I Just Wanna Be Bad Enough For You

After getting over the initial shock of almost kissing Alex on Friday I realized that it would have been a really bad idea if I did. I don’t know Alex and I don’t even know if I actually have feelings for him. When I went in for the night I laid awake for hours just thinking about everything. I always find myself misinterpreting my emotions. I started to believe that I actually liked Alex, but now that I thought about it - I don’t really know. I mean, the only reason I actually started thinking about Alex that way is when Paige told me he was in a band. Then my feelings intensified when I saw him wink at Lisa.

Maybe I just wanted the perfect guy that would be wrong for me. I know that my mom doesn’t like my music or the way that I dress. So maybe if I brought a guy version of me home she would realize that us moving here was a big mistake and we could go back to Texas. It’s not that living in Maryland turned out to be just as horrible as I thought it would, it’s just that my life in Dallas was so much easier. I had the perfect boyfriend who was captain of the football team and the perfect best friends who took the roles of class president and captain of the volleyball team.

I never completely understood why Jake was attracted to me, why he wanted to date me. Or even why I was best friends with Elizabeth and Jordan. I wasn’t anyone important at our school, well not in the eyes of any of the students. I was the student that earned the school grants because of my writing and art pieces. But, I guess because of this I was always insecure. I had to make sure that I was perfect at all times so I could live up to the people around me.

And maybe the reason I started embracing the feelings I might have for Alex is because I like a challenge. And maybe I believed that if Alex chose me over Lisa that I was better than Lisa. And Lisa is perfect.

It took me forever and a day to get ready this morning. I tried on so many different outfits. I was trying to create that perfect look for Monday. You never want to look like you are dressed up on Monday, it makes you look like you didn’t do anything over the weekend. Which, in all reality, I didn’t. I got into one of my moods where I just sit in my room, draw and blast music. I had too much on mind. It was not healthy. My mom hadn’t found me a new therapist yet and I could tell that it was already affecting my mental health.

When I took that first step into the hallway I was already second guessing my look for the day: dark skinny jeans, a gray slouchy sweatshirt with a lightweight leather jacket over it, and a pair of t-strap sandals. When I walked up to my locker I spotted Alex. He was standing there, staring off into space. I wonder what he was thinking about.

I didn’t even say a word to him as I began to open my locker. Maybe he wouldn’t notice me. Maybe I wouldn’t have to talk to him now. I just wasn’t ready.

“Hey,” he spoke up.

“Hi.”

“So how was your weekend?” He asked politely.

“Fine.”

I turned on my heel and started to walk away. I don’t think Alex realized what was happening. He was following behind me, closely. I tried to lose him as I dodged random students in the hallway.

“What did I do?” He asked quietly. He took a hold of my arm and spun me around.

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Then what’s wrong?” He seem genuinely worried. I wasn’t buying it.

“So many things.” I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration and continued to avoid making eye contact with him.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not with you.”

After that I practically ran to my art class. I was the first one there. It was nice to be by myself. The silence was nice. I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone. I was just by myself.

I heard the door open. When I turned to see who it was I saw Jack. I laid my head on the table and screamed to myself. If he came to talk to me he is going to be sadly disappointed.

“What’s wrong Big Mac?” Jack placed a hand on my shoulder and sat down next to me. “Come on, you can talk to me. I won’t judge.”

“Yes you will. There is no way to avoid judgement if I were to tell you what’s wrong. I just really don’t wanna talk about it with you or Alex or anyone at this school for that matter.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Yeah it can. And seriously, you don’t have to pretend like you care,” I explained to him.

“I’m not pretending. Just because I have only known you for a week doesn’t mean I can’t care about you. It just means that I need to learn more about you.”

Then the bell rang and students started to flood into the class room. Jack continued to stare at me. Now he had his arms wrapped around me in a hug. It felt weird to get this much affection from someone that I really don’t know. I don’t even know if I can trust him or believe him for that matter. I want to just accept that maybe people could actually care for me, but not even my best friends back home know about my problems. They would just leave me alone to deal with the issues by myself.

“I’ll tell you at lunch.”

I was planning on going home early so I wouldn’t have to go to lunch or deal with everyone. I just wanted to go home, lay in bed, and listen to Yellowcard. I know this is just going to stress my mom out and it probably won’t help in trying to convince her that I am getting better.

- - - - - - - - - - -

I heard a knock on the door and I had a feeling it was my mom so I just ignored it. I rolled over so that I was facing the wall. I pulled the blanket over my head so I was completely incased in my bed. The knocking continued.

“WHAT?!” I screamed. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. And if it was Richy I was going to throw his stupid game boy out the window.

The door slowly opened. I could hear it creak. I didn’t bother to look to see who it was. Whoever it was would tell me whatever and then leave. It was not necessary that I communicate with them.

“Mackenzie?” It was Jack. His voice was quiet and nervous.

I slowly sat up. I felt that if I moved too quickly I would scare him. I couldn’t get enough courage to look at him. I thought that if I looked into his eyes I would break.

“What’s wrong? You left school early. I thought we were gonna talk at lunch.”

“I couldn’t stay at school any longer. Sorry. How did you find out where I live?” I was a little more worried about why he knew where I lived.

“I just asked Paige.”

“Oh,” I responded,” you didn’t say anything about why, did you?”

“No. I just told her that you weren’t feeling well and that I needed to drop a CD off,” he explained. “So now tell me what’s up. I’m really worried about you.” He motioned for me to scoot over a little bit more. I complied and he sat next to me with an arm wrapped around my shoulders.

“I can’t believe I am about to tell you this,” I mumbled under my breath. “You can not and I mean can not tell anyone this or I will never to speak to you again. You understand?”

He nodded.

“Well, it kind of started a few years ago. It was sophomore year when I met my ex-boyfriend, Jake. He just moved to Dallas from California. All the girls were falling over themselves trying to get his attention. When we started dating a lot of the girls were jealous. They started saying a lot of mean things about me. Saying I wasn’t good enough, saying I wasn’t pretty enough, saying I wasn’t thin enough.

At first it didn’t really bother me. Sophomore year is also when my parents made me start taking honors classes and trying to get me to get straight A’s. My mom was controlling every aspect of my life. If she didn’t like one of my friends she wouldn’t let me hang out with them. She tried to force me to do all these extra curriculars that I just really didn’t enjoy. She hated the way I dressed and the music I listened to.

I was always able to put up with it because I had my grandma to talk to. She was always filled with such encouraging words and great advice. She passed away in November of my sophomore year. I got depressed, really depressed. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I distanced myself from Jake and my best friends and my family.

That’s when the comments from the mean girls at school started to hurt me. I took them all to heart. My emotions had gone haywire. And that’s when I started to starve myself.”

I looked up at Jack who was still listening. His eyes were watering a little.

I took a deep breath before continuing, “At first, I wasn’t eating less on purpose. I just lost my appetite after my grandma’s death. When I realized that I could get by on little food I started to purposefully eat less.

I wouldn’t eat breakfast before school. I wouldn’t eat lunch at school. And for dinner I could normally get away with telling my mom I had to go to a friends house and eat there or I had to study in my room and I would eat later. I would only eat an apple a day and maybe some yogurt. If I was forced to eat dinner with the family I would eat as little as possible with out making it look suspicious or after eating I would go out running to try to burn the calories off.

My mom didn’t question anything until she realized how sickly I was starting to look. My legs were like toothpicks and my clothes were hanging off of me. Then I passed out and was taken to the hospital.

I was kept in the hospital for a few weeks until I started to gain weight and they believed that I could handle going to an in-patient treatment center. I didn’t want to go. I stayed at the treatment center for three months. I gained all my weight back and I was feeling a lot better and therapy really seemed to be working. Junior year there were definitely some struggles, but I felt like I had really conquered this thing.

When I moved here I felt like my world was falling apart. I was finally learning to accept who I was and I wasn’t struggling to believe that the people around me loved me the way I was. Having to meet all new people and develop new friendships is so hard for me, because I feel like I am always being judged. And there are so many skinny, pretty girls around here. I mean look at Lisa!

And my mom hasn’t found me a new therapist, so I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

Jack kind of just sat there. I just told him a lot and a lot of personal things that I am sure he regrets asking about. Tears started to roll down my cheeks.

“I don’t want you to be weirded out by this in any way, but you are beautiful. And you have a rockin’ body. You should not feel that way about yourself. And I feel really honored that you trust me enough to tell me. If you need anyone to talk to, I am here. Just call me Dr. Jack.”

That goofy smile was back and I didn’t feel like he was judging me. He understood. Even though he will never know exactly how I feel, he listened.

“Thanks Jack. You aren’t going to tell anyone, right?” I questioned him. “Not even Alex.”

“Not even Alex?! He is in like love with you though!”

“Jack!” I screeched.

“I won’t tell him. I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” I held out my pinky. His pinky wrapped around mine and he smiled at me.

“So Alex is like in love with me?”