounded like that was exactly what you were saying. So because I have enemies it’s my fault someone knows about us? It couldn’t because all of the times you kissed me in your fucking classroom.” I said, annoyed that I had let the ‘fucking’ come out.
“Whoa, I didn’t hear you complaining when I did so.” He retorted and I snorted at him
“Well maybe if you’d kept your frigging hormones in check, we wouldn’t be in this position.” I told him, crossing my arms over my chest and flopping back against the couch, annoyed at him.
“Excuse me?” He said and I just ignored him, he could go to hell. “Wow, the silent treatment really? You’re going to be that childish?” He said to me and I winced as I felt a hole being punched into my chest, but instead of showing he had hurt me I let my anger take over.
“I am a fucking child!” I yelled at him. “Which you knew when you started kissing me! That’s why someone knowing about us is such a big deal you loser!” I could fell my anger rising more and more.
“Well I’m sorry, I thought you were more mature than that, but obviously you’re just the same as Kate and Sophie!” He yelled back at me, and I felt like all my breath had been sucked out at me, I couldn’t believe he had just said that to me, had likened to me to them of all people.
“Fine, if I’m that immature than I’m gone!” I yelled at him and walked straight out the door. I could hear him saying my name in the background but the sound of my blood pounding in my ears blocked him out and I was grateful. As soon as I turned the corner and his house was no longer in view I felt the tears start to roll down my face. I walked and walked and walked until I came to the only other place I had left to go, my father’s house. I walked in the front door, not caring and went straight up to my room, unlocked it and lay down on my bed. I couldn’t believe Neil, in those few minutes he had hurt me more than my father ever had, because I’d never cared for my father, but I’d left myself care for Neil, let myself believe he cared for me and would look after me. It just proved my point that you couldn’t trust anybody in this world.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know my father is storming into my room. “So... you’ve come back you little slut.” He said, I didn’t even acknowledge him, I felt numb and nothing he could say was going to hurt me right now. “Your pimp throw you out, did he you whore?” He said and I just continued ignoring him, hoping he’d go away. “Well I’ll show you how it’s really done baby.” He told me and I should really have been paying attention because he climbed onto my bed, tying my hands to my headboard, probably so I couldn’t push him off like I did last time. I started to struggle now, I had put myself in this dangerous position, and no one was going to help me get out of it.
“Please don’t daddy.” I whimpered, but he just took off his tie and gagged me with it, I could feel the tears rolling down my face as I shut my eyes and tried to envision my happy place, I was in a field, with lilies and tulips surrounding me, lying on my back looking up at the stars and peaceful, except I couldn’t get into it, because all I could feel was my father forcefully removing all of my clothing, ripping off my shirt without a hesitation, and pulling my trousers and underwear down as he ripped my bra off as well, leaving me laying there naked and cold. I felt his lips kiss me roughly and just laid there, trying with all I had to imagine I was somewhere else.
I tried to struggle away but gave up soon after as I realised it was turning him on more, so I just lay there, motionless, tears falling silently down my cheeks as he kissed my lips and neck. I tensed as I felt him grope my breasts and then put his mouth to them, because I was cold they had tensed but my father being the sick man he was smiled slightly, “I knew you’d enjoy it you big slut.” He said against my breasts, as he moved a hand all over my body, bringing it lower and lower until it reached the inside of my thigh. At this point I tried to get away anyway I could, and tried to push him off balance by using my lower body strength to try and push him off of me, but he just took this as me begging for more, “Patience my baby doll, you’ll get what you want eventually.” I shook my head and tried to scream no but the gag muffled it and he smiled a creepy smile at me. I instantly closed my eyes again, focusing on my happy place more and more, but even as I did I could feel his fingers exploring me, and I winced as he pushed them further into me. I was completely bone dry and it was painful already. I sighed with relief as he moved his fingers away hoping he’d finished and was going away, he’d been moaning a little as he’d tried to pleasure me with his fingers, not even noticing that I was still crying, he was absorbed into his own little sick world. I gasped in pain as I felt him push into me, he wasn’t well endowed but it still hurt like a bitch, and I felt tears stream down my face faster as he went in and out of me over and over again. “You know you like it bitch.” He whispered in my ear as he kissed my neck, I tried to move away from him, but he slapped my face and held it roughly so I couldn’t move it, “Now, now, play nice for daddy.” He said and I could only hope that it would be over quickly. Luckily my prayer was answered and within minutes he was groaning and panting harder and moving faster in me, causing me to cry heavier.
He finished soon after that and climbed off me, got dressed and untied my hands. “Good girl.” He said kissing my cheek. He walked to my desk, put a fifty pound note on it and left. I scrambled up, took the tie out of my mouth and threw it and what he’s used to bind my hands in the bin, locked the door and then walked into my bathroom, lifted the toilet lid and seat and threw everything inside of me up until I was completely empty and not even bile was coming up anymore. I cried as I flushed the toilet and ran my shower. I waited until it was almost scalding hot and then stepped in, the tears still running down my face as I scrubbed my body with half my bottle of body wash and my exfoliating mitts, I wanted to scrub my skin off until I couldn’t feel him on me anymore. I did that in the shower for at least an hour, then washed my hair twice and conditioned it, trying to get the smell of his cologne, which I knew was clinging to it, out and rid him of me as much as possible.
I eventually stepped out of the shower, my skin red raw from all the scrubbing I’d done to it. I put on some comfy pyjama bottoms and a long t-shirt, but my hair up into a messy bun and turned towards my bed. I shuddered as I pulled all the covers and sheets off of it, including the pillow covers, duvet and pillows, and shoved them all into a black bin liner. I walked into my closet and took out a brand new bed spread, duvet and pillows, hoping it’d be enough to allow me to sleep in my bed without wanting to throw up again. I remade my bed and sat on it, wishing I had Neil here to comfort me. I hated that my new bed spread didn’t smell of him and his laundry detergent, the smell alone would have comforted me a little bit, but having him there to hug me and wipe away my tears was what I really needed, but I knew after our fight I couldn’t go back to his house, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him what had happened. I sat on my bed looking around, trying to think of anything that could help me, when I realised what I needed to do. It surprised me that it took so long for me to think of it, but I guess living at Neil’s for as long as I had, had changed me a little bit, well I was going to undo all of that. I walked to my dresser and opened the drawer. There wasn’t much left in it because I had taken most of my things to Neil’s, although it made me wonder that I had left pyjamas, and some of my clothes here, as if maybe I had known this would happened eventually and I’d be coming back here to my own personal hell. I looked in the drawer and saw the small box I needed. I took it out and went and sat back on my bed. I opened it slowly and smiled slightly when I saw its contents, it was like seeing old friends again, friend’s I knew could help me.
I stroked my blades, relishing in the fact that I had them here with me, that I could always rely on them to be there when I needed them. I took out one of the sharpest blades I had, it had come from a brand new razor and had never been used, so it would be perfect for this time, it might even become my new favourite. Something at the back of my brain told me that I’d need to collect at least my school stuff from Neil’s, mainly because my school bag had my most favoured blades in, but for now I was focused on this one back up blade. I held it in my hand, and then with what I was sure was a creepy smile on my face, I pushed it against my left wrist and dragged it all the way across, I did the same again but this time diagonally and then again across. Without even thinking about it I had carved an ‘N’ into my wrist. I watched as it started to bleed, smiling some more at the sight of my blood trickling down my wrist, I reached into my bedside table and pulled out the flannel I kept in there for occasions like these. I rested my wrist on it, climbed into bed and fell asleep as I felt the blood flow out of my body.
I awoke the next morning feeling slightly better, but as the fight with Neil and what had happened with my father came back to me, I once again had to rush to the toilet to throw up, well to gag at least, there wasn’t anything left in me to throw up. I brushed my teeth a million times, and looked at my wrist, some point in the night it had clotted and stopped bleeding, as it always did before any significant damage could be done, this always annoyed me. Why couldn’t it just keep flowing and let me die, it wasn’t that much to ask for if you thought about it. I sighed and washed the dried off blood away, opening some of the cuts as I did. I grabbed a bandage and wrapped my wrist up. I knew I had to go to school today and face Neil and Ali, as I remembered she’d followed me home and I had said I would go for coffee with her today, I sighed again, today was not going to be a fun day.
I walked over to my drawers and looked at what I had left here, I found a pair of old jeans that were a bit baggy but with a belt on looked okayish, I also found a loose top with long sleeved arms that ended in points, that was deep blood red colour and thought it was oddly appropriate for the mood I was in. I left my hair in the messy bun it was already in, but made sure that my fringe was covering most of my face. I skipped make up not really feeling I had the patience to be bothered with it, even though I could see a slight bruise on my face from where my father had slapped me last night for trying to pull away from his sick kisses, I shuddered at the thought and pushed back the urge to throw up again. I was about to close my drawer when I saw a bottle, I smiled; this was exactly what I needed to get through my day. I found an old bag and put a notebook and two pens in it along with the bottle, after taking a few swigs from it to give me the courage I would need to walk into school. I also packed some old chewing gum I found knowing I would need it and to complete my look pulled on an old twilight sweat band just to make sure no one saw my bandage. I looked in the mirror and saw that apart from my oddly pale face and the slight bruise I didn’t look too bad, well I looked fat but then I looked fat every day, and it was what I got for wearing a loose top, but today I wanted to fade into the background and not be seen. I grabbed a black hoody that was two sizes too big for me and put it on as well, zipping it to just below my breasts as I had always done. Luckily when I had stormed out yesterday I had, had my phone, ipod and purse in my pockets, I retrieved these and put them into my bag, except for my ipod which I put on full blast, selected my favourite song Reckless by Papa Roach, put the ear buds in and walked out of my house, not even bothering to pick up breakfast, knowing I’d probably just throw it up again.
I made sure to walk slowly to school, and got there just as the end of form bell rang. I made my way to the front office, signing in the late book, leaving the explanation part blank and then walked to my first lesson, only just remembering to take out at least one ear bud of my ipod when I got there, hiding the other so I would be able to listen to it. It seemed an appropriate song for my mood choice. I sat in English and Maths, not listening at all, and ignoring everyone around me, especially Ali, only saying a small ‘hi’ as she sat next to me in English. I kept my ear bud in for both lessons, and no one told me to take my hoody off so I got away with it. I took a few notes but mainly lost myself in the music, I didn’t want to be here, and right now I didn’t care about my grades.
I made it to break without really talking to anyone, the teachers had picked up on some vibe to leave me alone and not ask me questions and I was grateful for that. At break though Ali stopped me and pulled me to our usual break time haunt.
“What’s up with you today?” She asked me and I shrugged. “Paige, this is me just talk to me. You can tell me anything.” I looked at her, keeping the annoyance of my face. There was nothing I could tell her, for all I know she could have been the one to send Neil the note, she’d do anything to keep me as her lackey.
“There’s nothing wrong. I just don’t feel well and am tired. Can we drop it now?” I said shortly. I couldn’t remember a time when I had been anything but nice and gentle with Ali, and from the look on her face I had surprised her, inside I smiled slightly, feeling a bad ass feeling coming over me.
“Okay then. Do you still want to go for coffee lately?” She asked me, actually seeming to care for once in her life about my feelings, but it was probably a trick.
“Not really. I think coffee with make me throw up today.” I told her and walked away, not knowing where I was going, but ending up in the toilets. I sat in the last stall and just listened to my ipod, having switched it to ‘Scars’ by Papa Roach now and smiling slightly at how closely it seemed to describe me. I looked down at my wrist taking my sweat band and bandage off and running my fingers over my old and fresh cuts. I took out the box I had placed in my new bag and pulled out the blade I had used yesterday, I pressed it against the side of my wrist, not wanting to ruin the ‘N’ I had created last night, and dragged it down my wrist. It was like I was slitting my wrist open like they did in surgery and I smiled as it instantly started bleeding, I just watched it until I heard the bell go. I sighed; I had Science now, which was the last thing I wanted. I wrapped my wrist up tightly, trying to stop the bleeding and took some more swigs from my bottle, I was definitely going to need some Dutch courage for this stupid double lesson.
I put everything away, flushed the toilet and washed my hands and then headed for Science, trying to walk slowly. I got to the door and almost turned back but told myself I couldn’t just skip this lesson every day. I pushed the door open and walked to my seat, cursing as I did. Somehow after walking slowly and leaving the toilets after the bell I was still the first one here. “Paige?” I heard Neil say, and I sighed slightly, this was going to be fun. I turned around, the Dutch courage making it slightly easier, even if I did wobble a little bit as I did. “Are you okay?” He asked me and I nodded not looking at him and trying to keep my face hidden with my hair, I could really do with him not seeing my bruise. “I brought this in for you. I thought you might need some of the things in it.” I looked up and saw my normal school bag, I smiled slightly and took it from him. I heard him gasp and quickly covered my face again. “Paige? What happened to your face? And why the hell are you so pale?” He asked me, I looked up at him, my face hard as I did.
“I thought I was just some stupid immature kid. Why do you care?” I said to him, my voice as set as my face was, I was refusing to allow him to just walk back into my life as if he cared. My heart was still mending itself from last night.
“Of course I care Paige. I care a lot about you and what happens to you. Did you go home last night?” He asked me and I nodded, I heard him suck his breath in sharply.
“Well, where the fuck else was I going to go?” I asked him, a disbelieving look on my face that he hadn’t figured out that I had gone home. He took a hold of my hand and I looked at him. “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked yanking my hand away from him.
“Please Paige. Come back to mine after school. Let’s talk about last night and what happened. We were both angry and upset, and said things we didn’t mean. Please Paige? I don’t want you going back there anymore; it’s not safe for you there.” He told me and I snorted slightly, so he looked at me instead of the floor.
“It’s safer than at yours. My hearts shut off to my father and what he does to me because he’s never cared about me and I’ve never cared about him. So he can rape or beat me as much as he likes because it’s not going to hurt me as much as you did last night.” I walked away and sat in my chair, and luckily the rest of the class walked in so he couldn’t talk to me anymore. I smiled slightly at Ali as she sat hesitantly next to me, “Sorry about before. Was feeling really crap and needed to throw up.” I told her, suddenly glad my face was pale, because it helped with my ‘being ill’ story. She rubbed my shoulder and I smiled slightly at her.
“It’s okay. Are you sure you should stay at school?” She asked me and I nodded.
“Yeah. Don’t want to harm my grades.” I told her and she smiled, I guess I sounded like the old me, putting my grades before anything, she was about to say something else when Neil spoke.
“Okay class. Today we’re going to learn about chemical reactions in the body, for example the endorphins you feel when you cut.” I looked at the table when he said that, suddenly feeling guilty about what I had done yesterday and earlier in the toilets. “Also about why you feel love, and why you feel so bad when you drink too much.” I couldn’t look up as he spoke, he seemed to be torturing me in this lesson, they where two things I were ashamed of doing today and a third that I didn’t want to admit or even think about, especially not in his classroom. I could hear Neil giving out the exercise books, and felt my cheeks heat up as he put mine down on the table.
“Thanks.” I mumbled as he moved away. I looked at my book and got a weird feeling as I touched the front cover, I drew my face into a puzzled expression but shrugged it off as me being stupid, or reacting to something that I had last seen in Neil’s house. I opened my book and there was a piece of paper there, I unfolded it and recognised it instantly as the bit of writing I had done in Neil’s class just before I started living at his, my throat closed. I had moved that out of there, and had put it into the front pocket of me school bag for safe keeping; did this mean he’d gone into my bag? I picked it up and opened the front pocket; I looked at it trying to figure out what was missing. My mouth fell open as I realised what was missing, my blades, little diary and my hairbrush were all gone. I looked up at him in shock, what the fuck was he doing going through my bag! And what else had he gone through that I had left at his? I quickly looked away before someone noticed something odd and turned back to my book. My heart stopped as it suddenly clicked that he had read what I had written, and that he had planned this lesson to show me he had read it, I sighed and but my head in my hand as I quickly flipped away from where the piece was stowed. I felt Ali turn to me.
“Are you okay Paige?” She asked me and I shook my head slowly.
“A really bad headache.” I lied as I tried to think of something, anything that I could do to get out of this lesson and away from him, but all I could focus on was that my heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I was so confused, so he knew I might love him, was this lesson him trying to tell me he loved me. I was focussing on everything so much that I hadn’t realised I had stood up and that Ali was talking to me with a worried look in her face. I look up from where I stood and saw Neil there, his mouth moving but his face neutral. I was looking when all of a sudden the world went black and my brain shut off.
I woke up in the nurses office, and was happy that unlike last time my hoody was still on, which was good because I was bloody freezing. I tried to sit up but felt someone stop me. “Don’t do that, it won’t help. You need to rest.” I heard Neil say to me and I smiled slightly as I felt his voice and scent wash over me, I felt safe and at home again.
“What happened?” I asked him in a soft quiet voice I’d never heard myself use before, I heard him sigh and I opened my eyes to look at him. His face looked so different to what I remember before I blacked out, he looked so concerned and worried now that I thought maybe I was dying or something.
“You blacked out. I’m guessing from loss of blood.” He motioned to my wrist and I figured he must have looked after all. “Lack of food, and too much alcohol.” He told me, I closed my eyes again, not wanting to see the little bit of disappointment in his eyes. “What happened last night Paige?” He asked me and I involuntarily shuddered. I could feel his eyes on me. “Was it... was it what he tried to do last time?” He asked and I nodded, remembering how happy I had been that Neil had saved me. I heard him sink into a chair. “Fuck.” Was all he said, I opened my eyes again and looked at him. I sat up in shock as I saw tears running down his face.
“N...Mr P?” I asked, realising that we were in school and that anyone could be listening to this conversation. “Are you okay?” I asked him and he looked at me in astonishment.
“How can I be okay Paige? This is my fault. If we hadn’t have fought, you wouldn’t have been there. Why are you worrying if I’m okay anyway, after what you went through I’m amazed you’re functioning.” He said, standing up and forcing me to lie back down as he spoke, I smiled as his hands touched my shoulders. When he moved them away I grabbed one in my hand and I saw him smile a little.
“I’m not functioning.” I told him and he looked up at me confused. “Would you call, throwing up all the time, not eating, drinking and... the other thing functioning?” I asked him and he smiled wryly.
“No I guess not.” He told me and stroked my hair to comfort me as I held back my tears, only he could know that I needed comforting. “I’m sorry.” He said and I shook my head.
“It doesn’t matter. You’re here now. That’s all I need.” I whispered to him, in case anyone was listening, a thought came into my head. “Don’t you need to get back and teach the class?” I asked him and he smiled a bit and shook his head.
“Paige sweety. It’s after school. I think your body needed time to recover and process what had happened to it in the past 15 hours or so.” He told me and I looked shocked that it had been that long, I had slept since third period right though until after school. I looked around for a clock but couldn’t find one. “It’s about 4.” He told me and I nodded slightly, slowly sitting myself up and swinging my legs off the side of the bed. I felt like I had just given blood, when they tell you to sit on the bed for a bit and let your body get used to being a pint lighter. “What are you doing?” Neil asked me, getting ready to support me if I stood up too soon.
“We should really get home before they close the school. Considering my current state, the school wouldn’t mind if you took me home would they? I don’t think I can walk outside the school gates and wait for you.” I told him and he smiled at me, getting the hidden meaning behind what I was saying. He shook his head.
“No, that should be fine. I’m sure they’d prefer you got home safe.” He told me as he leaned in and kissed me, I smiled into it, now I felt whole again.