Forever & Always.

The incessant ringing from my phone roused me from a fitful night of nightmare filled dreams. It continued to ring and the sound grated on my sensitive ears. Groaning, I reached out blindly until my fingers grasped the small piece of technology. I opened my eyes and clicked the little button with the green phone printed on it and brought the speaker to my ear.

“Ugh…hello?” I yawned sleepily as I sat up in bed.

“Hey babe,” Aiden sounded happy and wide awake which put me in a bad mood. According to the clock on my IPod dock it was only 7am here making it noon in Ireland. He was aware of the time difference but still chose to call me at such a ridiculous time.

“Uh…hi Aiden,” I clambered out of bed, my feet sliding into my comfy cow print slippers. “How’re you?”

“Why do you sound so angry to hear from me?” He demanded, his voice harsh.

I sighed and rubbed my temple with my free hand. It was too early to be arguing. My sleep had been plagued by nightmares and I was too tired to properly function, “I’m not angry Aid, just tired.”

“Mhmm…” He didn’t sound like he believed me. “Well, when are you coming home?”

Of course that’s why he had called me at 7am. All he cared about was getting me back on his leash. He hated that I had gotten away.
I shook my head to clear it. My thoughts shocked me. I didn’t think Aiden hated me, did I?

“I dunno Aid,” I mumbled, fearing him still despite the entire Atlantic Ocean being between us. “I kinda want to have some time here with my best friends. I’ve missed them.”

He sighed angrily and I bit down on my lip, anticipating the worst. “Why must you be so fuckin’ difficult Ciara? Why can’t you just come home and be happy with me? I thought you wanted to get married this summer!”

The reminder of our engagement made the ring on my finger feel heavy. I remembered why I had been wanting to contact Aiden over the past few days – though my nerves had always gotten the best of me. It was time to tell him what was bothering me. It was now or never.

“Actually Aid…I’ve been wanting to talk to you about that,” I spoke softly, scared of his reaction. “I think we need to take a break.”

“ What ?” He screamed and I had to pull the phone away from my ear to avoid being deafened.

“J-just for a little while,” I whispered. “I just…I just need some time to think.”

“You know what…I don’t give a shit anyway!” He yelled and I imagine the neighbours could hear him at this point. “I don’t want you. Have fun in Jersey with your stupid faggot friends who left you behind when you were kids!”

His words stung even after he had hung up on me. I put the phone down on my bedside locker and refused to let myself cry as I readied myself for the day.



I was sat on my bed, my legs curled up under my blanket, watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame on some kid’s channel. It was easily one of my favourite movies and it always made me nostalgic, remembering when I found Gee hiding in his basement room watching the children’s movie instead of partying at his eighteenth.
I smiled fondly at the memory; wishing it could just go back to the way it had been back then. I didn’t like what Gerard had become. He had lost that spark of genius, that bubbly personality. He’d lost all the things I had fallen in love with. He was drowning in a toxic sea of drugs and alcohol. I missed the old him. I missed the way he used to randomly tell me he loved me. I missed the way he’d smile that slow, easy smile that started from the corner of his mouth that he spoke most from and would spread slow until it lit up his entire face. I missed the feel of his lips on mine, how they were always slightly chapped from talking or singing but always felt perfect pressed against my own. I missed the Gerard that I had once loved, the one I still wanted to love.

My phone began vibrating from its place on the table beside me. By the tone it played I knew it was only a message and my hand reached out at its own accord to grab the phone and read said message.
1 message: Aiden (: <3
I sighed before clicking open and reading it through.
U r 1 hell of a stupid bitch! U are goin 2 regret breakin us up! Ima make u pay! Ima hunt u down and fuckin kill u! Fuck u!

I swallowed thickly and began breathing heavily. My heart was pounding like crazy in my chest and the palms of my hands were sweating. He was threatening me! I knew he would take the break bad but I never thought I’d be left fearing for my life. One thing that was for certain was that I was never going back to him now. If I had been scared of him when we were originally together then I’d be fucking terrified if I went back to him now. I remembered the feel of his fists connecting with my skin and a shudder overcame my body. I was scared and didn’t want to be alone, so I grabbed my things and headed to the one place I knew I’d always be accepted.

My pounding on the door was broken when a familiar face appeared at the door. She smiled fondly at me, the same way she always had.

“Hi Ciara, long time no see. The boys are downstairs.”

She let me past and I ran straight to the basement stairs glad that Mrs. Iero hadn’t asked me an questions about why I was back in Jersey or why I had turned up to her house with crazy, red-rimmed eyes and a bottom lip that had been ravaged by nervous teeth. She just let me into her house and sent me in the direction of the people I needed to see.

“Frankie!” I howled in an inhumane voice as I threw open the basement door, ignoring the other four boys in the room and running straight to my best friend. I needed the comfort of his arms wrapped around me, soothing me.

To his credit, Frank didn’t ask any questions just handed his guitar to Ray and took me up into a warm embrace. I buried my face into his plain black t-shirt. It smelled of cigarettes and some kind of expensive cologne. It was a familiar, soothing smell and I revelled in it. My hands were shaking so I just placed them around his waist hoping that it would go unnoticed. I didn’t want to answer any questions just yet. I just wanted to be comforted for the moment.

Eventually I pulled away, though not by much, just enough that I could turn to face the other guys in the room while still having one of Frank’s arms wrapped around my waist. Mikey, Bob, Ray and Gerard were all staring at me with bewildered looks on their face. I smiled sheepishly at them and muttered a ‘sorry’ at them.

“What’s wrong C?” Frankie asked me softly, pecking my cheek lightly. “What’s gotten you so upset?”

“It’s Aiden,” I told him, my voice barely above a whisper. I wasn’t sure if I wanted the others to hear the conversation but I didn’t want to be rude and ask them to leave. This was their time to be together and practice and here I was, just barging in and demanding Frank’s attention. “I called him earlier.”

I could feel everyone’s eyes still focused on me. Frank pulled me close and let me rest my head on his shoulder. The arm he had around my waist was warm and so was the shoulder beneath my head. It was stupid but these little things comforted me.

“I…I told him that I wanted to take a break.”

“And?” Frank nudged me with a little, prying for more information.

“He shouted at me…an-and then he sent me these,” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and showed Frank the threatening message I had received earlier and then the one that had come through while I was on my way to the Iero house.

“Oh…baby girl, why do you listen to him? He’s wrong and you should know that,” Frankie whispered in my ear. “You’re so perfect.”

I re-read the second message I had received, the words splitting my heart in two.
U r the most worthless nd pathetic person I have ever met. I don’t no what I evr saw in u. have fun in NJ but I will get u. remember that. I don’t make empty threats.

“He’s right though,” I cried loudly, my chest heaving as I felt the beginning of an asthma attack. My panic attacks had, over time, mixed with my minor asthma problem and so, when I got panicky my breathing became irregular and wheezy until I needed my inhaler. “I am pathetic and worthless! Why else would you guys leave me?”

The guys all began protesting and Mikey handed me his inhaler. I was incredibly grateful that he was prescribed the same one. The familiar blue object felt comforting in my hand as I inhaled the odd tasting medicine. Frank, Ray, Bob and Mikey couldn’t stop talking over each other as they told me how much they all loved and cared for me. But, what surprised me the most was the expression on Gerard’s face. He looked pained, his features contorted into an odd shape and his eyes looking haunted.
Suddenly his gaze snapped up to meet mine and I felt myself getting lost in those beautiful hazel orbs. He got to his feet and approached Frank and me somewhat apprehensively. I couldn’t tear my eyes from him, mesmerised by his slow, purposeful steps.
He reached my side and, without saying anything, opened his arms to envelope me in a familiar, warm embrace. Frank unwound the arm that was around my waist and let me step further into Gerard’s arms. As clichéd as it sounds, it was always in Gerard’s arms that I felt most at peace. Whenever he took me up into an embrace I felt as if everything was going to be okay, even if it was obvious it wasn’t.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, his lips so close to my ear that his breath disturbed the hair beside it. “I’m so sorry for every leaving you. I was young and stupid.”

His voice had the same effect on me that it always had. It made me weak at the knees and feel butterflies erupt in my tummy. I had forgotten how raspy his voice always sounded after band practice and a couple of stress-relieving cigarettes. It was a sound that was familiar, but at the same time sounded completely foreign to my ear after all these years.
This was my Gee. The Gee I had fallen in love with. The guy who would put his friends’ well-being before his own. The guy I used to dream about every night. He was back.

“It’s okay Gee,” I murmured into his leather-jacket clad shoulder. The sharp smell got caught in my nose and I scrunched up my face in disgust but didn’t pull away. I didn’t want this moment to end just yet. “I forgive you.”

He whispered ‘ thank you ’ over and over again into my hair and kissed my scalp lightly through my hair. I knew it had been the right thing to forgive him. The emotional scars he had left me with would take a long time to heal but I was hoping that by forgiving him I was already on my way to them becoming just faint memories. I hoped that this would mean I could help Gerard now, that I could help him get his life back on track.

“Friends?” He asked, pulling back to hold me at arm’s length.

I nodded, “Best friends.”

He chuckled and pulled me close against his side, declaring that practice was over and that it was time for the ritual movie night. The other four guys’ faces were elated. The difference in Gerard’s personality was visible to them already. It had definitely been a good idea to forgive him, I thought to myself as I sat down on the old bean bag, Gerard by my side as always. Maybe things would start improving now. Maybe things could even go back to the way they once were.