I Can't Remember That Was Us

Matt’s POV

I woke up the next morning with a pain in the back of my neck. I slowly stretched and yawned, letting my eyes adjust to the light that was coming in the window. Damn, sleeping on this couch is getting to me. I’m so not used to it. But if I’m not used to the couch, then what am I used to? Sleeping in the bed with Hayleigh is my guess. Hell, how can I be used to it if I can’t remember doing it? I hate not being able to remember these things. It’s hurting me and it’s hurting all the people around me. All the people I love…loved? It’s just so confusing. It seems like I’m pushing everyone away against my will. It’s just hard for others to understand what I’m going through and I can’t make them feel what I’m feeling. I honestly don’t mean to push them away. It just happens. I sat up and leaned back on the couch before looking over and glancing at the clock. It was 7:03 in the morning. I don’t think that Hayleigh will be up for another few hours. Should I go get in the bed with her? I would sleep better, probably…hopefully…But what would she say if she woke up and I was in the bed with her? After all, we may be married, but now I’m a complete stranger. I don’t think I’m a complete stranger to her, though. I’m just a complete stranger to me…How confusing is that? I think she’d be cool with it. I bet you’re wondering why I don’t just sleep in the guest bedroom. Well, my dumb ass made it into a miniature studio with half a dozen guitars, two bass guitars, a drum set, and a piano. It’s obvious that I’m a huge fan of the music lifestyle…especially since I’m the lead singer of a band called Avenged Sevenfold. I couldn’t remember our songs, but when I listened to them, they all seemed vaguely familiar in a way that I can’t describe. I would probably be a fan if half of the songs weren’t my own creations…I guess I can still be a fan of myself, but I’d rather be modest.

I slowly stood up off of the leather couch and tried to stretch out my stiff body again. I can walk, I guess, but my back and my neck is stiff and achy. I made my way upstairs and into the hallway. I could see that the light was on in our her room. What is she doing up so early? Maybe I should just go back downstairs and go to sleep on the couch. I turned around to head back down the stairs when I heard a loud thump come from the room that she was in. What was that? What if she fell or something’s wrong? She could’ve fell and hurt the baby. I turned back around and quickly made my way into the room. I slung the door open quickly and looked around the room, trying to figure out what had happened. I immediately spotted Hayleigh in the corner of the room in front of the closet.

“Are you okay?” I asked her in a panicked, out of breath, tone. She looked down and then slowly back up at me. She sighed before she opened her mouth to speak.

“I’m fine…I…I was just…” she trailed off, while I looked around. There were suitcases all over the room and clothes spread out everywhere. What is this? Is she leaving?

“What is this?” I asked her, looking around at everything. I looked down at her feet to see a shoe box full of money spilled on the ground. She sighed and raised her hands before she walked over to the freshly (I’m guessing) made bed and sat down.

“Sit with me.” She said, patting a spot beside of her with her skinny hand. I sighed before I walked over and sat next to her. I sighed because I knew that we were getting ready to have our first truly important conversation since the accident.

“You’re leaving. Where are you going?” I asked, looking down into her eyes. They looked sad and full of tears. No tears had spilled out yet, but I knew that they would soon.

“Matt, I’m going to our cabin.” She told me in a low voice.

“I don’t know where that is.” I told her truthfully. She laughed a little before the tears started to fall freely from her eyes. Oh no.

“Sorry, I forgot you didn’t know. It’s in Tennessee…I’m so stupid.” She told me, shaking her head. I think she’s a little too tired because she seems a little confused about something.

“It’s okay. Don’t cry.” I told her, pressing my hand lightly on her shoulder. My first instinct was to wipe her tears away, but I didn’t know if she’d want me to. It was silent for a moment before I spoke.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for what I said to you. I was just a little drunk and…grouchy, I guess.” I apologized. I hope that she’s not leaving because of me.

“S’okay. I was just being an annoying little bitch.” She said, saying the word ‘bitch’ a little quietly before looking down and placing her hand on her tummy. I smiled at her gesture. It was almost as if she apologized to the baby for cursing. It’s so weird to think that the baby is mine as well as hers.

“Nah, I was just bein’ an asshole. I hope you’re not leaving because of me.” I told her, turning slightly so that I could see her face better. She was crying and her nose was red. She was beautiful when she cried, but I wasn’t about to tell her that. I’m too afraid. Afraid of what? I don’t know.

“I was, actually. It just feels like you don’t want me here. I can’t do anything for you and it’s just too stressful for the baby. My baby…our baby… I have to make sure it’s healthy…It’s the only thing I have left of the real you.” She told me, more tears falling. I was stunned by her words and I almost wanted to cry as well. I’m not the same person as I was. What if I never will be? I would give anything if I could just go back to being the same ole Matt. Just for her.

“Oh, Hayleigh, I’m so sorry if I’m stressing you out. It’s just so hard to be my normal self when I don’t even remember who I am. I don’t remember anyone around me. I don’t even remember my own parents.” I told her, looking down sadly.

“I know and I can’t really understand what you’re going to if you don’t help me to understand. I want you just to tell me how you’re feeling instead of hiding them inside. I’m here for you, you know.” She told me before standing back up and bending down to pick the money up and put it back in the box.

“Where did all that money come from?” I asked, giving her a curious look. My initial feeling was to mind my own business, but we’re married, so I guess I can ask.

“You put it in there for me. You told me that if I ever got in a hard position that I could use it for whatever I needed it for.” She explained to me before carrying the box over with her to the bed. She took the money back out and put some of it into her purse.

“So you’re just going to leave me then?” I asked, feeling completely abandoned by her. She zipped her bag up and put it on the floor. She then pulled the handle out and started walking towards the door. I stood up and followed her down the stairs. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

“I have to go, Matt. You know, when I was younger, I’d look at my life, try to picture it and all I could ever see was you. Now, it’s different. This baby is the most important thing to me now. I have to protect him.” She told me, placing both of her hands on her belly again.

“Him?” I asked, looking down at her stomach. She hasn’t started showing yet, but I felt as if I was looking at the baby. My baby. Our baby.

“It’s too early to tell….I don’t know why I said him.” She replied, looking down. Okay, she’s still trying to leave and I’m starting to panic. She can’t leave me here by myself. I can’t do this alone. It’s time to beg. She jumped when I took her cold hand in mine. Her hand was extremely cold.

“Hayleigh, I’m sorry for all of the shit I put you through.” I told her, looking down at her stomach and silently apologizing for my choice of words.

“I know it’s not you-“ I cut her off because I wasn’t finished.

“I’m sorry and if you give me a chance, I can try to be the Matt you remember. You just need to show me what I need to do and tell me stories, help me try to remember some things. Show me pictures, videos, letters, anything. Hell, I don’t care. Just help me be myself again. Please don’t leave me because I can’t do this alone.” I begged, letting some tears fall from my eyes. I didn’t know for sure what was bringing on these emotions, but if I had to guess, I’d say that it’s something deep down inside me that still loves Hayleigh. She pulled me to her and wrapped her arms tightly around me.

“Okay, I’ll give you another chance. I won’t leave you.” She whispered in my ear as we embraced each other.

“Can we go lay in bed?” I asked her, remembering that I didn’t want to sleep on the couch anymore. I was still tired and I could tell that she was too.

“Of course.” She agreed, letting go of me and taking my hand to lead me up the stairs. She slowly slipped under the covers while I stood there and watched. I was a little nervous about laying with her for the first time since the accident. I wondered if it would feel normal or awkward. I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.

“Come on.” She beckoned me, pulling me out of my short train of thoughts. I smiled and slipped under the covers on the opposite side of her.

“Can we sleep like we used to? Like when I remembered?” I whispered to her. She smiled and moved closer to me, laying her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arm around my stomach. It feels normal and natural. It feels right. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I sighed contently before drifting off to a sleep that would be the best rest I’d had since the accident.