Falling Out of Line

When Tyler showed up to school the next day, the hallways fell to a hush. He swaggered into the building as if he wasn't sporting the black eye that I gave him. I can only imagine the rumors that'll spread from that.

I busied myself with my locker, not wanting to confront him just yet. I wasn't like I had to make up my mind about whether I liked Tyler or not because that was fucking obvious. It's just... he carries so much drama with him, and he's not even sure of himself right now. I mean, when we first met, I thought he was just taking pity on me in being my friend. And then there was the whole pretending to be gay for popularity thing, and then joining the jocks?

He's so hot and cold with his emotions. One minute he says he's defending my honor, and the next minute he's made me the enemy. At this point, I don't know what to make of Tyler. Every time I think I've finally got him figured out, he surprises me. And it's not always a good thing. I just don't want to get tangled up in Tyler mess. I've been there and it's too much for me to deal with.

I looked back at Tyler, who had gotten stopped by gossiping girls all wondering where he's been and where he got the black eye from. I heard people whispering that Tyler must be some undercover gang banger or that he's in the Witness Protection Program. Oh brother. It's like people around here have to make up soap opera-style drama to fill their boring, homemaker lives.

Two girls past by, one whispering, "I heard he got kicked out of his last school for running a drug cartel in the locker rooms!"

I rolled my eyes before shutting my locker.

"Hey, Lewis!"

Oh no.

Footsteps jogged up to me. I should have just skipped my locker and gone straight to homeroom.

"Lewis, how, uh, how are you?" Tyler ran his hand through his shaggy hair. Even though he clearly wanted to talk to me, he refused to look me in the eyes and focused on the ceiling instead.

"I'm okay."

"Good, good. I wasn't sure because yesterday, you seemed kinda... upset." He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. He ran his hands through his hair again, a telltale sign that he was anxious. I bit back a smirk. He was fidgeting.

I picked up my backpack and pretended to look for something. "Yeah, I was, but I think I got it out of my system."

"Good, that's good. So, uh, I took down some of the posters you put up, since I'm not missing anymore," he chucked nervously. He still wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Makes sense."

"Didn't want anybody to call the cops or anything."

"Tyler, did you want something?"

His eyes flashed to mine before averting to the floor. "No, no. I was just wondering if, uh, you needed time to think about... stuff, you know."

"You came over here to ask me if I needed to think before talking to you?"

"Uh, yeah. I can hear how stupid that sounds now."

I laughed. "Tyler, you don't have to be nervous around me right now. This any really any different from how things were before. You were less nervous when we were pretending to be gay-"

He slapped his hands over my mouth. He took in all the eyes that shot over to us before sliding his hand away.

"Sorry, just wanted to keep that a secret."

Ow. I wasn't exacting shouting. I rubbed my lips. It didn't hurt that bad, but I it seemed like something you should do when somebody smacks you in the lips. Then again, I did punch him in the face.

"I'm sorry for hitting you, by the way."

He finally looked at me.

"You... don't have to apologize for that. After all I've put you through, I deserved it."

"Don't talk like that. The minute you start talking like that, that's when you start believing you deserve whatever gets handed to you. And you don't." And that's when it sort of hit me. I didn't deserve it either.

I let so much shit happen to me that I didn't even deserve. All this time, whenever something happened, I figured it was just karmic retribution for being gay or for being a fuck-up. And you know, maybe I did deserve some shit sometimes - I wasn't perfect. But the bullying, the abuse, being used - I didn't deserve any of that. But I let it happen because I didn't think I was good enough for anything else. Just like how I accepted pretending to be Tyler's boyfriend because I thought that was as good as I was gonna get. And you know, maybe it is.

Maybe I'm not gonna get an amazing boyfriend. Maybe people are still gonna make fun of me or pick on me or beat me up. But I can't keep thinking that it's something I deserve. Because I don't.

"I don't."

He looked confused. "You don't... what?"

"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve the shit you've put me through. I don't deserve any of this shit that this... hellhole has put me through."

He stared at me.

"I don't deserve this."

I looked around at all the people watching us. All the people that made fun of me and pushed me around and insulted me, and just stood by and watched it all happen. I didn't deserve any of that.

"Fuck it." I put my backpack on and walked straight out the door.

**

"So, you do want to transfer after all?" My mom asked at dinner.

"Yeah, it's just really stressful."

"But I thought you were okay with going back," my dad spoke up.

"I was at first, but then I realized that school was part of the problem. The people there... the environment is toxic. At first I wanted to stay because I didn't think it would be any different at another school, and I didn't think it would be worth it to try to get acclimated to a new school so soon before graduation. But it's only November, so I would have some time to catch up."

"And you don't think this would set you back too much?" Mom asked.

"I mean, it might. That's a possibility. But I get straight A's and I work hard enough at school already. It shouldn't be too difficult to maintain that effort if I transfer. Especially since Cranbrook is such an advanced curriculum already."

Dad cut into his steak. "Well, that would mean finding a school in the area that's just as good as Cranbrook, maybe better. If that even exists."

"It doesn't have to be on par with Cranbrook. If I'm just as good at Cranbrook as I am at any other school, it shouldn't make a difference. If anything, I would stand out more at a school below Cranbrook's level and maybe that would make it easier for colleges to notice me."

"How are applications going?" Mom interjected.

"Great, my essays are done, I've requested transcripts, and I'm filling out applications whenever I can. Most decision notices don't come until January though." Little do they know, I've been investigating college applications as early as summer of senior year. I was looking for any escape from this house.

"Well," she was pleased with my progress, I could tell. "I'm still not sure."

"But you offered to take me out of school before."

"Yes, and we're still considering your well-being, of course. But we didn't think you would actually want to do it. At the time, we were thinking about homeschooling you so we could keep an eye on you. We weren't exactly thrilled with the idea of you transferring to a whole new school we were completely unfamiliar with, but if we thought it would help, we would make the arrangements."

"But I do think it would help. This way, I'm away from most of my problems and I can focus more on my academics."

"You know you can't run from your problems, Lewis."

This has been brief nuggets of wisdom, courtesy of my father.

"Yes, I know that, dad. And I'm not trying to run from my problems. I know that there's always going to be people that don't approve of me. There's always gonna be bullies and nitpickers and naysayers or whatever. But that doesn't mean I have to sit there and take it. Now, I've tried standing up for myself, but I'm too far in the ground for anyone to listen. If I could get a fresh start at a new school, I could establish myself without taking away from my education. That way, nobody would mess with me and I could focus on schoolwork and my own mental health and not get wrapped up in too much drama. Come on, I've really thought about this. If you were on board with it earlier, you should be on board with it now after seeing how serious I am about this. I promise it won't affect how I do in school and I really think it will help me get more stable before I go off to college."

My sisters were staring at me. I'm not usually this passionate about something, especially not verbally and especially not towards my parents.

My parents wordlessly exchanged thoughts before turning to me. My mom sat forward. "And are you... okay, Lewis?"

I thought about it. I wasn't cured, that's for sure. But I was thinking more about myself, and about the people around me. And that was definitely an improvement. "No. But I am better."

"And you really think this will help you get even better?"

I nodded. "I do."

There was a silence after that and we all returned to our plates. Silence was a pretty good sign. It's when there's a continuous debate that you know it's a no. Silence is about as close to an amicable conversation ending that we got around the dinner table.

I might get to transfer

**

I decided not to tell Naran or Tyler that I was going to transfer. My parents were talking to the school about it, and I think I have to sit in a meeting with the principal and them at some point, but my parents decided it would be best for me to wait until winter break to go through with it, so I have some time. This way I get a full semester with a fresh start and don't have to worry about squeezing in final projects or tests right after transferring.

I know I should tell my friends, but they would only try to convince me to stay. Naran can survive without me, and Tyler... I just can't think about it right now.

I know he's going to want some answers from me. Honestly, I kind of want to make him wait a little bit. After all the obsessing I've done over him, it's a little nice to get some small payback in the form of making him stress a little bit. Not that I think he's really stressing. I mean, he's having some identity issues, sure, but I'm not the only gay guy he knows. His parents can help him out, too. Besides, I think it's best if I don't get involved in Tyler's whole coming out process. I want to be there for him as a friend, but getting my true feelings involved has only made things complicated, for me and him both. I think he should just work things out on his own first.

I met up with Naran in the cafeteria for lunch. He was engrossed in something on his laptop, but closed it when Tyler came up and sat down beside me. I prepared to yell at Naran for whatever snarky thing he might say.

"Hey Tyler. How are you feeling?"

Well that wasn't snarky.

Tyler picked the bun up off his chicken sandwich and tore open a ketchup packet with his teeth. He squirted some on the chicken patty before looking up at Naran and responding, "Uh, good. Pretty good I guess."

"The rumor mill has been going crazy about you lately."

"Seems like it always is. I don't know why they find me so interesting."

Naran scooted his laptop off the table and it disappeared below it, presumably into his messenger bag. "I guess you're just an interesting guy. You've certainly got enough rumor fuel on your face there."

Tyler laughed and replaced the top of his sandwich. "Yeah, I guess I do. I guess I shouldn't judge everybody when I wear my drama on my sleeves."

"Well, they're already judging you. It's only fair to judge back."

"That sounds pretty backwards, like an endless cycle of judgement and drama."

"C'est la vie."

"C'est la high school." Tyler pointed with his sandwich.

"Touche."

The two laughed and I just stared at them. "What the fuck is this?"

They both looked at me. "What do you mean?" Naran asked.

"Since when do you two get along?"

They looked at each other. Tyler turned back to me. "I don't know. To be honest, I was gonna ask, but I figured if Naran was being nice to me, I shouldn't jinx it."

"Okay, so this is Naran's doing," I looked at him.

"Why is it a crime if I'm suddenly nice to Tyler?"

"Because you're never nice to Tyler."

"Well, maybe it's about time I should be. He's got a lot of shit already. No need for me to pile it on."

"But you love doing that!" I said incredulously.

He smirked. "Lewis, calm down. I just realized that both you and Tyler have a lot going on in your lives and you don't need me to rag on you right now when everybody else is doing it for me. Besides, you two are technically my best friends. Even though we do bicker a lot, it wouldn't be cool for me to kick you when you're down."

My mouth hung open like a gaping fish. This must be invasion of the body snatchers. Tyler was into me and was nervous to be around me? Naran was being nice? What's next - Kaitlyn dyes her hair brunette?

"I can't deal with this right now. It's too early." I rubbed my forehead.

Tyler chuckled. "It's lunch time."

"Too early in the week," I specified.

"If it makes you feel better, I can go back to insulting Tyler. I know it makes me feel better."

"Thanks for the offer, Naran, but I'm fine. I guess I'll just have to accept that my best friends aren't trying to kill each other for once."

"Hey, we are capable of working together sometimes, you know." Naran said before digging into his french fries. Tyler looked at him confused for a moment, then realization passed over him and he looked a bit sad. He was referencing the time they got me to the hospital.

I looked at them, both devouring their lunches. If my friends were willing to get along for my sake, I wasn't going to tear it apart. But if this keeps going on like this, it's going to make it harder to leave them.

**

"I've got an idea, but I need your help."

Tyler had suggested we all hang out after school today. We had to go to his house, though, since his parents grounded him for running away. I get the feeling Cory and Sean weren't major disciplinarians, but maybe Tyler needed to be grounded for a little bit to settle down with himself.

Right now Naran and I were destroying each other on the Xbox 360. Tyler had gone upstairs to look for something in his room, but now he was back downstairs in the den with us. He plopped down next to me on the couch. I tried to ignore how close his leg was to mine. I shifted a bit closer to Naran, but he jabbed his elbow into my arm as he tried to virtually kick my ass.

"Ow, calm down. I'm gonna beat you anyway." I taunted him.

"Just because you have nothing better to do with your life other than play video games does not me you have developed the skill set it takes to defeat me.." He leaned forward, pounding away on the controller.

"Why do you talk like a movie villain?"

"Because I am one. Muah hahaha!"

I rolled my eyes. I saw Tyler was scribbling something down in a notebook.

"Right. Tyler, you said you had an idea?"

"Oh yeah," he sat up. I felt his body turn toward me and Naran, touching his knee to mine. I glued my eyes to the screen. "So I've got this idea for a student club."

"Ah, stop right there. Administration hates clubs. Only groups formed in pursuit of physical challenge, cultural exploration, or academic merit are considered for achieving club status, and even then, it's a long shot." Naran said without tearing his eyes away from the screen.

"Well, I think this might count as cultural exploration. I mean, it's not like international or about race or anything, but sexual orientation is considered cultural, right?"

I tore my eyes away from the screen and looked at Tyler. "Sexual orientation? You mean LGBT stuff?"

"Yeah, like gay and lesbian and whatever."

I heard my character grunt several times before Naran cackled and presumably gave me a fatal blow. "Ha, who's the villain now?!"

"Still you, idiot." I set the controller down. "Tyler, why do you care about this all of the sudden?"

He looked down at his notebook. The page was covered in ink scribblings, and when his fingers fluttered the pages of the book, I saw there was at least five more scribble-filled pages written.

"I know I'm probably the last guy who should be doing this. But between my parents and you and Naran, and with all the assholes at school, I realized that there really isn't a lot protecting the people I care about. Sean thought I should talk to somebody, so I went to see this therapist he knows. I've only had one session so far, but something I took out of it was that I have a good support system for whatever I'm going through. This is really the first time in my life that I've felt that was true. So, I want other kids to feel the same way."

He finally looked up from the notebook. This was a raw version of Tyler, I could tell. I didn't really know how to talk to him.

"And so, the LGBT stuff..."

He ruffled his hair - trademark Tyler - and smiled. "I just wanna become the kind of guy that my parents would have needed when they were in high school, and the kind of guy I should have been to you before. I've been an asshole-"

"A major asshole," Naran butt in. I guess the niceness was a come and go thing.

Tyler nodded, "A major asshole, and Naran has a point that if we're really best friends, we should start acting like it. I haven't been a good friend, and I think starting a student club for gay kids is a good way to figure out how to be a good support system and a good friend. I think its something our school needs."

I chewed the thought in my head. It would be great to introduce the concept of tolerance to our school, but knowing our self-absorbed, cookie-cutter small town, we're gonna have a lot of backlash. The administration and the students won't welcome the idea with open arms and I don't know if I want to get behind something controversial right before I transfer. But I also want to encourage Tyler and anyone else that's willing to be more open-minded and accepting.

I turned to Naran. He twiddled the controller in his hand as he rattled off the facts. "You're gonna need a faculty advisor, a club board consisting of at least four members including a President and a Treasurer, a meeting space reserved if you intend to have meetings, a written constitution, and a total of five members signed up."

"Well," Tyler began, "I've talked to Mrs. Govorski about being the faculty advisor and she said she might be on board if we give her a detailed description of what the club is intended to do, and with her comes the English classrooms to use as a meeting space. So far, I don't have any other members set up because I haven't gone public with this, but I already started a petition for a new club. By the time the administration acknowledges the petition, I figure we can get a couple members and the board ironed out, and I thought maybe you guys could help me write the constitution."

"You certainly seem to have this well-thought out," I said.

"Yeah, I didn't really expect to be so dedicated to this but once I started researching it, I really got into it."

"Well, I support this endeavor. What say you, Lewis?" Naran pointed the controller at me.

"Um, well, I guess it sounds like a plan. I'm behind it."

Tyler smiled and handed me the notebook. I scanned the page and found the sentence 'Get Lewis and Naran on board" written next to a bullet point. I shook my head and took the pen from his hands and wrote a check-mark next to it.

"According to this list," I read. "The next task in this mission is to write up a constitution."

"Well then, prepare the notebook and take my dictation!" Naran jumped up and stood proudly.

"I'm not taking any dick from you." I smirked. He threw the controller at me.

"IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS, LEWIS!"

"Fine, but I'm still not taking anything from you."

Tyler chuckled and flipped the page in his notebook, ready to take Naran's dictation. I guess we were starting a club.